I never married my daughter's father, but his name is on the birth certificate.

He lives far away and she has not seen him since 2006.
Anyway my name is different from hers and it bothers me a lot when children ask my daughter questions about that. It also bothers me when people refer to me as "Mrs Brown" when I am really Miss Blue.

It would be difficult to get her last name changed; do you think it would be a good idea or a bad one to change may last name? I am 48 and the chances of me getting married ever in my lifetime are not very good.


Any of you have a situation like my daughters where your parents were not married and that was obvious to others.
[Edited 2/16/10 6:12am]

Deadflow3r said:

I'm sorry maybe it's just too early and my brain won't register, but I can't get my head wrapped around the very first sentence, and I read it 15 times.....HUH??

^^^^I'm gonna guess she meant to say "my daughter's father."

She means her daughter's last name isn't the same as hers.

I don't think it's a problem. At least when the kids are old enough, it usually doesn't bother them anymore. I didn't want to have my father's name myself. because I simply didn't like him and never really saw him. But as I got older I got along with it just fine.
[Edited 2/16/10 6:01am]

As for the question: I think you should do what makes you feel best and not worry what other people think (or call you; they probably mean well and just don't know better). If it would make you feel good to change your name, go for it. But I (just my opinion) think the only one that it would matter to is you.

I also disagree that the chances of you getting married are not good.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Maybe this is why they have the Preview Post selection. I am sorry. No I am not ready for the Jerry Springer Show!!!

I guess I don’t understand what the big deal is. In this day and age there are all kinds of kids who don’t have the same name as one of their parents. It says nothing about the kind of mother you are or your parenting skills. I doubt anyone gives it much thought, to be honest.

And I particularly don’t understand why you’d want to take someone’s name who has lived “far away” for 4 years and isn’t around for your daughter.

Efan said:

It really does bother me more than her. I am 40 years older than my daughter and am a bit frumpy/ mom looking. I look like the "married for years" type. Anyway I was raised Catholic and I feel quite guilty about it. Many woman my age choose to have a child, either by adoption or artificial insemination, so it's not THAT odd. She knows the children of a lesbian couple who have no idea who the sperm donor is. She is 8 now and I still have not gotten over it.


He has gone on and married a woman with boys who have her previous husbands name. I wonder if the wife would think it's weird? Anyway I guess that I am leaning that way because after 8 years it still bugs me. Does anybody call such children "bastards" any longer? I haven't heard that word used that way in a long time. When I was younger (the 60's and 70's ) people thought less of such children even though they had not say in the choice to not get married.

Deadflow3r said:

I see!! I guess I shoulda read past the first sentence!

I think about this a lot myself. One day my last name will be diff than my childrens also, and I know it doesn't really MATTER but I know it would bother me.

How old is your daughter?? If she's really young I would def get her last name changed if it bothers you that much. If she's older I would talk to her about it and see what she thinks...

TotalANXiousNESS said:

I agree with this. If you really want the same name, I'd look at changing hers or both of your names. I don't understand taking someone else's name who is now married to someone else. That's just kinda... odd.

Deadflow3r said:

Even if some morons would still use such vocabulary behind closed doors, it would be the last of your concerns.

CarrieMpls said:

Yeah, your right it is odd, that's kinda why I started this thread. She likes her last name and her dad would pitch a fit if I changed it. It's the only child that has his last name. If I got married to someone, then I would not feel so bad to say "I am now married to someone else" then to tell people I never married the dad. I wonder if the wife would be creeped out, guess I should ask her.

Don't change your name to his.

Ask your daughter if she would consider changing her name to match yours. She may do this if you give her your reasons. I wouldn't push this personally, if she wants to keep it, let her.

If she does want to change it, great all round.

If not, you'll need to deal with the guilt / being bothered. She could be married with a brand new name in a few years anyway.

If Pa kicks up a fuss, tell him, in the politest terms you can, to go fuck off. (2006! )

And forget what other people may (but probably don't) think. No-one uses the term bastard in that context anymore. 1970 was 40 years ago.

Good luck!

1) Dont change your last name to his. Like said, thats weird. And I doubt its even legally possible like that.

2) Is it really an issue for your daughter? Obviously it is to you, but it is her name that bothers you really. So does she have a problem? If not, leave it like that.

3) If she does have a problem with it, she could ask for a name change. But only her and she would have to have good reason, I assume (dont know the laws where you are)

Just to throw another log in the fire. I don't like my last name with my first. It's too many s sounds together. Picky I know, but since I don't see marriage in my future ( they say woman my age are as likely to get struck by lightning as to marry) I'll be stuck with this ssss sound. I mean I am old to think of this. It wouldn't be as severe a change as Terence Trent D did but still.
Maybe this is some sort of middle age thing of wanting to change my life combined with guilt over not exactly choosing the best father figure for my daughter and maybe hurting her respectability among others. People sometimes judge children by what they think of the child's parents. Given that I am on Disability... I just don't want my daughter being looked down on because of choices I made.
If it causes her pain in her teens I will be quite upset with myself. I was "too old" to be stupid, yet I was afraid at 40 that if I didn't get pregnant then I never would and the baby's daddy, who didn't have children, was very OK with the idea of my having his baby.

If you don’t like your last name, then by all means change it. But don’t change it to some man’s who has left you with a child, moved far, far away and is now remarried. If I were his new wife it would totally creep me out. And it comes off as weirdly desperate. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’m being frank.

As for the rest, you’re being far too hard on yourself.
1) Very, very few people would judge you for being a single parent or having a child while not being married (I mean we’re talking less than 1% of the population at large), and
2) people who would judge your daughter harshly for choices you have made aren’t worth giving your consideration. At ALL.

Not to mention, it sounds like you’ve made the best of your situation and were happy with the choices you made when you made them. So own that. You have a lovely daughter. You’ve done nothing wrong.

I say you shouldn't. I don't think there are too many people who will look down upon your daughter because her parents weren't married...and those will...don't matter.
explain to your daughter how that is your family (father's last name) just as she has her fathers last name. and after all it's just a name...changing it won't change any of the other factors.
good luck. keep your head heald high, you have a beautiful child that you love and who loves you....what more should really matter?

I can not say what you should do or not do ...

I just know that I would not change my last name in this situation

CarrieMpls said:

Originally I wanted to change my last name to "Michaels" which is absolutely nobody's last name that I know. Then somehow all the guilt combined with that name change idea and I thought if you are going to change your name to something else why not HER last name?? Like I've implied this may be part of a mid- life crisis kind of thing. Anyway, before I impulsively went and did it I wanted to see it from another angle besides my own.

Deadflow3r said:

My younger half brother was in kind of the opposite situation. His mother (and mine) and his father were not married. My mum had given him my father's surname so that he would have the same name as his brothers and sisters.

Anyhow, last year (he's 30 now) he changed his surname to my mother's maiden name. The weird thing is that my mum has always kept her married name, so now my brother has a different name to all of us!

I guess he didn't like having the name of a man who he's only met once or twice and means nothing to him.

My advice, is keep your own name and let your kid decide for herself in time.

Deadflow3r said:

You should also consider the raminifications a name change.
The very fact however already that you do not know for sure why you feel like this, speaks volumes. My advice would be: don't do anything and let your daughter decide what name she wants.

vivid said:

You made me think of this:
Would it not be funny if I changed my last name to her fathers and then she grew up to dislike him and his inattentiveness so much she chose to change her name to my maiden name and also the last name of her uncle and aunt!!!

My sister has the same situation as you,kind of. See she married her childrens sperm donor,and she took his last name,but both the kids have her maiden name. She has been saying that she is going to get her name changed legally back to her maiden name,but she just hasn't gotten around to it yet. Myself personally,I would want my child to have the same last name as me,but that's just me. I think you need to do what feels right or you.
[Edited 2/16/10 8:36am]

Deadflow3r said:

Modern families, eh? Can get pretty complicated.

Why not just answer to Mrs. Brown?

PurpleRighteous1 said:

I edited it after it was pointed out. But you can still see it on the reply's.

OnlyNDaUsa said:

I do when it's said. Sometimes they have to say it twice though. Example, when I am waiting in a lobby and someone comes out of an office to call me in and says "Mrs Brown" weirdly I hesitate for a split second and then they say, I'm sorry. I never correct people unless they are filling out paperwork at the time.

My parents weren't married either and I ALWAYS wanted my mother's last name. I asked her several times to change it but she didn't. For me, when I was young, it was a constant reminder of his triflin' ass and it invariably led to questions from other kids about why my last name was different.

On practical level, I know from a girlfriend whose son's last name is different than hers, it can be a hassle from an insurance/legal standpoint when the last names are different. Some governemt agencies may ask for permission for some things when they notice the last manes are different. Whereas, they won't think twice when the names are the same.

As for your own last name, can you change it to your mother's maiden name?
[Edited 2/16/10 10:14am]

SCNDLS said:

If my daughter was upset about it I would change somebody's name no matter what dad and the new wife thought. She is first and for most. Everyone else can forget about me and move on: We will always be mother and daughter. I never thought of my mothers last name. It also sounds better with my first name then all those ssss sounds together. My dad was a mess who managed to alienate everybody before he died. We all fell bad for him in a way because he just never got it. His eulogy by his cousin who was a priest was sort of funny. It was kinda like " we all know the man was a piece of work and that is why he needs our prayers". No one had anything nice to say except that he did have a good sense of humor.