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In Social situations, Do U Respond correctly with Obligatory comments on que? OK.
A buddy of mine who'm I have not seen in at least 10 years finds me on facebook. Out of boredom or just plain curiosity we end up talking on skype. I asked how his sister was doing, and he gave me news of her death, which had occurred less than 2 years ago. I responded with, "I....I..... I'm really sorry to hear that.", but it was an awkward reply...almost sounding sarcastic. He obviously was used to the response and was able to move forward to more pleasant things after a short explanation, which I won't bother getting into. But suffice it to say, I stumbled a bit afterwords feeling that I should have sounded more...sincere. Do any of you respond awkwardly to certain social situations which require a certain type of obligatory response? | |
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actually I'm more likely to cry or something, which usually embarrasses the other party, especially if they have dealt with it.  | |
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Yeah, when it comes to death, my response is usually quite awkward because of my inability to gloss it up when needed most. It's so hard to hide what you feel when you're feeling it HARD. This is a shitty comparison to your situation, of course. An ex-neighbor of mine passed away over a year ago from a rare cancer (she was 17). Her battle was well-known locally, and I was best friends with her cousin when we were kids. Her dad, whom I hadn't seen since the funeral (and before that, at least a decade), passed me on his way out of the local drugstore when I was walking in. I saw him and no words could even come out of my mouth. Here it's been, a year and a half and God knows how often he's shed tears over her passing. It was incredibly selfish of me, but all I could do was hug him and cry like a baby like I did at the funeral. What can you really say? I know that any words I'd conjure would sound ridiculous and limited compared to the loss he experienced.
It was entirely inappropriate: he could have been having his first decent day in months and there I went and mucked it all up. But we cried together for a while. I know I should have handled that much better. Don't be hard on yourself. I guarantee the guy you spoke with didn't hold it against you. He's got to hear those same sympathy lines every time it comes up. Oh shit, my hat done fell off | |
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INSATIABLE said: Yeah, when it comes to death, my response is usually quite awkward because of my inability to gloss it up when needed most. It's so hard to hide what you feel when you're feeling it HARD. This is a shitty comparison to your situation, of course. An ex-neighbor of mine passed away over a year ago from a rare cancer (she was 17). Her battle was well-known locally, and I was best friends with her cousin when we were kids. Her dad, whom I hadn't seen since the funeral (and before that, at least a decade), passed me on his way out of the local drugstore when I was walking in. I saw him and no words could even come out of my mouth. Here it's been, a year and a half and God knows how often he's shed tears over her passing. It was incredibly selfish of me, but all I could do was hug him and cry like a baby like I did at the funeral. What can you really say? I know that any words I'd conjure would sound ridiculous and limited compared to the loss he experienced.
It was entirely inappropriate: he could have been having his first decent day in months and there I went and mucked it all up. But we cried together for a while. I know I should have handled that much better. Don't be hard on yourself. I guarantee the guy you spoke with didn't hold it against you. He's got to hear those same sympathy lines every time it comes up. don't be so hard on yourself, I've done exactly the same over the front fence with the widow next door. She ended up comforting ME, I know we feel stupid, but we can't help it! I'm sure they appreciate that at least we feel it. | |
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ZombieKitten said: INSATIABLE said: Yeah, when it comes to death, my response is usually quite awkward because of my inability to gloss it up when needed most. It's so hard to hide what you feel when you're feeling it HARD. This is a shitty comparison to your situation, of course. An ex-neighbor of mine passed away over a year ago from a rare cancer (she was 17). Her battle was well-known locally, and I was best friends with her cousin when we were kids. Her dad, whom I hadn't seen since the funeral (and before that, at least a decade), passed me on his way out of the local drugstore when I was walking in. I saw him and no words could even come out of my mouth. Here it's been, a year and a half and God knows how often he's shed tears over her passing. It was incredibly selfish of me, but all I could do was hug him and cry like a baby like I did at the funeral. What can you really say? I know that any words I'd conjure would sound ridiculous and limited compared to the loss he experienced.
It was entirely inappropriate: he could have been having his first decent day in months and there I went and mucked it all up. But we cried together for a while. I know I should have handled that much better. Don't be hard on yourself. I guarantee the guy you spoke with didn't hold it against you. He's got to hear those same sympathy lines every time it comes up. don't be so hard on yourself, I've done exactly the same over the front fence with the widow next door. She ended up comforting ME, I know we feel stupid, but we can't help it! I'm sure they appreciate that at least we feel it. Yeah. I hope so.  Guess there's no right way to do anything.Oh shit, my hat done fell off | |
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INSATIABLE said: Yeah, when it comes to death, my response is usually quite awkward because of my inability to gloss it up when needed most. It's so hard to hide what you feel when you're feeling it HARD. This is a shitty comparison to your situation, of course. An ex-neighbor of mine passed away over a year ago from a rare cancer (she was 17). Her battle was well-known locally, and I was best friends with her cousin when we were kids. Her dad, whom I hadn't seen since the funeral (and before that, at least a decade), passed me on his way out of the local drugstore when I was walking in. I saw him and no words could even come out of my mouth. Here it's been, a year and a half and God knows how often he's shed tears over her passing. It was incredibly selfish of me, but all I could do was hug him and cry like a baby like I did at the funeral. What can you really say? I know that any words I'd conjure would sound ridiculous and limited compared to the loss he experienced.
It was entirely inappropriate: he could have been having his first decent day in months and there I went and mucked it all up. But we cried together for a while. I know I should have handled that much better. Don't be hard on yourself. I guarantee the guy you spoke with didn't hold it against you. He's got to hear those same sympathy lines every time it comes up. Oh I know he wouldn't hold it against me. It's just that when we were friends, we were really close once. So we pick up on each others "ques" and I didn't want him thinking that I wasn't interested, etc. etc. Plus I knew this girl too. I mean, it was just really awkward. An ex boss of mine once broke down crying in front of me at his desk in Houston. I was just making polite conversation and asking how everything was going. He had just had a yearly review from his boss that morning, which didn't go well at all. And the previous month, his brother fatally shot himself. His mother had died less than a year before then. Also, pootly insured piece house owned by his sister-in-law burned down the previous week causing major stress on the entire family. Anyways, this was all unbeknownst to me when I asked, "Hey [his name], how ya doin?" When he responded, "not so well", I was stunned at the answer and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. 15 minutes later, I had this man I only knew as my boss crying in front of me and I was unable to to say anything....ANYTHING to comfort him. | |
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Imago said: INSATIABLE said: Yeah, when it comes to death, my response is usually quite awkward because of my inability to gloss it up when needed most. It's so hard to hide what you feel when you're feeling it HARD. This is a shitty comparison to your situation, of course. An ex-neighbor of mine passed away over a year ago from a rare cancer (she was 17). Her battle was well-known locally, and I was best friends with her cousin when we were kids. Her dad, whom I hadn't seen since the funeral (and before that, at least a decade), passed me on his way out of the local drugstore when I was walking in. I saw him and no words could even come out of my mouth. Here it's been, a year and a half and God knows how often he's shed tears over her passing. It was incredibly selfish of me, but all I could do was hug him and cry like a baby like I did at the funeral. What can you really say? I know that any words I'd conjure would sound ridiculous and limited compared to the loss he experienced.
It was entirely inappropriate: he could have been having his first decent day in months and there I went and mucked it all up. But we cried together for a while. I know I should have handled that much better. Don't be hard on yourself. I guarantee the guy you spoke with didn't hold it against you. He's got to hear those same sympathy lines every time it comes up. Oh I know he wouldn't hold it against me. It's just that when we were friends, we were really close once. So we pick up on each others "ques" and I didn't want him thinking that I wasn't interested, etc. etc. Plus I knew this girl too. I mean, it was just really awkward. An ex boss of mine once broke down crying in front of me at his desk in Houston. I was just making polite conversation and asking how everything was going. He had just had a yearly review from his boss that morning, which didn't go well at all. And the previous month, his brother fatally shot himself. His mother had died less than a year before then. Also, pootly insured piece house owned by his sister-in-law burned down the previous week causing major stress on the entire family. Anyways, this was all unbeknownst to me when I asked, "Hey [his name], how ya doin?" When he responded, "not so well", I was stunned at the answer and asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about. 15 minutes later, I had this man I only knew as my boss crying in front of me and I was unable to to say anything....ANYTHING to comfort him. UGH. Yeah, there's no way to come out of that dialogue feeling like you've been supportive enough. Fucking life and its endless pain.  Oh shit, my hat done fell off | |
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oh, and
Imago said: pootly
 Oh shit, my hat done fell off | |
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..., [Edited 7/26/09 18:06pm] | |
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INSATIABLE said: oh, and
Imago said: pootly
 | |
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I always feel like an ass in those situations. Cause I know whatever I say, it's not "enough" somehow. |
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So I went back to my hometown this past week and ran into one of my elementary school teachers who said she lost her mom last month, which was news.
I *was* sorry to hear that because I saw the pained/shocked look on her face when she told me. But I didn't know what to express beyond that, so the conversation grew to a lull.  | |
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I remember this one time, I kind of fell apart in front of a female friend of mine.
This friend of mine have had a flirtatious friendship for several years, until she was promoted to a moderator of a music fansite and it consumed much of her time. She used to throw these yearly parties with other fan members in her hometown, and I was once invited to attend and actually got to stay at her place, which was just lovely. Anyways, she didn't invite me last year, and I stayed relatively quiet about it until recently, when I finally told her about a dream that I've been having about her and I. In this dream, we're being chased by wild animals on a train. I believe the train represented the speed with which our friendship was deteriorating, and the wild animals represented her new moderator powers and how they were eating away at our closeness. I describe this dream to her and she more or less laughed about it, awkwardly trying to downplay the significance of the emotional larceny unfolding before the two of us. I....was left bereft of the connection I saught. She could have tired harder. | |
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Imago said: I remember this one time, I kind of fell apart in front of a female friend of mine.
This friend of mine have had a flirtatious friendship for several years, until she was promoted to a moderator of a music fansite and it consumed much of her time. She used to throw these yearly parties with other fan members in her hometown, and I was once invited to attend and actually got to stay at her place, which was just lovely. Anyways, she didn't invite me last year, and I stayed relatively quiet about it until recently, when I finally told her about a dream that I've been having about her and I. In this dream, we're being chased by wild animals on a train. I believe the train represented the speed with which our friendship was deteriorating, and the wild animals represented her new moderator powers and how they were eating away at our closeness. I describe this dream to her and she more or less laughed about it, awkwardly trying to downplay the significance of the emotional larceny unfolding before the two of us. I....was left bereft of the connection I saught. She could have tired harder.  | |
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No one replies appropriately to unexpected news of someone's death - because there is no really good response.
I think most people feel sincerely sorry in such situations, but they're so worried that they might make the other person might feel bad...or cry...or whatever, that they just kind of fumble around.  We don’t mourn artists because we knew them. We mourn them because they helped us know ourselves. | |
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Cinnie said: Imago said: I remember this one time, I kind of fell apart in front of a female friend of mine.
This friend of mine have had a flirtatious friendship for several years, until she was promoted to a moderator of a music fansite and it consumed much of her time. She used to throw these yearly parties with other fan members in her hometown, and I was once invited to attend and actually got to stay at her place, which was just lovely. Anyways, she didn't invite me last year, and I stayed relatively quiet about it until recently, when I finally told her about a dream that I've been having about her and I. In this dream, we're being chased by wild animals on a train. I believe the train represented the speed with which our friendship was deteriorating, and the wild animals represented her new moderator powers and how they were eating away at our closeness. I describe this dream to her and she more or less laughed about it, awkwardly trying to downplay the significance of the emotional larceny unfolding before the two of us. I....was left bereft of the connection I saught. She could have tired harder. You posted it for me! |
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Imago said: I remember this one time, I kind of fell apart in front of a female friend of mine.
This friend of mine have had a flirtatious friendship for several years, until she was promoted to a moderator of a music fansite and it consumed much of her time. She used to throw these yearly parties with other fan members in her hometown, and I was once invited to attend and actually got to stay at her place, which was just lovely. Anyways, she didn't invite me last year, and I stayed relatively quiet about it until recently, when I finally told her about a dream that I've been having about her and I. In this dream, we're being chased by wild animals on a train. I believe the train represented the speed with which our friendship was deteriorating, and the wild animals represented her new moderator powers and how they were eating away at our closeness. I describe this dream to her and she more or less laughed about it, awkwardly trying to downplay the significance of the emotional larceny unfolding before the two of us. I....was left bereft of the connection I saught. She could have tired harder. Dan, you have an open invitation. Come and visit any time. Perhaps after my new place is ready you and Karen can both come and visit again. Unless you're still in Thailand, in which case I'm visiting you. But either way, you're still sleeping on the couch. |
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i knew dans ass wasn't gay!  .. THE B EST BE YOURSELF AS LONG AS YOUR SELF ISNT A DYCK[/r]
**....Someti | |
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Genesia said: No one replies appropriately to unexpected news of someone's death - because there is no really good response.
I think most people feel sincerely sorry in such situations, but they're so worried that they might make the other person might feel bad...or cry...or whatever, that they just kind of fumble around. I've come to the conclusion that a mourning person is gonna cry at the drop of a hat, and that just can't be helped. I don't think anything you say will change anything except letting them know you are there offering your love and support. A big hug is usually appropriate and crying on each other's shoulders for a long time (if it's a close friend) feels OK to do. | |
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Imago said: In Social situations, Do U Respond correctly with Obligatory comments on que?
what the heck happened to my jeans? | |
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Dan, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry.
I sure hope you don't pull one of your patented, "... and none of this was true..." routines. Because that would suck. | |
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CarrieMpls said: I always feel like an ass in those situations. Cause I know whatever I say, it's not "enough" somehow.
same here. either i feel like i'm not saying enough, or i feel like i'm saying something really presumptuous and out of line. when i was on the receiving end of a lot of awkward on-the-spot verbal condolences, the thing i hated hearing most was "i'm sorry". i kept wanting to say "but it's not your fault!" but i just kinda would say thank you and move on. [Edited 8/10/09 18:13pm] | |
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ThreadBare said: Dan, my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry.
I sure hope you don't pull one of your patented, "... and none of this was true..." routines. Because that would suck.
OMG , totally support my 3121 music review in the M&M form  | |
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I was just thinking about this today after a conversation with an older acquaintance whose intelligence and easy articulation I really admire.
I dunno if it's because I spend so much time communicating online (i.e. in semi-prepared statements) these days, but I've almost lost any sense of reparté. I either offer really glib auto replies or I have to spend literally 5 or so seconds in silence, grimacing and looking like this:  or  to process what I want to say.
I must come off as gradually stupider, senile or high on something.  Ὅσον ζῇς φαίνου
μηδὲν ὅλως σὺ λυποῦ πρὸς ὀλίγον ἐστὶ τὸ ζῆν τὸ τέλος ὁ χρόνος ἀπαιτεῖ.” | |
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Lammastide said: I was just thinking about this today after a conversation with an older acquaintance whose intelligence and easy articulation I really admire.
I dunno if it's because I spend so much time communicating online (i.e. in semi-prepared statements) these days, but I've almost lost any sense of reparté. I either offer really glib auto replies or I have to spend literally 5 or so seconds in silence, grimacing and looking like this: or to process what I want to say.
I must come off as gradually stupider, senile or high on something.  I'm so sorry | |
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Not so much anymore. I'm nodding and keeping quiet or saying whatever the first thing that comes into my head is.
I'm trying to drop the whole humouring, auto-pilot, apathetic convo thing. It's not easy! | |
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Fauxie said: Not so much anymore. I'm nodding and keeping quiet or saying whatever the first thing that comes into my head is.
I'm trying to drop the whole humouring, auto-pilot, apathetic convo thing. It's not easy! You're english. It's impossible | |
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ZombieKitten said: Lammastide said: I was just thinking about this today after a conversation with an older acquaintance whose intelligence and easy articulation I really admire.
I dunno if it's because I spend so much time communicating online (i.e. in semi-prepared statements) these days, but I've almost lost any sense of reparté. I either offer really glib auto replies or I have to spend literally 5 or so seconds in silence, grimacing and looking like this: or to process what I want to say.
I must come off as gradually stupider, senile or high on something. I'm so sorryὍσον ζῇς φαίνου
μηδὲν ὅλως σὺ λυποῦ πρὸς ὀλίγον ἐστὶ τὸ ζῆν τὸ τέλος ὁ χρόνος ἀπαιτεῖ.” | |
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Imago said: Fauxie said: Not so much anymore. I'm nodding and keeping quiet or saying whatever the first thing that comes into my head is.
I'm trying to drop the whole humouring, auto-pilot, apathetic convo thing. It's not easy! You're english. It's impossible I fear you may be right. Also, keeping up the stock responses and all that makes you an outwardly nicer person. People think you're nice when they can't see your brain inside your head wandering off and amusing itself at their expense or taking interest in something far, far away from their conversation.
What if you really have nothing to say in response to someone, don't feel you can add anything, or simply don't want to say anything? Must you still respond, I mean, really? Is nodding ok? | |
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Fauxie said: Imago said: You're english. It's impossible I fear you may be right. Also, keeping up the stock responses and all that makes you an outwardly nicer person. People think you're nice when they can't see your brain inside your head wandering off and amusing itself at their expense or taking interest in something far, far away from their conversation.
What if you really have nothing to say in response to someone, don't feel you can add anything, or simply don't want to say anything? Must you still respond, I mean, really? Is nodding ok? I was once scolded by an older friend (seems I have lots of older friends ) for doing just that. He paused mid-story and directly told me to stop nodding and reflexively approving everything he said.  He suggested on the one hand it's rude to imply one's statements need your approval; and on the other hand if you don't approve -- or have any real response, or even remotely care -- you don't owe it to anyone.
 I still don't know he was wise or just evil deep down. I feel so rude if I just stare blankly at a person speaking.[Edited 8/10/09 19:30pm] Ὅσον ζῇς φαίνου
μηδὲν ὅλως σὺ λυποῦ πρὸς ὀλίγον ἐστὶ τὸ ζῆν τὸ τέλος ὁ χρόνος ἀπαιτεῖ.” | |
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