The following is...actually I'm not sure what it is. A ramble, a vent? Just something I had to put into words and put out there, I suppose.

I can count on one hand the times I remember being in the same room as my father. Unfortunately, the most intimate part of those meetings consisted of a few awkward minutes on a bench, in a hallway outside of a courtroom. Child support (or rather the failure to pay it) is a great way of bringing a family together, if only for an hour or two and in the presence of a judge and a couple of lawyers.

I was born out of wedlock. Well, that's only part of it. The part you're supposed to tell people to avoid uncomfortable questions or bringing the conversation to a halt. Most importantly, to avoid them passing judgment on the person who gave all she had to protect and nurture you and whose amazing spirit made you the person you are today (warts and all). I was the product of an extra-marital affair.

I imagine it is because of this that my mother didn't have any photos of my father. As time passed, and I no longer saw my father in court, his face became more and more blurred in my memory. So much so, that even though my mother always said I resembled him, I feared I would simply not recognize him if we were to find ourselves in the same room one day. She never spoke poorly of him. In fact, she always told me that if I wanted to spend time with him or have him in my life, in any way, I could. She even encouraged it. But when your encounters with your father have been as limited and of a less than positive nature, or your thoughts of him consist of mostly wondering why he doesn't have any interest in you... you're just don't feel comfortable enough to attempt a connection.

The internet is an amazing thing. Though I never met any of my relatives on my father's side it has made it possible for me to connect with many other Gascots. Some have found me through my website, but most have reached out through Facebook. Most have been distant cousins. The closest (to my knowledge) until recently was the wife of one of my brothers. Some have seemed happy to communicate with me at first, but when I share my place in the family tree, or my true feelings about my father (which are in actuality not negative, I simply refuse to romanticize him), they seem to stop writing.

Over the past two weeks I have been emailing back and forth with a first cousin (daughter of one of my father's sisters). She seems like a truly wonderful person. She said, like my mother so many times before, that I resemble my father. I explained that I have no detailed recollection of his face and that though I seek no reunions, I would love the chance to see his face. I suppose this was my way of asking if she had any photos she could share with me without asking bluntly for one. I can't say I understand this sudden desire to see his face. Maybe I realize that though he had nothing to do with shaping the person I am today, he had at least half to do with the fact that I sit here typing this at all.

A few hours ago I received a photo of him (and his brothers and sisters) from my cousin. I never anticipated what it might feel like, looking for myself in another man's face. Or having my fear of not recognizing my own father confirmed. It is all very strange, but I am extremely grateful. Though virtually a stranger, my cousin has given me a gift no one else has ever been able to (or offered to). I still don't know what to make of it all, but I hope I will get more photos of him. For now, I think I will keep staring at that face, searching for that resemblance everyone always told me about

wow John... thanks for sharing...

your words touched my i hope your search will be realized.

mods, do what's right.

TheVoid said:

I'm also searching for my foot in your ass.

johnart said:

5 stars.

johnart said:

Put it so far up there he has toes for teeth.

2the9s said:

What are you, Oprah?

TheVoid said:

I didn't get that.
Not the Oprah comment, the 5 stars.
[Edited 1/30/10 23:05pm]

TheVoid said:

instigator...

johnart said:

That sentence about the not seeking a reunion but wanting to see his face is one of the best written sentences I've read in a long time.

It conveys a contemplative singular curiosity allowing the reader to speculate on your mental state while saying it. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you hurt? We don't know by that statement--but what we do know and feel is the same curiosity and urgency displayed in the tone. It's brilliantly written.
I think that's what he was referring to.

Either way, it's so well written I'm almost certain you stold it from somebody. Did you just recently read "A Million Little Pieces"? I think you stold it from there.

RenHoek said:

I love 9sey. I've studied from him on the org.
Following in his footsteps has allowed me to
increase my popularity and also be a complete
asshole at the same time as is evident in my
being banned only twice in all this time
even though I slay bitches, son.

TheVoid said:

I Googled it before I made that comment!

(And found a great blog. )

I'm so fuckin confused.

2the9s said:

"Slash Says There's No Chance of a GN'R Reunion"
I wouldn't have guessed you were a fan

2the9s said:

You're like the Hiinenkle of the left.

What would I do without this group??

Probably something amazing and productive, but still...

TheVoid said:

OMG I'm watching GB and JUST as you posted this "Tick Tick Bang" came on.

Accident? I think not.

2the9s said:

BTW y'all made me google my own shit just to be sure it wasn't really from somewhere else.

That's some fuckery makin someone question their own words.
Y'all aint cute.

johnart said:

5 1/2 stars.

johnart said:

That's nothing.

Try googling 'mdiver' some time.


Here's the second pic that actually comes up:

2the9s said:

TheVoid said:

So that's an old pic, I don't get it. I do like his hair better now.

I googled something completely unrelated earlier and a pic of minniegenius in her zebra snuggie came up. The org has some strong search engine mojo.
[Edited 1/30/10 23:41pm]

This thread has taken unexpected turns.

TheVoid said:

yeah thanks to your google instructions I discovered something called orgerswithoutborders...

johnart said:

MrsMdiver said:

OOHYOURAVI!!!

This thread represents a lot of things I love about the org.

Beatifully written post, Johnart.