I just got back from a wedding reception. It was awesome, and everyone had a fun time... except, as is typical, me. In one sense, I love events like this: I genuinely get a thrill out of seeing other folk having the time of their lives. But I've always been WAAAY too shy to get up and dance, schmooze with strangers or sometimes even just walk across the big, open room to get a drink or go to the bathroom. I want to be looser -- and I'm practiced enough to put on a fairly convincing air of comfort -- but I just entirely shrink.

My problem is probably downright diagnosable, but I've had 37 years to get used to it. What killed me tonight, though, is that my daughter was totally eyeing the dance floor all night... even had the spine to walk up to its edge a few times... but she was too shy to get out there. My in-laws offered to dance with her. My wife did. Hell, even I did after a while. But she refused us all. Toward the end of the party, my mother-in-law coaxed my daughter to dance in a quiet corner of the room. She learned a few line dances, and she had a BALL... just the two of them! We're back at my in-laws' house, and she's in the living room right now still dancing, laughing, etc.

It's great to see her having fun now. (And I'm hoping this'll help build her confidence for future events.) But it breaks my heart that my daughter may have gotten this shyness from me -- either by virtue of nature or nurture. I'm hoping I can gradually address my own problem at least well enough to encourage her to get out there and have fun, 'cause this just sucks.

Do any of you guys have similar issues? Or more generally, are there undesirable traits, attitudes, fears, etc. that you are challenged not to pass onto your kids or any kids over whom you have some influence?
[Edited 9/5/09 22:39pm]

I think my parents had a lot to do with how shy I was as a child. Conversations were fine: I spoke when I was spoken to, and tried to never act out of line. When it came to such functions as wedding receptions and the likes, I, too, would never go and dance, as much as I craved it - and it was because my parents had a knack for shining the spotlight on me only at times where I wanted to be unseen, to blend in. "OOooh! Look at Sam! HAHAHA" Always laughing at - at least, I never felt they were laughing with me, because I certainly was not laughing.
Coupled with some horrible self esteem issues, I never really got to break out of my shell until I got out of my parent's house. I came back home eventually, as a new person, someone that my parents are still having a hard time dealing with. In fact - I'm feeling like I'm slowly getting shoved back in that shell now that I am home... They are both very overbearing people, and believe that their way is THE way - which I felt contributed a great deal to how I acted as a kid.
Encourage your daughter to get out there, just don't make an epic of it
She'll appreciate it, hell, sounds like she does already
I can relate, for different reasons of course, but still
[Edited 9/5/09 22:24pm]

Lammastide said:

Your daughter sounds just like me
I'm really shy too, and I hated it growing up. I've been in the exact same situation (eyeing the dance floor, desperately wanting to joint the fun, but being paralyzed by fear)...

I'm just now, becoming comfortable enough with myself to do things that I always felt horrible doing most of my life dancing in public, or making small-talk with a stranger

My advice is similar to Sammi's. Encourage her to have more confidence, and self-esteem, but DON'T FORCE her out of her shell...She'll come out on her own time, in her own way

sammij said:

This better explains your recent episodes in sex shops with strange American men who flash. You little rebel, you!!

Good advice. I do try to avoid making a huge scene out of everything my daughter does. I've had it done to me a few times, and that spotlight can be crushing.
[Edited 9/5/09 22:47pm]

Sometimes I think young people begin to be less shy when they start distancing themselves from their parents (read: safety net) a bit.

I know as I got older and had to do more stuff for myself and was less shadowed by my mother, I really became more at ease with myself...Only problem is now when I spend time with my mother I feel like I'm being shoved back into my old persona and it can feel really frustrating, and cause tension between us

Lammastide said:

It can be crushing, because timing is everything, and she'll definitely cue spotlight when need be
As long as she knows you're rooting for her, she'll come out on her own accord

thekidsgirl said:

That is precisely what I'm going through now too
my outspoken-ness is looked down upon almost always, and my points of view are now seen as radical and outlandish.
The tension will ease up eventually - or so I've been told.

thekidsgirl said:

This is interesting... and apparently somewhat common. Though I still obviously have certain social anxieties, I definitely gained more audacity away from my parents.

Funny thing is, there's no science where my daughter is concerned. She does things I'd have sooner died than attempt, like performing (well) in two annual lip synch shows at her school... in front of hundreds of people! But today she was sooo shy. And I even noticed that when she was dancing in the living room, she seemed timid that I might see her... and it wasn't like she was doing a pole dance!

Perhaps I should relax and let her move at her own speed. I'll not force anything. I just hate to think she'd end up a wallflower like me... and that I'd be in some part responsible.



...I reckon I'm just freaking out over my own crap; not hers.
[Edited 9/5/09 23:39pm]

you want to argue? start one with me! I don't back down! and neither do my kids :nuts"

ZombieKitten said:

That's not a problem. You're raising a crew of amazing lawyers!

Lammastide said:

I stoop to their level every time, I can't keep my mouth shut!!!! I drive the master insane

thekidsgirl said:

Wow that kinda hit home.

I feel like such a fraud whenever I'm around my parents and I hate this feeling so much, because I do things/conform into a certain behaviour whenever I'm around them, to please them I guess.

This may sound like a cliche,,,,but even at the age of 27, I still feel small and timid whenever I'm around them, its so pitiful

As for Lammastide's question.

I wish they don't become as aloof as me. I've always adopted this "love people from a distance" attitude(a defence mechanism if you will), which is cool and practical with some people, but there're alot of other people who interpret it negatively and get hurt by it.

I've been in the centre of scrutiny eversince I was a child, I thought "Stuck up" was my middle name and many times I got into physical fights because of it,,,,,of course, I'm also used to the shock afterwards when people discover that their assumptions about me were false all along.

I'd probably have to shoot myself if my children would turn out anything like me.

I only wish my nephew had shyness to contend with.

From my sister's side he's got bad temper, bipolar, ADHD, anxiety, and addictive behaviors.

From his father's side he's got a tendency to lie, not take responsibility for his own actions, lack of basic common sense, and sociopathic criminal tendencies (plus probable ADHD and bipolar).

When 90% of your male relatives have been to jail, that could be a problem.

On the plus, he has a genius IQ and an outgoing personality, but for the most part he is a genetic mess. He's 8 now but was very clear to see when he was very young that he would have many problems, and he does struggle

And then life decided to shit on him too and take his parents.

The sad thing for me to watch is that he could be a great person but he doesn't now how to help himself work through everything. I do have him on meds for ADHD and he does see a psychiatrist. And lots of prayer!

Lammastide said:

I think that the difference here is that it's in front of family rather than in front of a room of strangers
At least, that's how I felt in regards to doing recitals at a young age, versus playing in front of family

I would like to know why I was and still am always the first one to start dancing, even when the floor is empty.

I was always the first one to start dancing at junior high and high school dances. Of course, everyone joined in after.

As recently as this summer I went to a wedding reception where no one was dancing but I just had to get out there and enjoy myself.

Plus I could never resist certain songs!

Harlepolis said:

Kindred spirit
I love being around my parents, but I am NOT a fan of living at home. I'm not me anymore.

BklynBabe said:

Holy shit.

Thank God he has you.

The only thing we have to fear is the ‘culture of fear’ itself.

To overcome this fear you have to enter into the dance floor and dance.

a practical tip. don't look to other people directly, but just above their heads.
You will not see them so there's a less chance of the feeling being watched.

And don't tell to yourself: i cannot dance, everybody can dance.

Dancing is just like standing still, only faster.

LeCram said:

I used to be mortified of things like speaking to more than one person at a time. I don't mind it at all any more, since I noticed people actually seem interested in what I say!

sammij said:

That makes 3 of us!

ZombieKitten said:

Next step is to

LeCram said:

I'm not embarrassed to dance actually - I don't care much what people think I feel sorry for anyone dancing with me though, since I am not very good

My father's shy and so am I. He had to overcome it in his career (presentations, meeting clients etc.) but I haven't really been forced to deal with my shyness. I'm actually fine in most situations, but don't like surprises.

Unfortunately, I'm never truly came out of my shell which is why I put my kids in theater group when they were young to prevent that type of shyness in them. Though I do see some of my "reserved" traits in them, I think the years in the group averted a lot of issues for them that I now struggle with to this day. They're not extremely outgoing but they don't really shrink away from things either, though they each approach things differently they definitely have no problem asserting themselves when need be. It's kind of interesting actually.

LeCram said:

Know what's crazy? I actually can dance! I dance at home all the time... and the two (like literally two) times that I've danced in public, I've had people -- guys and girls -- want to dance with me. It takes me like 18 hours to snap out of the fugue of having done it , but I guess I do it at least fairly well.
[Edited 9/6/09 21:34pm]

BklynBabe said:

Wow. I too am glad that he has you. I'd not wish those challenges on a person, but with the proper support from folk who don't think a person is doomed to their biological predispositions, those challenges could become the building blocks to incredible character.

I wish you both the best.