Please?

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.


(insert rimshot here)

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

How do U turn a cock in2 a clock?

Put 2 hands and a face on it baby yeah.

Why dont lobsters like to share?


.....


.....

b/c they're shellfish.

nyse said:

Dog's have arms?

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to!... Read More

How many Duran Duran members does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, four to mix the cocktails.

What do you a call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Why did Tigger look into the toilet?
Because he wanted to see pooh!

What did the Dali Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
Make me one with everything.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
222,000. 2,000 to film it, 20,000 to tape it and 200, 000 to follow it around until it either burns out or dies.

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just throw it on the ground and smash it.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put sheet music in front of him.

How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
He drags.



So these 3 nuns are in a terrible car crash. Just it's terrible and when they died, they go to heaven and they're standing in the gate and Peter, "Look I'm gonna have to ask you a question before you enter heaven."

So the first nun comes up and Peter said "don't worry the questions are very easy. He said who was the first woman in the garden of Eden?" The nun says "Eve". He's like "that's correct. Just go on in."

The 2nd nun walks up and Peter asks, "Who is the first man in the garden of Eden?" The nun says, "oh that was Adam." Peter replies, "That's correct go ahead and go on in."

Well then the third nun comes up and that's mother Superior and Peter said, "Now look the question is gonna be a little harder for you." She says, "Fair enough." He said "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" She thinks for a minute, then Mother Superior says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one...." Peter says, "Oh that's correct just go on in!"

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob. The effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I'll tell you a true story!

My son kept saying -Mom! Where is that porno! You know that porno that we see everyday - you know, that porno- At first, I ignored him b/c may-be I didn't hear him right. Then he brought it up again infront of people and I was like - little boy! Where did you get that word from? That's a bad word! He was trying to explain about this 5.0 mustang we see everyday on the road. I was so shamed!

ernestsewell said:

\no they don't but you get the picture

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

ernestsewell said:

The hot dog vendor says, "That'll be $2.50."

The Dali Lama gives him a $5 bill and waits.

Finally, he asks for his change.

The hot dog vendor says, "Change must come from within."