SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

And I can see soooo much of you in him!

So PROUD of you!

I'm so sorry for your loss Richard

You and I both lost our Grandma's

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I have a feeling that one act may have seriously eroded some walls in people's minds.

johnart said:

I'm not one for sentimental quotes, but Kahlil Gibran gives us this on despair: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"

I'd never compare my pain to that of others, but I've subjectively been there and, occasionally, still am there. Yet sometimes what gives me restraint is the notion what I'm going through gives me all the more capacity to appreciate times of joy…..

I just suppose much of this boils down to leveraging life's incredible payoffs with the sometimes seemingly unbearable struggles we often encounter between them.

Lam, I really must take this time to say THANK YOU for engaging me in my music project from last year. That discussion made me think about my feelings and my beliefs and helped me to flesh them out, even towards this experience with my Grandmother. I just wanted you to know that this someone appreciates that lovely noggin of yours for more than just the beautiful face that represents it




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[Edited 8/4/09 14:30pm]

babynoz said:

Thank you baby!

It's so funny because people are invoking bravery and then looking at me like I got it all together. It was a brave move but so much of the rest of my life needs assistance. Let's just put it that way

But a house doesn't just get built in one single act. It's a process. I'm building something wonderful. I guess I started 5 years ago but now I'm seeing some things come to fruition. The wiring is done so I can turn the lights on. Just gotta get my furnishings for the open house

That's a weird analogy I guess but you get my point

onenitealone said:

He's not related by blood But he is the only grandpa I ever knew so that crap don't matter! One of the converstaions that we had that weekend before my grandmother passed involved my birth grandfather.

My Grandpa Frank asked me if I ever met him and I told him that I met him one time and that was at his wake. So the first and only time I encountered my blood grandfather, he was dead. I told my Grandpa Frank that he was the only grandpa we ever knew and it didn't matter to me one bit that we weren't related by blood. He was my GRANDPA and I thanked him for always taking such good care of my family and of my Grandma.

Well that is the desired result. Absolutely. I am not going to be naive and think that this one thing is going to change the years of resentments, and issues that surround my family. But at the same time, I will have infinite hope that it touched a part of each and every one of them. It is a seed. Seeds grow.....

My dad and I had a conversation, where he talked about the fact that he won't ever have answers to some of the questions he always had for my grandmother. I asked him if he felt like he would be able to deal with that and he said "who is there to argue with?" Good point. I told him that I hoped that he could come to a point where he could deal with the fact of those open-ended issues but that he doesn't have to live there. I told him he has the rest of his life with us (me and my siblings) and that our relationships will be what matters now.

In some ways, I'm feeling like I'm understanding why I was born into such a messy family. Both sides. Not that I'm a savior, but I am willing to have converstaions that nobody else is having. I feel this is so important to everyone involved, including myself.

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[Edited 8/4/09 11:49am]

Such a beautiful picture of the 2 of u hon. Like u said many people don't get to say goodbye- I didn't get a chance 2 say goodbye when a loved one left 14 yrs ago- be thankful you did.

I regret it all the time- glad there is no regrets. Be thankful you got to know her- again I didm't that much b4 she left.

I'd like 2 think they are all enjoying the garden Sweets Love M

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You have no idea how much I relate to this post, Richard...

I feel I'm in a smiliar position - although I don't have that closeness or dialogue with either my immediate or distant family. I'm not sure how they see me, exactly... I'm probably an oddity to them ... but I always was able to step beyond the nonsense and see it from a different angle. My family... sheesh.

I also know exactly what you mean about your Grandother being the hub of the family; for some reason, that side of the family was never close. It was my Gran who was the central focus - the reason all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, etc.. came together. When she died, the entire family splintered - which is no surprise, really. The fact that you are striving to keep these bonds alive makes me admire you so much. You are taking a lot on, maybe - but maybe, also, they will learn from your example. I just totally get where you are coming from - and I wish you luck. Above all, just peace and happiness; it sounds like you're on the right path.


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[Edited 8/5/09 11:42am]

Sending you love and healing!

There is this track, several actually, that is part of the soundtrack of this time for me. I will post the other songs later but I love this lyric from Adriana Evans' "In the Sun"

Heaven's all around us every day





This is where she is now In the sun.....

It's time to step out on faith, I gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, freedom is mine today
gotta step out on faith, it's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down, look what I have found, I found:

Strength, Courage and Wisdom
It's been inside of me all along
Strength, Courage and Wisdom inside of me....
India Arie - Strength, Courage and Wisdom


There are so many words I would use to describe my Grandmother but Strength, Courage and Wisdom describe the person my grandma was perfectly. She was incredibly strong throughout her life, she was courageous against her illness and she shared her wisdom. And it is strength, courage and wisdom that she inspired me to find within myself. Anniversaries are very important to me and I wanted to mention 2 of them. Yesterday, was my grandmother's 87th birthday and today is 3 months to the day from when I posted this thread about coming out to her:

http://prince.org/msg/100/305523:

My beloved Grandmother passed away this morning in her home with her husband by her side. For the rest of my life, coming out to my grandmother will be one of the most profound things that I have ever done. I couldn't imagine that in three short months she would be gone but I will be forever grateful that I was able to share my true life with her. These last 3 months between us has been so beautiful because I chose to step out on faith. She inspired me to take the first steps to truly living a fearless life.....

I had one last piece to post in the thread where I spoke of coming out to her. No more appropriate place than this thread to share.



So I told her all about this and at the end of it I told her that there is a place for her in my perfect Garden and that when she passes she will go there. Saturday July 12th was the last time I ever saw my Grandma concious. My sister and I went over and I lay down in her bed next to her and I held her hand and I kissed it over and over. I also stroked her arm and stroked her hair and we talked and she asked me to make sure to take care of the boys (my nephews) and I told her we would always look after them and that I would always help my sister.

I told her that it was OK to let go when she was ready and that we as a family would survive and make it and be OK. She said that she wanted god to take her quickly. The last thing I asked her is if she remembered the garden that I told her about before and she said yes and I told her that she would be there soon and she said "I know". The last thing she told me "mijo, can you do one thing for me? Win at bingo"

Over the last 4 years, I have grown closer and closer to my grandmother and we played Bingo together during that time. Even though we were getting closer, there was that one thing that prevented me from fully opening up. I can look back with no regrets because I cleared the air and I do look back and think why didn't I come out to her sooner. Well this just seems like I did it at the perfect time. We became very close when she needed it the most. In a way I feel that I was able to help her transition.

During these three months, my grandmother and I had many conversations about God, faith, her fear of death, her acceptance of death, accepting she was dying but still having that hunger to live. We talked about so many matters of life and the heart. I am honored to have been able to be there for her in this way.

There are so many moments and memories I will cherish from the time that I came out until her passing but one thing stands out for me. It was the week after I told her. On Fridays I would usually call to see how she was feeling for Bingo the next day. That Friday after I came out, she said she was not doing too good and that she was really sick. The next day I went to Bingo and since I didn't expect her I didn't even look to the table she usually sat at. I got closer to the table and I realized that she had made it to bingo! I was genuinely surprised and happy to see her and I will never forget the look on her face when she saw how happy I was. She was absolutely beaming.

5 weeks ago the tumor on her breast burst. Everything inside that tumor came out and she never stopped bleeding. She lost a lot of blood and a lot of energy and none of us expected her to go down so hard and so fast. She stopped eating and wanted her suffering to end. She was ready.

My grandmother had an old school Mexican streak of Valiance. She requested not to have hospice care because she wanted to be present and not drugged up. But she suffered incredibly the last 2 weeks and last Wednesday agreed to let Hospice come in. They gave her some morphine and that was the first rest she had in great many days.

On Saturday I spent about 3 hours with my grandfather. And we talked about many many things. When I was set to leave, the nurse from hospice came and I walked out to her car and I thanked her for caring for my granmother and for helping my grandfather. He was taking the burden of her care mostly on himself and it was taking a toll. I cried during the time that I thanked her and she asked if I was close to my grandmother and I told her yes. She told me she felt like I was a very special person.

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours with my grandfather and we talked more. We really talked about everything. The past, memories, my grandmother and to be honest I have never really talked to my grandfather before. Usually it would be the hellos and goodbyes and small chit chat. This was really the first time I ever had a heart to heart with him. This is a gift that my grandmother had a hand in giving to us both.

At one point I asked my grandfather how he felt he was going to do when she passed. He said that God gives strength and that you gotta keep on truckin. That totally took me off guard. Many of you who grew up in the 70s will probably remember that phrase "keep on truckin" and I pretty much went like this I hadn't heard that phrase in years and I just remembered the mudflaps and bumper stickers:





So I have faith that my grandfather will find the strength to keep on keepin on. I asked him if he would still be going to bingo and he said he would. My grandmother wouldn't want it any other way

Yesterday about 2 hours into my visit, my Uncle Johnny came and told me that a priest was on his way to read my grandmother her last rites and that I was welcome to stay. This was a total surprise to me as I had no idea this was going to happen, let alone that I would be a part of it. So it was myself, my Uncle Ronny, my Uncle Johnny and my grandfather. My own father wasn't able to be there.

But I felt that my presence served two purposes. The first, that I was a replacement or stand in for my father. That I was representing him with my presence. And the second purpose was to bring the feminine energy to the room. It was an all male gathering but the feminine was extremely present because I was there. I am so honored and blessed that I was able to be there at her last rites. I know how important it would have been to her to know that I was there.

A couple months ago, I asked my grandmother if I could have one of her rosaries when she passed and without hesitation she said I could pick out whichever one I wanted and didn't have to wait. I picked one and she told me that her aunt, my Tia Concha, got that for her from Europe. This is the one I chose:



I have been wearing it and will continue wearing it for some time. I loved my Tia Concha so very much and the fact that she gave this to my grandmother makes it that much more special.

I am sad that I will never be able to play Bingo with her again. I am sad that I will never hear her speak and that I will never see her, at least not on this earth. But I am so at peace with the fact that in the end I was completely honest with her and that being honest opened up our relationship and gave us both a true happiness and joy. At the time I told her, her health wasn't of such a critical nature. I did feel a sense of urgency because I knew this lack of honesty was blocking me spiritually. But I told her because I wanted to not because I had to. This makes all the difference to me.

Life is just wild. This is part of it. Thankfully I was able to process her passing and had the time to say goodbye. Many people don't get that. Cherish your family. Love them and live every day of your life. I must come back to the saying I saw on the way to a memorial for the head of our department who died. It said:

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.

Losing my grandmother is huge but I will live the rest of my life holding onto her valor, her strength, her wisdom and her love. My grandmother would want me to keep on living and in her honor I will live and love with everything that I am. I will live a fearless life!

Enjoy the garden grandma, give Lisa and Anthony my love and I'll see you in due time.....




Love Pops

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[Edited 7/23/09 17:06pm]

Allow me to offer my deepest condolences Sup. What a steering remembrance of your beloved grandmother. Some people are never fortunate nor blessed to have their grandparents in their lives as children not to speak of till adulthood. The constant and unflappable love of grandparents is so invaluable, your testament of her love for you and her family only reaffirms this. You and your family are in my prayers.



My Warmest Regards,
Trina