i was born many moons ago in a tiny russian village just outside of moscow...my mother was a russian prostitute/spy/leadlight teacher with interests in hinduism and the effects of lsd on small children...russia was cold...fuckin' cold...the day i turned 10 months old my mother lovingly informed me that i cramped her style.. and with me hanging around, she couldn't find enough fat sweaty bald men to have sex with her...so she filled my lil bottle with vodka and sent me on my merry way.
undaunted, i crawled for 23 miles to the next town but was quickly rejected for being a bastard.
i left without a fuss but soon collapsed from being a shivering, 10 month old, no house, vodka swilling mofo...luckily that's when IT happened
i was discovered by a group of ducks...they took me in and suckled me as their own...they clothed me...fed me...and within months i was able to speak fluent duck (with a sturdy russian accent of course)...that's how i lived for the next nine years...with the ducks...thinking as a duck...behaving like a duck...BUT...3 days before my 10th birthday i was summoned to Abibi the Ducky Leader...he looked at me quite seriously and said qvack (he was half german) ..translated this simply means goodbye...he told me that i was a human and needed to live with my own kind...i almost wanted to cry but i was a tough little russian bastard, so i just picked up my belonging and headed to italy.
i found it tough at first to make friends in italy...what with being a naked quacking russian kid...but i soon managed to score a job running cocaine for the mafia...the mafia were kind to me...they fed me biscuits and red wine and wouldn't get too mad at me when they caught me eating worms...as a bonus i became quite popular with the cocaine addicts in italy...it was from them really that i first learned to speak human (at a rapid pace )...at night i slept in the cellar of one of the mafia brothels...there i would fall asleep to the moans of the italian ladies of the night...i was happy...by the time i was 16 all the hookers were my friends...they'd tickle me...and call me duckyboy...and wrestle me...and perform fellatio on my penis...and give me hugs..and pinch my cheeks...it was nice...but strangely...something was missing...but what to do?
i needed a complete lifestyle change as i was tiring of all the drugs and hookers...then it came to me...start a rock band! but i didn't have an instrument...i soon found a desperate italian junkie guitarist who swapped me his les paul and marshall stack for some low grade imitation heroin...i was chuffed ..i quickly formed "duckman and the insignificant others"...and set off on a world tour...what can i say...WE ROCKED! ..they loved us all through europe and for some strange reason we received a lot of sexual favours in japan...but i didn't mind...i like sexual favours...it was all going swimmingly until the drummer died...i got a new drummer and tried to keep the vibe going by making him change his name to the dead drummer's name...but then the bass player died and i kinda just lost interest...but a chance meeting just a week before would shape the next part of my journey..
i had encountered leroy macdoogle...the great asian spiritual leader...he had started a group and preached to them daily about hope and love...in a short time he had over 1000 followers hanging on his every word...freeing them from their worries...it was obvious what i had to do...get as far away from this fucker as possible and start my own cult...so that's what i did...
i moved to america (he he) and began "the children of the duck" cult...i explained to people that Randy the great duck god was watching over us...and if they were over 18 and had at least $5000 in the bank they could be saved!...oh what a wonderful time we all had dancing and singing and living together at the commune...you should have seen the looks on their faces when i gave them a duck tattoo on their forheads ...but still something was nagging at me...i was again beginning to get bored...so...after i'd sodemised them all and cleaned out their bank accounts...it was time to move on...but what to do now?

this just can't possible be true. ducks don't 'suckle' their young

MrBliss said:

Ducks in space?

XxAxX said:

LMAO! That's exactly what I was going to say. I think most birds eat an animal, digest it a bit and then puke it up as leftovers for their young.

There's a hole in your story MrBliss.

yes, mr. bliss. just that one hole

TRON said:

there's actually a few

whooops. sorry! force of habit!

XxAxX said:

get outta here you! ...

get back up there

LMAO!!

I love autobiographies.

LOL at Leroy Macdoogle!!

:LOL:

Very funny. What a freak!

MrBliss said:

Cut to the chase. Nobody wants to do a lot of READIIING of your sob storyyyy.
[This message was edited Mon Jan 20 22:14:09 PST 2003 by Supernova]

Supernova said:

BINGO

Supernova said:

I did.

RasberryBalou said:

You would.

:LOL:

RasberryBalou said:

lol

MrBliss, story ...But we now know at least WHY you are ... ... for ur new found life

So I assume there is partII? ...