What can be done with some one who always turns the conversation back on themselves and cries woe is me. Like a bucket with holes in it. Whatever you put into it ,it always runs empty in a hurry.

I'm a bit like this. I can't ever seem to get out of the rut I'm in. I don't know what it is that makes me behave in this way. I repeat the same mistakes over and over.

Do you think I should get professional help?

TheBahtMaster said:

Realise that u r getting something out of the relationship with someone like this. Do u get to feel superior to them or something?

ConsciousContact said:

the trick is in separating oneself without victimizing them further!

ConsciousContact said:

No its just very tiring and in the end you start loosing compassion because you know its a waste of time and energy. You can brighten their day and then tomorrow you back to the same old thing. mind you these sort of people often find fault in others all the time and seem to delight in putting others down so that they can bring the attention back to themselves saying i'm not like that

mcmeekle said:

no; for me you accept that you are is like this already a cure, in case you want to change that way of being; were you better in another way, or do you have benefits being in that way? seeks friends, a camera, drinks some glasses, but no, I think clinical helps a lot of times don't advance anything... you seem be in your conscious road

TheBahtMaster said:

I could write a novel on this.

Actually, come to think of it. I am writing a novel that touches on this.

Imago said:

Memoirs of An Orger....Imago's story

TheBahtMaster said:

I think we are all a little like this; but when it is too much can be hard to live with somebody for close with behaviors always same; because you don't surprise him and seedlings something in the way as it seems accept attitudes of these?

maybe be too much autónoma and he try more compulsive and repetitive behaviors, he is more insecure;tries to tell him that you need help; we cannot always be strong, or better, forts! lets him have space to feel his force and to help you; convinces him that maybe helping the other him feels better and no victim; does he understand what the value of the change is? or is it already even closed in him own? and are you,you hare capable to understand your weaknesses and to ask him a piece of advice?
PANDURITO translation please
[Edited 8/3/09 16:14pm]

i have been like this before--we all get caught up with stuff, and after a while it seems life just keeps dumping. Perhaps all it will take is a friend like you to help your friend see some good, or just realize what s/he is doing....

I had an online friend I met about 10 years ago on another Prince website
anyways we were very close but, I eventually had to let the friendship go. I was always pulling this girl out of her negativity, everything was always half empty and overwhelming. She never saw the good in anything, or atleast until I would point it out to her. It was very hard on me to keep up, she would bring me down after awhile. Sadly but for my own good, I just stopped being available and after awhile she took a hint.

My mom is like that. I've had to deal with her my entire life, so I lean in the opposite way so as not to enable whiners. Some people think I'm unsympathetic. I tend to gravitate toward "can-do" types and AWAY from the "can't-do" types.

heartbeatocean said:

disarming people like this is difficult. I had a situation where someone I know would get caught up in their morning coffee. They would complain that they are literally dying becuase of the hunger but it would be a 3 hour journey to make that goddamn coffee. Not because it really took 3 hours but because of the hurdles this person allowed to be in front of them, mainly from not taking charge of the situation and allowing other people to be in the way.

The solution? I buy a cup of coffee to go with the meal. The coffee is seen as a gift, so I have not confronted this person and they don't feel resentment and the 3 HOUR BULLSHIT ISSUES IS SOLVED!.

You just gotta find a way to help them. It's tricky but I think in most cases it can be done.

heartbeatocean said:

I'm with you on this its hard to know what mood you will catch them in the next time you talk to them. Mind you they can at times be a lot of fun and the life of the party as long as its about them. They also tend to be perfectionist

TheBahtMaster said:

Wow, that describes my mom perfectly.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You are kind and generous. I think I got to feeling so incredibly raw and worn down by my mom, that I don't have much room for that behavior. I have come a long way though. In my youth, I became so exhausted by her, I pretty much began to shun humanity, as I felt everyone needed something from me. It didn't help that the people I was attracting into my life were spinoffs of her, very needy people also. Thankfully, I have separated myself enough to feel my own thoughts, develop healthy relationships, and actually enjoy people.

TheBahtMaster said:

The other quality I would add is, not only are they perfectionist, but they tend to have very unrealistic expectations about how the world works and should work. Not seeing things realistically and not accepting reality, tends to create a person who feels they are always walking into a violent wind, never getting anywhere. At the root of this is a lack of self-acceptance.

heartbeatocean said:

Well you certainly have a good grip on the subject and are wise beyond your years.
I like the idea of a cup of coffee or something extra to divert the attention and make them happy if only for a short period of time. Otherwise they suck you dry

If it's not diverting the topic and overly intrusive, I would be curious to know how you went about to make this transition. My mum is very much like your description of yours [mine is the authoritarian type], which can sap your spirits and energy. Did you go for counseling, or did this all by yourself, gradually? or?..

heartbeatocean said:

Flo6 said:

I think you have done the right thing by getting on with your life and developing healthy relationships. That's what its all about

bluesbaby said:

Yeah mon

Oh god, no. I could never have done that all by myself. I had counseling, and became deeply involved with a spiritual community which gave me a new family to identify with, where I learned detachment, and also how to control the mind. This with years of meditation which had the effects of neutralizing much of my karma. But my counselor was a big help. She showed me that it was okay not to buy into my mother's game. Unfortunately, I had to distance myself from her for several years in my twenties, with almost no contact. And now, in my forties, I adhere to a steady program of self-development, pursuing my dreams wholeheartedly, not holding myself back, and living the life I want to live to the best of my ability, guilt free. My relationship with my mom has vastly improved, but it's fickle. I enjoy it when it's there, but I cannot depend on it. But my life is quite full now, and it's not really an issue anymore. But it's a long story. I'm happy to answer other questions if you have them.

Flo6 said:

Thank you for sharing heartbeatocean, it's wonderful that you had the wisdom and courage to work on this and take responsibility for your own happiness. Plus, it's very motivating and inspiring, it's a great model for other people I think - and for myself.

heartbeatocean said:

Flo6 said:

Yeh you have to remain strong and have a clear healthy attitude of self