I want to break-up--gently with a friend of mine. We just run in different circles--and she is always making this very clear! I just don't know why we're even hanging-out.

On one hand, I just love her. We have a great time when we do stuff together. But in certain respects, I sort of feel I'm being used... and I can't explain exactly why..

Well, yes I can.. It's like whatever is convenient for her. Like, my husband and I went to this really fancy restaurant for our anniversary. It was really a splurge for us. We told her about how much we loved it... and she says "We thought they had terrible food--everyone thinks they have terrible food. I was pissed she couldn't keep her opinions to herself. There's more, too... talking about parties and dinners we're never invited to some SHE puts together, then some not! I've tried to just let it slide, but it's annoying. At the same time, she's telling me I'm her best friend! What? It's more like I'm her best friend whenever we see each other, but I'm not good enough otherwise.

And her husband.. I've really tried to like him. But he's just a little snob. When this friend and I first started hanging-out, my friend told me that her husband thought I was a TROPHY wife. I just was..

I really have never understood that comment.. but I don't think he meant it in a nice way. I was really taken aback initially, but then I sort of let it go. And why would she tell me that sort of thing? However, considering everything.. I just think it's indicative of a lot of things.

I don't want to create any hard-feelings. And I'm not sure I want to lose her as a friend because ultimately she's a good person, and I think her husband is a good person, too, in spite of being a snob! At the same time, I'm starting to feel more uncomfortable. How would she feel if I said things like that to her?

Ok.. should I gently ease-off the friendship or what should I do?

I would start with myself if I were you. The only reason you are with this friend is that yo choose to be with her. Thee is somethig that you are getting from the relationship tha makes you even question how to get out of it easily. If it were damaging, painful, or just plain annoying, you wouldnt even have to tink of a way to end it. The fact that you have all these issues with it and have not confronted the friend should pose the question why you have yet to do so.

Make sure you REALLY never want anything to do with them EVER again...because there's not definetely a chance of patching things up 5,10,15 yrs down the line.

I was in a very similar position to you and my now wife did me a favour bybtelling my 'best friend' of 10 years exactly what she thought if him and what I should have said years before...he acted like a fool and walked away abd refused to speak to me for years...that was 10 yrs ago and, whilst we gad a patch of talking on email a few years back, it's radio silence again.

Not sure if I'm bothered or not...he did save my life during difficult school years, he did get me into Prince...but he was an arse at times.

Just be sure YOU are sure and that nobody else influences your decision...nit liking hubby isn't a reason


The reason I say all of this is because our situation sound very similar...my friend and I used to plan loads of stuff, days out, gigs etc and when I used to get to his house in the mornings he refused to get out of bed and I'd end up going out for the day with his older bro instead. The final straw where my wife snapped with him was classic case...he came to visit/stay, moaned he was bored the whole time, turned down everything we suggested doing, refused to get of bed (in our house)therefore ruining a planned day our and then moaned there was nothing to eat (even though we'd spent loads on getting special foods in that he liked)....the working of an asshole but you've got 10yrs of almost all-good times on the other side if the scales.
[Edited 3/8/10 6:55am]
[Edited 3/8/10 6:58am]

Brofie said:

Yeah.. you're right.

I tried confronting her once, and she got mad. Then I backed down. She doesn't like being confronted. Like with my husband's job... Last week she was telling me something COMPLETELY not applicable to him. I told her I'd have to agree to disagree with her as far as HE was concerned even though it might be applicable to somebody else, and she didn't even like that either! And there's other stuff, too, in the same sort of dynamic. It's like she's very bossy!

On the other hand, we have great fun. I just think some of this is really starting to grate. And I'm probably grating on her, too! I've got to be, or this wouldn't be happening.

I think I might try to back-off a little bit, and see what happens. I might not be as available as I've been. See, that's just it. I'm real loyal to my friends. I make time for my friends, in other words. For her ,it's more she'll squeeze you in when it's convenient. I can't explain it.

Now this is weird... last week she was talking about her husband, and apparently he has the same problem with her! It's all about her... what she wants.., you know???

purpledoveuk said:

Oh yeah... I've thought about this for sure! No.. she doesn't handle confrontation well. I think it would be better to maybe have other plans when she calls, rather than being so available.

Like I said, there's a lot about her to like... And this probably is just the way she is like I'm just the way I am, you know? She's not a bad person or anything. I don't want to hurt her feelings. At the same time, it's a little hard on the ego to be dissed--directly or indirectly.

deadmansbones said:

Then you need to take a step back, be less available but be sure you aren't just friends for historys sake. Put it this way, if I ever meet up with
my friend I'm sure we will actually have very little in common (he's still stuck in a teenager mindset I think ie woman are bad, marriage is bowing down to societys pressure, kids cramp your independence) and there wouldn't be a chance in hell I'd mix my family life with the frienship.

Friendships are like trains in my mind...sometimes you have short journeys, sometimes they are long journeys, some may even take you the whole way...but nobody says you have to ride them all the way, theres nothing wrong with getting off the train if it's not going to the stop you had in mind.,..as long as it got you part oftje journey then maybe that's all it was meant to do.

My friend saved my life, got me thinking and ultimately I suppose, put me in the mindset of uni...where we went our seperate ways but I met my wife
[Edited 3/8/10 7:10am]

purpledoveuk said:

Yeah.. this is what I'm thinking. I just think our "friendship" may have run its course for BOTH of us. I don't think it's only from my end. It's just more and more, we're both seeing we don't have a lot in common.

That doesn't mean she isn't a good person though because she is...

Yeah.. this is what I'm gonna do.

Thanks for ALL your input.
[Edited 3/8/10 7:15am]

purpledoveuk said:

Agreed. Just ease up on the calling each other and social activities. Eventually what is meant to break off will break off quietly naturally. Life is already complicated enough than to surround yourself with "frien-e-mies".

Also...to coin a phrase from a very short, purple pixie...

"Lookin' back y'all...I don't miss nothing except the time"

Bad question for me to answer.
I'd just say "I don't want to be friends anymore."
I don't think that people are meant to be friends for a lifetime.
Most of the time, it's just where your lives intersect for awhile, and then you head down different paths.
It's not a big deal when it's over, it just is.
So you end it and move on.

If the friendship is easing up on a mutual level, then nothing needs to be said. If you want to end it, end it. Tell the person and don't be a pussy about it.

Stop calling her...and when she calls you...you're busy. It'll die of its own accord.

Genesia said:

To me, that's not cool at all. Just tell the person the truth: you don't want to be bothered anymore.

Genesia said:

Some people just won't take a hint though.

And it's harder these days to terminate friendships, because of the social networking nature of the web... You know, you tell your deepest secrets to your friends - and pissing them off to end the friendship may result in your name being mud within ten minutes flat.

I have two friends (a married couple with two young kids) whom I am finding increasingly suffocating. I'd go so far as to say that they both treat me like one of their children.

Vendetta1 said:

Yeah, I tried that, sis. Didn't work, in fact, it generated a shit LOAD of animosity that could've been saved for more useful purposes.

I think the "less available" approach is less painful on the ass. At least to me.

Harlepolis said:

I agree...I'm not saying avoid her, I'm saying that you shouldn't jump at her every request ad it's akwYs on her terms...just do the things you want to do and this way it'll either fizzle out or shell realise that the frienship is really important and pullher finger out.

I always listen to Baz Lurmans Sunscreen in times of dilema

I would just avoid her if telling her is too difficult for you

chocolatehandles said:

Would you want someone to tell you if it were you?

Thanks again to everyone for their input.

Yeah--I was thinking about this yesterday, and I think I'm just going to lighten up about it!

It's just she's bossy--always telling me what to do even when I don't ask for advice--which I don't for the most part. And it's always everything according to her. That's really what bugs me!

It's not like I see her that much anyway, but when I do this particular quality bugs the shit out of me! I've tried to stand-up for myself, but she doesn't take "agreeing to disagree" very well.

Then she goes on telling me I'm her "best" friend! I'm just amazed because I don't think she treats me like I'm a best friend at all. Then again, the last time we got together, she confided in me her husband has some of the same issues with her--not that she knows I have any issues with her because I've never told her exactly how I feel!

I can't just dump her. I don't want to hurt her. She's done nothing to me to deserve being dumped.

I think what I'm going to do is just go with the flow. Then when she tries bossing me again...if it's something I don't agree with, then I'll just keep standing up for myself. Eventually, we'll probably have a discussion--or maybe we won't need to if I just keep standing up for myself. That's really all I have to do.

I don't have to make a big production of it.

deadmansbones said:

This doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships.

If you want to continue in this cycle then...good luck with that.

Ottensen said:

No, it's not really that. I'm just going to bide my time. I might not want to continue being "friends" with this person, but at the same time, I don't don't want to make an enemy either.

The friendship may just run its course. In other words, I think we both might be feeling like we just don't have a lot in common.

I'm just not going to "force" the issue in other words.

GirlBrother said:

I don't think it's that difficult. It sounds like this relationship is kind of floundering, anyway. It'll probably be a relief to both sides if it just peters out.

And it's easy to break up with people online. I just completely "defriended" someone I've known for over 20 years the other day. Facebook...linkedin...she's gone from all my connections. And since she lives 150 miles away...I don't ever have to see her again unless I want to.

deadmansbones said:

Honestly this doesn't sound like a true "friendship" to me. You sound like you are the punching bag for her criticisms and she also sounds like she is very jealous of you. Just by some the of the comments you mentioned in how she has talked to you would have given me grounds to drop her a long time ago. It's really not about her feelings here, its about yours. If you want to subject yourself to such negative energy, then of course its your choice, but I get the feeling that subconciously deep down, you REALLY know what you need to do, I think you are just afraid of losing her because of so much history you guys have. But think about it, at the end of the day, it's not about how long you have known her or if she "really is a good person" as you have had to say multiple times (and if you have to keep telling yourself "but they are a really good person" then most likely aren't if you have to question why your so called "friendship" with this person is bothering you) it's about how she encourages or motivates you to be a better person and enjoys your company. Trust me, it's not that hard to dump a friendship that includes a lot of negativity. That's just my two cents.

missfee said:

Thanks... yeah that's the way I see it from my side, but she might also have a side, too.

You know what happen? We became friends fast and quick--maybe too quickly.

We started hanging-out a whole lot. Now that a few years have past, I think it's dawned on BOTH of us.. at the end of the day, we might not have a lot in common for the long term.

Now we have enough in common to where we became friends. And we have enough in common to where I don't want to make "enemies" with her. But now.. this is what it is... It's become more of an obligation to hang-out... on BOTH sides.

I think she calls me out of obligation, and I accept out of obligation and vice versa! One of us might have to make a break, and that one us might have to me.

At the same time, I'm not going to make an enemy out of her by "breaking up" any more than she wants to make an enemy out of me.

I agree though there's something not working right regarding both of us!

So.. I'm just going to wait and see what happens the next time we see each other--if there is a next time! There might not be a next time!

I've started to see more and more how true it is that we teach other people how to treat us. Maybe you just need to stand your ground with her a little more. If she says something rude to you, respond. And respond knowing that you're fully justified and entitled to be pissed off or annoyed or whatever. She may see how she is and change her behavior...or maybe she'll get upset and stop calling you. Either way, you've been true to yourself and stood up for yourself, which will hopefully make you feel a whole lot better about it all.

Efan said:

Y'know what? Some people just aren't worth it. The person I "defriended" recently is someone who knows the things she says are offensive...but she has this compulsive need to belittle anyone who isn't as miserable as she is.

The best way for me to get it across was just to drop her - and never see her again. I've known her for 20 years, but there is absolutely no way that, if we met today, we would be friends.

The real difficulty lies in the fact that we still have friends in common. So not encountering her will, in a few limited cases, mean not seeing these other friends. But you know what? It's worth it not to have to deal with her.

Genesia said:

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've had a few of those "coyote ugly" friends in the past--where you cut off something good just to get away from them.

In my post, I was thinking more about how I handle (and sometimes don't handle) confrontation. I was projecting a little bit because I'm trying not to be such a wimp when it comes to letting someone know that they've offended me.

Move.

lazycrockett said:

lol

Efan said:

Yeah, that's a really good point. I have stood up for myself, and I don't think she liked it! Have you ever noticed people want you to "fit-in" to certain boxes, too? I'm pretty laid-back, and I'm thinking maybe I let her get away with saying stuff early-on.. trying to be polite--like the "trophy wife" bit. I should have never let her get away with saying that to me.

Looking back, I honestly don't see where I've said stuff to her like she's said to me. But maybe I have, and I just don't recognize it. It's always different when you look at yourself. You can always rationalize saying stupid stuff.. But I just can't recall...except for standing up for myself.

I dunno.. I've gotten to the point I just don't know why we're friends.

I'm supposed to meet her for lunch tomorrow! I think I might just cancel. I've got plenty of other stuff I need to do anyway!

This is off-topic, but like last night... We went to this party. Anyway, I mentioned to this woman I sometimes let my dog walk off-leash when nobody is around in this community park area.

This woman went off on me. She was just going on and on about how I shouldn't do that..blah, blah, blah. Well, she's probably right.. But I didn't even know the woman. We were just having this casual conversation.. a group of us. I understand her having an opinion, but to reprimand me.. that's what it was like--like she was reprimanding me!

I didn't say anything. I just told her she had a point... which she did. However, I wanted to say to her that she didn't know me or the situation well enough to reprimand me, but I didn't. I just don't say that kind of stuff to people I hardly know. I might voice an opinion... like I wouldn't let my dog off-leash (if it were true), but I wouldn't reprimand a perfect stranger for doing it!

It's just weird..