Let me ask this. If you know of a family member who was much happier single than they are now in their marriage, do you give them advice on how to make themselves happy again (like leaving the relationship) or do you stay out of it? I mean it could be a close family member, every time you see them they look stressed out to no end, they are always complaining about not only their marriage but other things in their life too. And what if they are suffering from severe migraines at least twice a week from all of this too? Do you still keep quiet?

Well of course I ask because I have a family member that use to smile most of the time, but ever since she was pushing to get married to this no good husband of hers, she's been miserable. He talks to her like she is stupid not only in public but in front of the family during family functions. Then she complained that she wanted a baby, so she got that too, and she still isn't happy. When she would complain to me at first, I would just listen since she was venting, but then when it turned into an every week sort of a thing, I started blirting out, "it's what you wanted, either handle it or get out of it!!!" So ever since then, she really doesn't come to me with her issues, but she goes to everybody else in the family about them. Now that I'm in a happy relationship with a man who treats me like a queen, she makes remarks here and there about me and my boyfriend like "ya'll can do that because ya'll aren't married with kids, it must be nice". Or, "what are yall doing this weekend? I bet its something more exciting than staying in the house with kids and trying to clean up". I mean is all of this really needed to be said? I just don't know.

I'd give my advice once and keep it moving.

Sounds like having kids wasn't all that she hoped it would be. Since they have a no return policy on them then she's going to have to learn and deal. So is life, and being an adult. Sad for the kids though, they're forced to deal with whatever and they didn't ask to be here.

All you can do is let her know you'll be there no matter what she decides, and keep rolling.

Sounds like she wishes she was in your position.

I would tell her to get out of the relationship because it is making them miserable and is bringing a downer on all her other relationships, because she talks about nothing else. Maybe then she will regain some of her happiness. Of course there will always be some regrets.

My family members are happily married, we are a dying breed. My oldest sister has been married 35 years, next oldest sister married 30 years, and I will have been married 26 years this Thursday!!!

Seems like your family member/friend had some misconceptions about married life and raising kids was all about.

The grass is always greener....

so being single won't make her happy either. She needs to seek a marriage counselor, and enjoy being a mom. She needs a new perspective, even if she is married to the biggest of all assholes, she still is responsible for her own happiness and shouldn't blame anyone else but herself for her own life decisions.

Until then, encourage her to seek help from someone who IS in her shoes, and do not allow her to project her misery on you.

morningsong said:

don't get me started!

I think it's rare for motherhood in itself to fulfill a woman (but I'm NOT ruling out that for some women that DOES happen) having an unrealistic expectation might make the loss in previous identity and HARD WORK difficult to adjust to.

I know it was hard for me to go from clever and fun spur of the moment person, to tired and irritable homebody lucky my partner still seems to like me

paintedlady said:

sounds like good advice to me. Thanks.

I know it's hard n it's so frustrating listen to ppl complain about stuff n then not do anything about it. But she probably just needed a shoulder to cry on, not your advice. Because honestly no matter what u say it's not going to make an ounce of difference anyway. People don't make life changing monumental decisions like leaving a marriage, or going to rehab, or how to raise their kids, etc, just because someone tells them to. They have to come to the conclusion on their own and be totally ready to do it for themselves.
When u made that remark to her u cut off that line of communication. If u really want to be there for her to support her, NOT tell her what she should do. Then maybe u can apologize n tell her if she needs to talk u'd like to listen. Then do just that. Tell her your sorry for her situation and that u love her no matter what n I'll always support her and leave it at that.

You know what this topic is almost about me - except some of the people I thought cared have turned a blind eye.

All I know is that when the Kids are old enough I'm outahere and I'm not going back.

I am so looking forward to this; but I know that it will be without the support of some of my family and friends.

Those who support me will be my true friends. .

A shoulder to cry on may not seem to be enough; but in reality it is everything.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

I'm sorry but I do not agree at all...

I have no sympathy for some whiny bitch, friend or not that just wants to bitch and moan.

forget that... most people like that are the exact same people that will turn a deaf ear when you need a shoulder to cry on. So why would Missfee enable this woman to continue to stay miserable by providing a source of comfort?

This chick already shows signs of being selfish by the way she treats missfee
so missfee doesn't need that drama in her life. She needs a shoulder? Then she should whine to her husband or toughen up. Missfee is not the one responsible for her misery, nor should missfee have to deal with the snide remarks and STILL be a source of comfort?!!!

Aww hell nah!!! This is NOT Missfee problem and missfee doesn't owe this person her peace of mind.

Missfee was saying that now this girl talks about her situation with everyone but her, and it seemed to me by her post that she wanted to reopen that line of communication, and she also wanted to know if she should tell her to leave her husband or not. If she doesn't wanna hear it then what isthe point of this thread?

And I'm sorry but what sounds selfish to me is getting all pissy cuz someone won't take your advice.

paintedlady said:

And I'm sorry but what sounds selfish to me is getting all pissy cuz someone won't take your advice.


PISSY??? not at all, sorry, I actually was in this very situation. Had to eventually cut her off because she was always miserable. missfee can't fix her. All that's going to happen is that this friend will repeat her pattern with Missfee. Missfee is compassionate, and feels outta the loop, but why keep a friend that is not a friend to you?

I don' care if she doesn't take my advice, I'm just giving my opinion from my own experience, what Missfee decides to do is all good. Its her choice, me giving my perspective on the matter is just that. MY opinion, nothing more.
[Edited 8/4/09 21:14pm]

I'm not trying to dispute u n your opinion. And maybe I'm just misunderstanding you. I found calling her friend a 'whiney bitch' a bit pissy.

Anyways I said in my initial post that it is very annoying to listen to someone complain but not doing anything about it.

But I also know that a lot of ppl are in unhappy marriages, and a lot of ppl complain about it. People just need to vent. Ya, it's annoying when it's constant n when it's the topic if every conversation. Well then u can always make the decision to not deal with this person anymore.

I know. I've been on both sides of this. I've been the whiny bitch and I've been the annoyed bitch.

But I to know that no one u's gonna leave their husband just cuz your friend tells you too. And I also know that it is extremely annoying to hearca friend with no children to worry about to just up and leave. Yeah maybe this girl should leave but she needs love and support. She can make her own decisions.

paintedlady said:

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Yes but the part where Missfee feels attacked when Missfee is asked about how she spends her free time and such is what I am talking about.

I think her friend being in an awful situation is hard and its OK to be a source of support, but only if the person does not project her pain at you and tear you down in the process.

See, Missfee misses her friendship, but to me this person is described as more of a "frienemy" and to me, that makes this friend/family member a whiny bitch.

misspelled made up word edit
[Edited 8/4/09 21:45pm]

Gotcha! Ya. No need to make others feel bad cuz they have a good thing goin.

paintedlady said:

No!

I've been down that road before,,,,and no matter how good intentioned I was, it led to destruction.

ZombieKitten said:

having kids is a massive change to any relationship.

missfee said:

your relative knew her situation before she had her kid. she only has herself to blame. kids don't magically change a bad situation, they can often make it worse.

angelcat said:

I don't know how people ever thought having kids would save a relationship

ZombieKitten said:

Right then sometimes you hear, "let's make a baby" (when there are already problems in the relation) first off, it's not a good environment for the child to grow up in with that tension, and basically they're trying to let the child fix their shit. In my opinion, at the least, it only grants temporary happiness, but the real issue won't be solved.

perhaps she could become a single mother? that might be better for the kids

or she could do nothing and then the kids will have a messed up idea of what a relationship should be - just like the parents

people get married for the wrong reasons

people have kids for the wrong reasons

that is why i am still single.....if i die alone, at least i never settled for something that made my life worse

life is too short to be unhappy.....tell her that

NMuzakNSoul said:

having kids IMO requires a rock-solid relationship to begin with, and being as rare as that is, a subsequent conflict-free relationship must be rarer still

ZombieKitten said:

i certainly wouldn't recommend it.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

paintedlady said:

I'm glad that both of you came to an understanding regarding my situation I do appreciate all of the advice. I just didn't want to feel like if I step back from my family member that I would be doing her a dis-service rather than constantly giving her advice and being a shoulder for her to lean on. See, I don't mind being there for somebody during rough times in their life, but if you aren't trying to find a solution or doing something about your situation, then my sympathy for them fades really quick. I do feel for her, but it is she who must realize what and who is stressing her out and giving her constant migraines. I don't want her to end up sick or even on the way to the grave due to constantly being stressed to the point of ruining her health because of her marriage, but at the same time she isn't doing anything about it, just complaining all the time or by telling the family the nasty and awful things her husband says to her when she needs his support. Her marriage and situation really isn't my problem, but because we were always close, its kind of hard for me to say I absolutely don't care about her well being too.

POOK said:

lol, welcome back Pook!