independent and unofficial
Prince fan community
Welcome! Sign up or enter username and password to remember me
Forum jump
Forums > General Discussion > It's long, but please read this....(especially if you have overbearing parents)
« Previous topic  Next topic »
Page 2 of 3 <123>
  New topic   Printable     (Log in to 'subscribe' to this topic)
Reply #30 posted 10/04/09 12:18pm

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

That's a great letter. If I were your parents I'd be in tears by the end and calling you to ask if I can come over and bring flowers and hugs.

Here's hoping you get something like that. hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #31 posted 10/04/09 3:41pm

IAintTheOne

PunkMistress said:

JerseyKRS said:

All four of my children are honor roll students, stay out of trouble and are GOOD, respectful human beings. Every single one of them is just as happy and safe, if not more so, than either Erin or I was at their ages. They are still learning responsibility and respect every single day as they grow.


I think this is the most important part. These are the facts, so how are you doing a poor job?



I think you guys are doing a great job. No disrespect but fuck what they have to say.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #32 posted 10/04/09 3:56pm

bluesbaby

avatar

JerseyKRS said:

We aren't speaking with my parents right now, you'll see why shortly. They (especially my father) are notoriously difficult to talk to as they are very self centered and myopic. Seeing things from someone elses perspective is a foreign concept to them. They kind of went overboard last week and I've finally decided to lay out some basic outlines of what I will and will not accept from them when it comes to their behavior involving my family.

Let me know what you think....please?

I understand that a lot of orgers have lost their moms and/or dads, I know I will do the same one day, so there is no need to remind me of that. I love my family fiercely, but parents or not, everyone has to treat me, my wife and my children a certain way. shrug



Mom and Dad,

I want you both to know that I love you so very much. Nothing will ever change that. I appreciate all the things you have done, and continually do for the kids, Erin and me. However, I feel that you sometimes fail to see, understand and respect the acceptable boundaries that exist between an adult, his family and his parents. name something they have done well, so they see your attention to detail. save this final sentence for the next paragraph. End this paragraph with something about being open to understanding and receiving this letter in the loving context it was written in.

I will no longer accept or allow you to disrupt my family based on your ideas or views on things you don’t agree with in my household. I, along with my family, show you respect and accommodate your wishes with a loving attitude at all times. I am going to have to ask that you do a better job of doing the same with me and my family from now on. I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way you do at times, the fact that you are my parents and I love you are the only reasons I have tolerated it this long.
eliminate the "I am going to have to ask..You are asking. Do something along the lines of "with respect to you, I ask that you respect my family and myself by respecting my wishes for my family.."
You’re going to have to find a way to understand that this is my family and household…not yours. I, along with my wife, set the rules and run it whichever way we see fit. You are entitled to have your opinion on that, you should even be able to bring it up to and discuss it with us since you are my parents. Unfortunately, because you choose to not do so in a respectful and loving way, you’re going to have to keep it to yourselves from now on. Any help you have ever given, and continue to give to us, is appreciated from the bottom of my heart, but it does not give you the right to make decisions in this household. I know at times we get frustrated and vent to you about how difficult running our home and family is. Again, this does not give you permission to take it upon yourselves to set the rules here.
[b] I agree with others who have said you may want to put short, concise points of what you want them to do.

I’ve asked you to call me before you come over to my home NUMEROUS times. This is not an unreasonable request. It is one of the VERY FEW things that I ask to be respected. I’ve lived with you (Dad) long enough to know that you don’t do this on purpose, for what reason, I don’t know. I assume to be contrary and just show me that you don’t have to listen to me, which, in most instances, you don’t. You’re the father and I am your son. This hurts me because I do my best to respect the things you ask of me. That same respect should be extended to me. I know I am your son, but I am still a 35 year old man in his own home and for you to continue to wave your finger in my face just because you feel like it is not only rude, but mean.

One of the disadvantages of raising four children, going to college, working two jobs and starting two small businesses is the numerous times we have to leave our home. This would be impossible if our children were very young, but they aren’t. I want to make sure that you know (even though I shouldn’t have to explain how I run my family to anyone other than my wife) that we allowed Elissia and Mari to go to the clubhouse (a couple blocks away) while we were gone (at a business meeting). I did the exact same thing in 4th grade on Buttonwood Drive while both of you were at work. They asked permission first and we knew where they were. They called us to let us know they were there and OK. We allowed CJ to go to the skate park because he has been working very hard and doing as well as can be expected from him. We allowed Rosie to go to her friend’s house. Elissia and Mari left our doors open, not yours. We would have found that out and dealt with whatever would have resulted from that when we returned home, because WE are the parents and it is OUR home. Again, I would never dream of telling you how to feel about anything, it’s not my place to tell you how to think or act. However, the way you choose to act on those feelings in regards to me and my family will have to change. To decide to pick my son up from the skate park was beyond acceptable. He earned that under OUR rules, HIS PARENTS. To go through my house while we were not home and get angry over anything (open doors, messes, our dog, etc.) is not your place. You are not allowed to just do whatever you feel with my family.

The fact that you think we are doing a “poor” job of raising our family saddens me, but I do not care. I truly mean that, because I am doing a TERRIFIC job of raising my family. {b] insert something with regard to how they taught you well and we are a reflection of our upbringing (toss it in their face, like another orger said--do so gently) This is obviously a mother statement...[/b] I sometimes feel that you choose to not recognize that I am raising two children out of a divorce, willingly accepted two more children that I am adopting, support a wife that is in school and starting a small business, and do MY BEST at maintaining my home. I work and pay my bills responsibly. I am attempting to start a small business myself, doing something that I love, something that isn’t very easy, but I’m pursuing it. My wife is doing the exact same thing. I do not smoke, drink, drug, gamble, or fuck around on my wife. I don’t physically, verbally or emotionally abuse my family. All four of my children are honor roll students, stay out of trouble and are GOOD, respectful human beings. Every single one of them is just as happy and safe, if not more so, than either Erin or I was at their ages. They are still learning responsibility and respect every single day as they grow. The fact that my children forget to close or lock the door, clean up after themselves or whatever other incident that you seem to have something to say about is for me and my wife to deal with, not you. We know where our children are at ALL times. Wherever we allow them to go is up to US. The frequency that they are left alone is determined by us, not you. I understand that you worry about them, I am very thankful that they have grandparents that care so much about them. Still, that does not give you the right to impose your decisions on my family.

I love you both more than you even know. I know nothing will ever stop you from worrying irrationally about us and the children. I have accepted that and live with it. I have seen relationships in your lives degrade and disappear and refuse to allow our relationship end up in that same result. There is no reason for that. I hope and pray that you listen to this letter with an open mind and understand that I’m not telling you off. I’m simply asking for a little more love and respect. I’m asking for you to allow me to be an adult and let me raise my family, for better or worse, as I see fit. I hate that we aren’t talking. It hurts me to the point of near tears. However, I can’t allow you to continue to act the way you have when it comes to me and my family. I hope to hear from you soon.


With all my love,

Christopher

I hope my bold print came out up there. Chris, you and Erin are the parents. You are the ones raising children, and I commend you for writing this note to try and salvage a relationship both for yourselves, and your kids with their grandparents. You might want to tell them you are doing this for the kids, too....and truly you are. You are teaching them how to address painful issues with dignity, and fairness, and respect,even when it hurts.

I hope it works out.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #33 posted 10/04/09 4:10pm

jone70

avatar

I agree with the poster who suggested bullet points. I would also include consequences.

Like, "We have repeatedly asked you to call in advance of visiting. Going forward, if you do not call before visiting, we reserve the right to not let you into our home."

Harsh, I know, but if you really want to lay the smack down, that's what I'd do.


Good luck.


I have been trying to plan my mother's 60th birthday party for months now -- I'm in NYC, she and the rest of my family are in Iowa. My brother & sis-in-law - who live 40 miles from my parents - have barely lifted a finger to help. My mother is seconding guessing every decision I make. And they wonder why I only visit once a year. confused
The check. The string he dropped. The Mona Lisa. The musical notes taken out of a hat. The glass. The toy shotgun painting. The things he found. Therefore, everything seen–every object, that is, plus the process of looking at it–is a Duchamp.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #34 posted 10/04/09 4:13pm

IAintTheOne

My In laws know better than to try that shit in my house
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #35 posted 10/04/09 4:33pm

ZombieKitten

clapping

I agree with BlackAdder about the "get out of my life" part

I got an email from a client last week it started with "we are not quite on the right track" and then listed all the things she loved about my work. I only absorbed the first sentence at first, not until I read it much later did I realise I was devastated over nothing nuts

Point form - great idea, with some clear rules nod like virginie said nod

My mother in law has issues with the way we raise our middle child (which, incidentally isn't different to how we raise the other 2 - at least not in the way SHE thinks, he is just a VERY DIFFERENT personality) she believes we favour him and are too soft on him, and that is the reason why he has such over the top reactions to everything. We have explained to her so many times she has NO idea how things are at home since she only sees us on social occasions and of COURSE we tone things down a bit in polite company wacky I've screamed at her (with tears in my eyes) that we are nearly always angry over his behaviour and it so hard for use to show him how much we love him, when he leaves such short gaps of time in-between episodes for normal interaction cry
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #36 posted 10/04/09 4:36pm

JerseyKRS

avatar

thank you so much to all of you. it really helps. mushy


  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #37 posted 10/04/09 4:47pm

heybaby

JerseyKRS said:

thank you so much to all of you. it really helps. mushy

hug sometimes you just have to put your foot down.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #38 posted 10/04/09 5:01pm

babynoz

Change the phrase fuck around to fool around and you're good to go. Don't be shocked if you don't hear from them right away though.

Best of luck.

hug
Prince, in you I found a kindred spirit...Rest In Paradise.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #39 posted 10/04/09 6:19pm

tackam

avatar

Blargh.

Your letter is fair and kind. Let us know how it goes.

rose
"What's 'non-sequitur' mean? Do I look it up in a Fag-to-English dictionary?"
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #40 posted 10/04/09 6:42pm

kimrachell

i truly hope they will understand. dealing with parents isn't easy, right now i'm so happy that mine moved away to texas, shame on me, but it sure is nice to have several states between us. lol

hug
[Edited 10/4/09 18:42pm]
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #41 posted 10/04/09 7:21pm

paintedlady

avatar

Great letter.
A few points....

Children need their grandparents, so even if they piss you off, you can't cut them out of your life. This is bigger than someone stepping on your pride/respect, your children have a relationship with them.

Now, tell your children to respect their elders, but guard them from the dumb shit your parents might do or say, by telling your kids that sometimes your parents are assholes, but that you guys should still love and your parents anyways. Tell them to take what the grandparents say with a grain of salt. Make sure the kids know to check in with you guys first always. Train them to think that way.

Do not play emotional blackmail by keeping the grandkids outta their lives (like holidays or such, this can not be a consequence for your parents). They will use this against you and feel justified for their asshole-like behavior.

They will slowly change, well... maybe not with your dad because pride may get in the way.

Until then, learn to understand that they just worry, and work your way to ease their thoughts and make the kids aware to NOT play into being manipulated by them.

and make sure the kids don't open the door for them unless they get the OK from you. A few times of not answering the door will teach them to call first.

My mom is like that. hug good luck.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #42 posted 10/04/09 9:32pm

missmad

love the letter the way it is. I would write it like that as well. keep us in the loop ok?

this takes guts well done! try and keep the kids out of it if u can.

love M
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #43 posted 10/05/09 7:11am

PunkMistress

avatar

The support and advice really mean a lot.

Thank you all.

grouphug
It's what you make it.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #44 posted 10/05/09 7:24am

thekidsgirl

avatar

From the limited amount I know about you guys, you seem like great parents, and your kids always look really happy and well cared for. Plus, if they are doing well in school, and are growing up to be responsible adults, I don't see what the problem is? Some parents are never satisfied with their own kids, and that is really sad to me.
I think the letter is really well worded and respectful, but straight-forward. I hope things improve for you guys hug
If you will, so will I
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #45 posted 10/05/09 7:29am

shortnsweet

avatar

I hope this works out for you guys. I think it's a great letter and what's most important is you back each other up.
I have many issues w/ my in-laws , the worst being they are at my house practiacally EVERY weekend. My mother in law is a single mother of a teenager. She has no motivation what so ever. She lives off of the government and has ever since the first day I met her 11 years ago. They come to my house, eat tons of food (as teenage boys do naturally) and my house is spotless before they get here and a mess when they leave. I could go on for hours about all my issues w/ this but it would probably just bore you to tears. My major issue is my husband thinks I'm being a bitch if I don't want them to come. He doesn't get it at all.....I don't put his mom down to him because that would be direspectful so I guess he doesn't really know all my issues but if it were my mom here every weekend I know he would go INSANE, lol.
LIVE4LUV
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #46 posted 10/05/09 7:31am

pardonme4livin

Wow Chris....first let me say, I understand yours and Erin's frustrations with all of that...I thought your letter was very well stated.

There is always that fine line where our "old school" parents believe they have the right, if not the responsibility to interfere with our lives. Establishing boundaries is necessary...and I am proud of you (yes proud dammit) that you were able to express yourself, mostly controlled and were able to communicate your feelings.

If he is like how I think he is...he will not get past the second paragraph of this...but regardless...well done my friend. clapping

I wish you luck on this... hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #47 posted 10/05/09 8:53am

Shorty

avatar

whoa...this is a hard one. manly because I'm only aware of this event you mentioned about them thinking the girls were missing and freaking out your other children...obviously not good. BUT that is out of love that they freaked out...
so I gather what happened was, they came over unannounced, went in, no one was home so they freaked out, found your son, told him to go find the sisters?
and I get the impression they show up when no one's home often? and then complain about the mess or whathave you? (I'm just trying to get a picture of the situation)
I personally would NEVER mandate that any relative of mine call before they come over...ESPECIALLY my Mom or Dad or my husbands parents. It's family...they are always welcome. Then again I don't have people coming over and going in when I'm not home. Obviously your parents should have just made a simple phone call and the whole mess could have been avoided.
My mom makes her comments on things...I take them with a grain of salt. shrug she wasn't a perfect parent, she thinks we're a little to hard on them...but in the same breath comments about what a "brat" I was. To which I always tell her that was HER fault...not mine. biggrin
As an example...last week my mom wanted to pick up my oldest from school so she could visit with him for a while untill I got home from work. so ofcourse they went in the house and ofcourse it was a mess...and by the time I got home my mom had done all the dishes, cleaned up the counter, swept the floor and did a load of laundry. Part of me takes that as you don't keep your house clean enough and the other part of me say. Thanx ma! smile
One thing is for sure...Your parents are who they are...they ARE NOT going to change at this stage in their lives. (ok..maybe..but I doubt it)
I wonder if you guys just diligently locked your doors would most of this problem dissapear?
I understand why you guys are frustrated...I would just hate to see any relationship with your folx go from bad to worse. sad
good luck with it you guys.
"not a fan" falloff yeah...ok
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #48 posted 10/06/09 5:59pm

TotalANXiousNE
SS

avatar

The waving ur finger n yelling at me ing own house turned my stomach. That shit irritates me beyond belief. Hellllloooo I'm an adult n this is my house.

Good letter but if the parents are anything like the overbearing x laws I've dealt with the letter will just insult mom n bring her to tears n she'll shame U into apologizing to HER n dad will just get pissed n be totally irrational.

Good letter tho. Began n ended by addressing the positive n put the complaints in btw. The only part I'd personally take out is where u explain ur n the kids where about for a half hr. Like u said u n Erin are great parents w great kids so u need not xplain anything.

Good luck w that. Hope u's get the outcome ur looking for peacefully.
I've reached in darkness and come out with treasure
I layed down with love and I woke up with lies
Whats it all worth only the heart can measure
It's not whats in the mirror but what's left inside
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #49 posted 10/06/09 6:04pm

SupaFunkyOrgan
grinderSexy

avatar

OK, if Erin is a controlling bitch freak who snapped those testes off and forced you to do this then shame! lol BUT, since I know she's already done that and you still had the balls to do this then I say you did absolutely the right thing. At the end of the day your parents are people and they gots to get with the program or forget it hammer I applaud the fact that you're actually standing up to them. Sometimes you gotta cut out family, sad but true. Thank god you are strong enough to even contemplate it for the good of your family hug
2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #50 posted 10/06/09 6:09pm

ZombieKitten

Shorty said:

whoa...this is a hard one. manly because I'm only aware of this event you mentioned about them thinking the girls were missing and freaking out your other children...obviously not good. BUT that is out of love that they freaked out...
so I gather what happened was, they came over unannounced, went in, no one was home so they freaked out, found your son, told him to go find the sisters?
and I get the impression they show up when no one's home often? and then complain about the mess or whathave you? (I'm just trying to get a picture of the situation)
I personally would NEVER mandate that any relative of mine call before they come over...ESPECIALLY my Mom or Dad or my husbands parents. It's family...they are always welcome. Then again I don't have people coming over and going in when I'm not home. Obviously your parents should have just made a simple phone call and the whole mess could have been avoided.
My mom makes her comments on things...I take them with a grain of salt. shrug she wasn't a perfect parent, she thinks we're a little to hard on them...but in the same breath comments about what a "brat" I was. To which I always tell her that was HER fault...not mine. biggrin
As an example...last week my mom wanted to pick up my oldest from school so she could visit with him for a while untill I got home from work. so ofcourse they went in the house and ofcourse it was a mess...and by the time I got home my mom had done all the dishes, cleaned up the counter, swept the floor and did a load of laundry. Part of me takes that as you don't keep your house clean enough and the other part of me say. Thanx ma! smile
One thing is for sure...Your parents are who they are...they ARE NOT going to change at this stage in their lives. (ok..maybe..but I doubt it)
I wonder if you guys just diligently locked your doors would most of this problem dissapear?
I understand why you guys are frustrated...I would just hate to see any relationship with your folx go from bad to worse. sad
good luck with it you guys.


That is the only way I think of it! razz
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #51 posted 10/06/09 6:19pm

hokie

Jersey...good job for standing up for yourself and your family. YOU and ERIN are the parents and the only ones who need to make decisions regarding your family. I know it's hard. I live with my mom and I sort of go through the same problems as you. I think she feels like cause I live here she's entitled to have a say in my life. I appreciate what she is doing for me because without her I'd be homeless. But, I'm 36 and don't feel that she can tell me how to live my life or raise my kids. It's tough.

hug to you and Erin and I'm sorry you're going through this.

In case you DO show this to your parents....

Ya'll fools need to BACK the fuck OUT of their decisions!!! hammer


biggrin
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #52 posted 10/06/09 6:25pm

PunkMistress

avatar

hokie said:

Jersey...good job for standing up for yourself and your family. YOU and ERIN are the parents and the only ones who need to make decisions regarding your family. I know it's hard. I live with my mom and I sort of go through the same problems as you. I think she feels like cause I live here she's entitled to have a say in my life. I appreciate what she is doing for me because without her I'd be homeless. But, I'm 36 and don't feel that she can tell me how to live my life or raise my kids. It's tough.

hug to you and Erin and I'm sorry you're going through this.

In case you DO show this to your parents....

Ya'll fools need to BACK the fuck OUT of their decisions!!! hammer


biggrin


eek

falloff
It's what you make it.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #53 posted 10/06/09 6:32pm

hokie

PunkMistress said:

hokie said:

Jersey...good job for standing up for yourself and your family. YOU and ERIN are the parents and the only ones who need to make decisions regarding your family. I know it's hard. I live with my mom and I sort of go through the same problems as you. I think she feels like cause I live here she's entitled to have a say in my life. I appreciate what she is doing for me because without her I'd be homeless. But, I'm 36 and don't feel that she can tell me how to live my life or raise my kids. It's tough.

hug to you and Erin and I'm sorry you're going through this.

In case you DO show this to your parents....

Ya'll fools need to BACK the fuck OUT of their decisions!!! hammer


biggrin


eek

falloff



talk to the hand Don't make that surprised expression...

You know you want to say the same thing. lol













I'm just kidding. hug I hate this for ya'll.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #54 posted 10/06/09 7:24pm

peb319

avatar

hug hug
it's a good thing to try to get them to start understand..
and to fix it before it's completely gone..

_____

hug you are good people!! hug
my mom has never really tried to tell me what to do in my own home..
she hardly visits..
but my two sons and my nephews used to simply adore her..
now my son still near home (23)
and my nephews (17)(13)(8)
seem indifferent..they've grown.
and my son and 2 oldest nephews told me about a month or so that they didn't want to come back out to visit their gramma again....EVER
the reason??
my (basically) stepdad...he hates all of us and sees us as worthless human beings..
always has....
and she just goes right along with him, whatever he says..
so they told me they want nothing to do with ever visiting again..
and i told her..
and got no reaction!! eek
sun 'why y'all trying to say goodbye? I didn't go anywhere, I'm right here, im all around you,always..' sun

in a line from my dream, I heard a voice and saw a silhouette in a chair..
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #55 posted 10/06/09 7:48pm

johnart

avatar

clapping

I know of family over-stepping. I've had long periods of not speaking with both my aunt (she's the next mother-figure after my mom passed) and hubby's mom. Sometimes you have to just let folk know that you are no longer a child and demand respect.
I do not know what it must be like when there's also children involved but can only imagine that it complicates things even further. I tip my hat to you for taking a stand.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #56 posted 10/07/09 7:34am

applekisses

I think you guys were correct in setting boundaries for your parents. Don't let them guilt-trip you (as you know, ancient Italian secret... lol ) and turn this into a "you're trying to exclude us from your life" drama or try to put a wedge between the two of you by blaming it on Erin.

Good luck, you two! hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #57 posted 10/07/09 1:47pm

PinkOrchid

American people are crazy. GD sucks ass these days, too many American folk posting crap
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #58 posted 10/07/09 4:55pm

hokie

PinkOrchid said:

American people are crazy. GD sucks ass these days, too many American folk posting crap



Nice.

You didn't need to post that. confused
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #59 posted 10/08/09 3:03am

prb

avatar

My mum has a key to our place, as she often picks up our son from care.
she always knocks before she enters ( as i do the same at her house)

she was nagging my husband of and on about things (while i wasnt there) til i politely told her (while he was away), it is his house, he can do as he pleases, please respect this.

she has stopped...


Great letter Chris, very heartfelt, you are obviously at your wits end.
Good luck Chris and Erin, i hope things work themselves out, no one needs added unnecessary stress in their lives

hug

besides, nagging is my job. lol
seems that i was busy doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before music beret
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Page 2 of 3 <123>
  New topic   Printable     (Log in to 'subscribe' to this topic)
« Previous topic  Next topic »
Forums > General Discussion > It's long, but please read this....(especially if you have overbearing parents)