Bohemian67 said:

Family members have tried to address some of her problem behaviour in the past. Without going into detail, what's really needed is for her to see a therapist and work out some of her own emotional and psychological problems. Thing is, she refuses to acknowledge there's anythin wrong with her behaviour.

I won't cut ties with her completely, but once I've paid back the money I think a few walls are going to have to go up.

Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, because it will be in her and your best interest. You also need to protect yourself from being hurt. But don't feel alone, many people have similar troublesome parents. Just look after yourself and make sure you are your own person.

God knows i can relate to your situation!!! my mom loaned me money about 5 years ago when my husband and i were going through a rough time, i mean it was bad, we were trying to get on our feet. so she loaned us money, and she made us feel like crap about it for the last 5 years, even though we paid her back with interest a long time ago! she still throws it in our faces, and acts like we should bow down and worship her for her doing that. i mean she sent us weird letters in the mail, post cards, called our pastor of our church, she threatened to sue us at one point, even though we always were making payments to her on time. i have forgiven her, but it's really hard to forget about it when she mentions it everytime she feels like it! i wish she could understand how badly it makes us feel! but she just doesn't get it. if i ever need help in the future i will ask anyone but her. that's for sure. i love her, but man, i don't need that stress!

kimrachell said:

It sucks that you have to go through that.

My mother gave me the whole speech about how my being broke is obviously a result of moving to another city, (a city, I might point out, that has a comparable cost of living for renters as the one I left) and that I'm short on money deliberately.

I've been getting text messages from her all morning saying I'm cut off and saying the only reason I ever talk to her is to get money out of her -neither of which ar even remotely true. I haven't been answering them, but it's aggravating.

I swear to God and everything that's Holy that I will never, ever speak to my own children this way. I know lots of people want to avoid becoming their parents, but this goes beyond being neurotic about keeping bundled up.

meow85 said:

i'm really sorry you're having to go through this, it's bad enough that you were in a situation that you had to even ask for her help, she doesn't have to treat you like this on top of it!

is it that she needs you to pay her back more than she just wants you know shes glad shes in a position to help out.

meow85 said:

A couple of questions if you don't mind...

1. How old is Mom?
2. Have you had a good relationship otherwise or has it always been tense?

If you have a good relationship, then I would suggest as another poster said, that maybe it's time to set some boundaries. Remind her how much you love and respect her, but let her know firmly and calmly that her accusations are hurtful and that you will stop taking her calls until she's willing to adjust her tone. My Mom was the best friend I ever had, but when I was 27 I had to do something similar and she never crossed that line again. The result was that our relationship became more adult/adult as opposed to adult/child and after the initial hurt feelings, there was more understanding and we grew even closer. Even with that significant transformation, she was still Mom and I was still her baby till the day she died and rightfully so.

I asked how old she is because I'm finding that the older I get, the more I worry over certain things, (damn hot flashes and mood swings notwithstanding). One of my sons has been very self sufficient since he was a teen, with a minimum of assistance. The other one is quite needy and clueless in finding his way and I have to walk a fine line between helping him and harassing him, but I really worry that he'll be lost once I leave this world if he doesn't grow the hell up already. In all honesty, sometimes when I'm feeling resentful and sorry for myself I could swear that his main purpose on this earth is to torment me. When I feel that way, I reach out to someone who can help me cope.

Quite frankly, I'd like to get on with my own life and plans at some point and I'm not getting any younger, so I'm sure that has something to do with my anxiety as well. When you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes frustration sets in and you lash out. I don't know if that's the case with your Mom but it's worth finding out because if anybody on earth is worth a few headaches, it's your mother.

All of that said, a parent should never consent to lend money and then throw it up in your face at every opportunity. The way I handle the money issue is to give instead of lending.

I'm hoping that both of you will come through this just fine eventually...best of luck.

myfavorite said:

It's true that she's not exactly swimming in money, but she's not in dire straits either. If she didn't want to help she should have just refused when I asked, not given me the money then claimed I'm just trying to rob her blind and argued complete nonsense about how and why I'm short on money to begin with.

babynoz said:

I'm 24, she's 54.

Otherwise we do have a reasonably good relationship, but there have been problems. I'd rather not get into what they are in an online forum but I do have a good idea where this issue and others stem from. IMO she needs to see a therapist to deal with some of her problems, but she refuses to acknowledge there's anything inappropriate or unhealthy. Some of her siblings have tried to speak to her about this but she just blows them off.

I'm afraid what you and others have said to do might be the right course of action. Once this money issue is resolved and I've paid her back, I'm going to have to put some distance between us. It's not really my fault I'm broke and I don't enjoy having to ask her or anyone else for money, but she's treating the situation like it was some grand scheme on my part to take her money.

meow85 said:

I understand, no problem.

I stopped talking to my mom for about three months when I felt she had crossed the line and my grandmother was the mediator until things got sorted out. Hopefullly your mom will be willing to listen to some counsel from another person if you break off contact for awhile.

babynoz said:

I hope so. I have an aunt I'm thinking I should fill in on the situation, and see if she can talk to her and let her know what's up if/when it comes to a point I'm not speaking to her for a while.

meow85 said:

A good mediator might make all the difference...good luck.

babynoz said:

Thanks.

I don't really have a plan yet, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.

my mom is a bi polar manic depressant with no money to borrow.

meow85 said:

Oh mah GAWD...YES!!!

I was too lazy to read all the posts, but here's my take...

You're mother is frustrated that you are gonna keep fucking up with your finances.
So she will say stuff to get you to straighten your act up. She doesn't mind helping you, but she's worried. So you are an adult now.... COMFORT HER.

This is how you do that... tell her your plan (if you haven't already ) about reimbursing her. Tell her you do have pride and you don't like having your hand out begging anyboby for shit, so that she doesn't need to express any feeling of shame, and mostly that you will be fine because you have a PLAN for success.

Even if you don't right now, just tell her that. So she can back off and let you grow on your own. Moms that love you have a hard time letting go and trusting their kids to learn from their own mistakes in life.

So, don't let her get to you, she means well, she just doesn't know how to express it. I am sure she is proud of you because I can see by your posts that you have a sharp and brilliant mind.... your mom did good with you.

Remember that, try to understand her, and she will see it in your responses to her and know you are OK.


[Edited 9/27/09 9:59am]

paintedlady said:

I've already told her I don't like asking money from her or anyone else. I've even explicitly told her not to send me any more and let me sort shit out myself, but to no avail.

My situation is the result of having a low-paying job to begin with and having working hours drastically cut by the owners to save themselves some money, then not being able to find a better job for almost 6 months in spite of looking literally every day for one. When I'm only bringing in 100 dollars a week on average, there's nothing can be done to pay bills and rent but to beg money from someone else until the matter improves, and to just go without food some days.

I didn't fuck up my finances, they got fucked up for me. This has nothing to do with me not being able to "straighten my act up". It was pure bad luck, plain and simple.

Obviously no one here is qualified to make any type of judgement on the issue because we didn't grow up in your household and we don't live in your shoes.

But let me throw this at ya;

Parents tend to be very hard on their children sometimes - especially within the mother-daughter and father-son relationship.

We tend to sometimes try to amend our past mistakes with our children.

My dad was very critical of me growing up, which I could never understand when I was the f*cking poster-child of a "good kid". Now that I'm older and have my own 11-year old mini-me, I can see why he did it.

Let me give you an example; I have never been athletic. I was the skinny kid sitting on the sidelines in gym class, the one who always got picked last when teams were being called, the one who always got struck out or tackled first. So when junior got old enough, I enrolled him in soccer. He wasn't good at it and didn't like it, but I forced him to keep going on the field and try to keep up with the other kids. I wasn't doing it to be mean or cruel...I was doing it in the hopes of getting him to be somewhat athletic. Ultimately he hated it so much that we allowed him to drop out. Same thing with Karate. He tried Karate for 2 years, and towards the end he was being browbeat into going because - since I know full well how hard it is to be a short, skinny, smart boy who doesn't know how to throw a punch - I desperately wanted him to know how to defend himself. But in the end, it just wasn't his thing so we let him drop out.

So basically what I'm saying is; sometimes parents can seem cruel when in fact they may have your best intentions at heart. There are no rulebooks, and we make mistakes, but I firmly believe that most moms and dads just want to see their sons and daughters be well-adjusted & successful adults.

Of course that doesn't apply to all parents, and everyone's situation is different (especially when abuse or mental illness comes into play). But I just wanted to throw that out at you anyway. Paintedlady gave you some very solid advice.



Good luck with everything.

If it's normal for parents to do that maybe I should rethink this whole someday having kids idea. I never want to treat someone like that, even accidentally.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm sure I'll think of something.

I think it's always tough w/ family members & money. She might have $ issues of her own that you're unaware of, so she loans the $ b/c she knows she should, then gets antsy about getting it back. It's trippy... while it's wrong for her to hound you about it & take her anger out on your sister, she could just be stressed out & fearful about her own future & yours (the ability to stay afloat). I say keep the conversations @ a minimum for now, get her paid back asap (without messing yourself up), & hope she mellows out when it's all done.

I loaned a family member $ not too long ago thinking I could afford to, then I found out I really had NO business doing it, but it was already done I knew I was freaking out & angry w/ myself for making the decision despite still wanting to help, so I became pretty distant from that family member for a few months until I could talk to them without the $ being @ the front of my mind all the time. & when my situation improved & I wasn't in dire straights, our relationship went back to normal again (though I still find myself monitoring their spending in my head since repayment hasn't begun yet ). The scary thing is not getting it back, which often happens w/ family. & this is not a dig @ you, just a viewpoint people often have - when someone is bad w/ their finances, it's often a problem that recurs @ some point b/c the $ isn't the root of the problem.

meow85 said:

What you say is true you didn't mess up, life is just hard on you right now, but check it... your mom sees it as YOU messing up because of the choices that led to you inability to make more money. Not fair, but I'd bet that's how she sees it. So I should have said she's worried that you will struggle because of your choices that led to where you are. Yes, you are doing the best you can, and she shouldn't expect more, but she does, because she doesn't want to see you living in a tough situation. I don't know why she doesn't realize that most college students always struggle the way you do, its sort of the norm. When she feels like she doesn't have to worry, she'll back off. Calhoun and Purple Jedi are right on point. Keep your head up I know what you are going through.

First, for your financial situation.

Second, my advice to you is to go to a library and check out



Don't let the title mislead you. For me, this is the ultimate guide in dealing with people. Period. I used it in my clinical practice. I used it to "save" and still use it to sustain my marriage. I use it DAILY when interacting with my own mother, who irks the shit out of me. I use it when dealing with folks at my job. This is not a "...For Dummies" book, so if you get it please starts at the beginning. Hope this helps.

xlr8r said:

Back in 1993 dad lent me money to cover my first rent and bond at an apartment I needed to live near my first job. I was paying him in installments according to a schedule. I needed to buy a computer, so I asked my dad if I could suspend payments to him for a little while, thinking he would understand that having my own home studio would help me generate extra income. He refused! I ended up borrowing the money from my newish boyfriend's band kitty (who saw it as an investment, since I was doing all their promo stuff for them) to pay my dad back in full to be done with him (we didn't speak for 6 months after that - and during that time I managed to pay off ALL the money including for the computer).

To me it was hurtful for him to have such little faith in me!

<--everyone.

I don't know what to say. I don't think it's all about the loan.

Personally, I never loan anybody anything unless I'm prepared for the possibility that I may not get it back. If I do get a loan repaid, I see it as a bonus.
[Edited 9/28/09 3:41am]

Adisa said:

I need that myself!

I feel for you meow Even though my mother isn't so bad (she plays the "I lent you money, now I own you" card instead) I HATE asking to borrow anything and thankfully I haven't had to too often.

Pay her back, tell her how she made you feel and then distance yourself...I know she's your mother, and you only get one, blah blah blah, but she only gets one you as well. Maybe she needs to grow to appreciate you a bit more.

Never borrow or lend money to family members if there is any other option Nothing causes more problems than borrowed money.

My son has borrowed money from me several times. He still owes me about $3,000 from a couple of years ago. I don't say shit about it anymore, he knows he owes it to me, has never made any attempt to pay it back, even though I know he got over $10,000 back on his taxes last year. But sometimes you just have to write things off as a loss and learn a lesson the hard way.