1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is there egg in it? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you will not be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not going to tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Junior to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICK THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

Best damn thread on the month!!!!!

So much for me talking a plate of food home with me on my own tupperwar

I love this list

but my draw back from last year was the dam leftovers hate them with a passion

I'm also diabetic
[Edited 11/24/09 23:50pm]

SCNDLS said:

SCNDLS said:

Good list! My only objection is the first one. A lot of people have special dietary needs (diabetes, severe allergies, religious stuff, etc.) so asking questions is a MUST if anything is going to be eaten. Hey, it's either allow a few questions or be prepared to rush your guests to the emergency room.

HA! omg that's great.


oh yeah I do #1. I'm a vegetarian so I have to ask if there's meat in some stuff, I bring most of my own stuff to family meals tho.
[Edited 11/24/09 13:59pm]

why u making rules and shit?

just have my fuckin plate ready when i get there.

matthewgrant said:

I'm not veg, but I don't eat anything with pork products and I have severe anaphylactic allergies. If I can't ask if that pie or stuffing has, say, walnuts and end up eating a piece or something that's touched it, well....it's not pretty. If I didn't get to my epi-pen and an emergency room ASAP I could die.

I'm not hosting Thanksgiving this year, but will be hosting the rest of holidays.
And we have our Holiday Party/Ron's Bday on the 5th. I'm makin a damn lawn sign with #3 printed on it!!!

I put on the invitation for the 5th COCKTAIL Party, thinking folk would figure it's a polite way of sayin NO KIDS. Howsome-everrrrr there will be some chirrunz.

I will not be held responsible if after a cocktail or 4 I catch a child messin with my Xmas shit and my hand should brush against the back of their head, with speed and repeatedly. Then they can sit the rest of the party out in our sunroom (we have no basement).

meow85 said:

That's what the benadryl's for!

Fury said:

Yo plate will be waitin' for you at the curb, wrapped in foil and in a Wal-mart bag.

You better at least bring a bottle of Grey Goose!



:mumblecheapmumblemuthaeffingmumblebastards:

SCNDLS said:

That's messed up

johnart said:

Three years ago, I had 80 muthafuckas for Thanksgiving dinner. Half of them were kids. FORTY rugrats running around with sticky hands on a punch and pecan pie high.

But it turned out okay. I had long tables and chairs upstairs so they weren't too underfoot. Surprisingly, nothing got broke but somewhere between then and Xmas I decided I wasn't having any kids.

SCNDLS said:

Not the Walmart bag.

PurpleRighteous1 said:

But you obviously know what I"m talking about. We keeps that on hand in case somebody throat close up.

noimageatall said:

noimageatall said:

I don't like Grey Goose so I always AKS for Ketel One, but why a cheap mofo ALWAYS ends up bringing Absoulut.

Didn't you AKS me what I'd like for you to bring and I said "Ketel muthafuckin' One"???

SCNDLS said:

Now I understand rule #3

Maybe I should make a copy of these rules and post it on my door and in my kitchen.

SCNDLS said:

you could have at least said target....

My condensed Thanksgiving Prayer so I don't break rule #4

"Lord, thankyou for this food and the hands that prepared it. Thankyou for your grace and mercy and everyone in this household, watch over them and protect them this coming year and always. Thanks to the people and forces who provide us with challenges that help refine us and make us stronger. Bless our leaders, soldiers, friends, and enemies alike. And all agree by saying Amen!" Let's eat.

karmatornado said:

I always say "Commence shoveling"

POST OF THE YEAR

Beautiful...just beautiful.

I'm tempted to just come over with my blanket, pillow, suitcase, 20 little nephews, and a cheap bottle of crappy vodka and eat the crap out of your place. And then I'm gonna raid your Tupperware and stuff all my leftovers in it. BWAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA!

SCNDLS said:

MARRY ME!

meow85 said:

....maybe you need to bring your own dinner in your own tupperware and not eat anyone else's meal....just like everyone else, assume that it contains all the shit you really don't need to be ingesting anyway.

ps wtf with school and daycare being closed for 4 days. am I supposed to spend time with the kid or something. He better have 4 days worth of homework to do!
[Edited 11/24/09 18:45pm]

Loved It