SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

That's really nice. And I'm glad to see Lisa's picture on this thread.

heartbeatocean said:

In January, I went to the informational event for the Masters Program in Spiritual Psychology that I WILL be accepted to. The whole purpose of the program is to live as the authentic self. One of their statements is that we are not human's having a spiritual experience but that we are spirits having a human experience. Spirit first.

I feel this sentiment when I see that picture.....

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[Edited 7/31/09 15:38pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

And since the spirit is eternal and the body is impermanent...that makes sense.

So terribly sorry to read about your Grandma.
I feel very strongly that we never truly lose someone as long as we keep them in our hearts.

tackam said:

shellyevon said:

Thank you shelly. I believe that too. Good thing they are spirits cuz it would be mighty hard carrying around the weight otherwise!

onenitealone said:

Well the right time is now The conversation we had was honest, connected and wonderful. It's nice to talk to my family as an adult. I remember so much that I wasn't able to participate in before because I was a kid. But it was mostly fighting so it's just as well



The wake and the funeral were amazing. Particularly in that my family was more than civil. It seemed at times that they were really loving each other! We have the typical "I can't stand her/him so I don't want to be in the same room" type of shit, and some people actually didn't come to the wake/funeral because of that crap BUT my family that attended just didn't go there. Not even for one second



The wake.....

We got there about an hour in but the priest hadn't started the service yet. People were still mingling about. There was a small altar with flowers surrouding it. One flower arrangement said Beloved Mother, another Beloved Wife and another Beloved Aunt. On the altar, in the center, was the urn with my grandmother's stardust. It was surrounded by yellow and white flowers.

This pictureisn't from the wake but the funeral. It was the same arrangement though. When my cousin sends pictures of the altar at the wake I'll post it, until then:



At the 4 corners of this altar were 4 pictures. I'm waiting on pictures from my cousin as I forgot my camera, but this is the only pic from the pics on the altar I have. It's my grandparents from the 70s. Just love this picture of them:



At the opposite corner from that picture was a shot of them in Vegas. The picture in the front right corner was my grandma at her first communion and the picture opposite that was the last birthday gift we ever gave her. A framed picture of her little dog blackjack.

So the service starts and pretty much it was the whole technical and procedural aspect of a Catholic service. I think they did 50 hail Marys, 10 each between the mysteries and then there was a reading from the Bible. Then the priest offered for the family to come to the podium and say a few words. On the Friday before, I called my dad and asked him who was going to do the eulogy. He said "hell, I don't know. We haven't even thought of it!". So I told him I wanted to speak.

So the time comes where the Priest offers up some time for the family to speak. My Uncle Johnny spoke first. He read the surviving family and he mentioned 4 great grandkids. My sister has 4 by herself. Must have been a typo because there are 13. Maybe they added the 1 and 3 together My uncle Ronny spoke next and then my dad got up to speak. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't because he was choked up. So he waved to me to come up to the podium.



I had expected to do my eulogy at the funeral. Good thing I have my experience with my public speaking group because I am getting used to doing things on the fly!

*steps to the podium*





OK….. In case anybody didn't notice. I CAME OUT TO MY WHOLE FAMILY! I had to in order to share the story so it's not like I was standing there snapping my fingers and yelling haaaayyyyy Overall the response was amazing and wonderful. Nobody focussed on the G word very much but on the sum of what I had to say. It was received very well, although I did have a couple responses of people who were amazed that I spoke of being gay in a church. Not in a condescending or judging way but like they couldn't believe I was that brave, like the lightning was gonna strike cuz I said it Well isn't that the place for the truth? Even if I believed being gay was a sin and I was there to confess, I would still have to speak the truth! And it's not like my family didn't know. But this is the first time I spoke it to them.

My grandmother helped me face that fear and again she helped me to liberate myself even more. I thought I was done with all that but man, it brings up so many memories of doing it the first time. I understand anyone who stays closeted but the more of us that are visible, the more we can stand as examples to people who would otherwise live their lives in oppressive chains and lies. That is no way to live.

Oh yeah, one other thing. After the priest finished the service and after we spoke I approached my grandfather asking if he was doing OK and he said:

Mijo, you and grandma talked?

Yes grandpa. We talked all the time

But you talked

Yes, we did

I could see relief on his face. During this last 3 months, I didn't ask anyone about the conversations they were having with her. I just concentrated on me and her and made sure that I talked about the things that I knew mattered and that would give her the opportunity to speak her heart. I'm so happy that I was able to tell everyone that we had this time, because clearly it brought my grandfather some comfort.






The next day was the funeral. We had the Mass at St. Ann's in Santa Ana. The priest that led the mass was the same priest that read her the last rites. It was so nice to see some of her bingo friends there. We got there a little late and one of her bingo friends was so happy that I came. Not sure if she thought I wouldn't but you could see the relief on her face.

We go from there to the cemetary where they gave a beautiful and wonderful service. She is near the church that is on the grounds so she will hear those beautiful bells on an hourly basis. Good thing she gets that automatic eternal rest cuz otherwise she might be annoyed!

The director gave the family an opportunity to speak. My Uncle Johnny said a few words and the director offered anyone else the opportunity and nobody said anything so I raised my hand and said that I wanted to say something. so I got up and said the following:





So....

My family has seen me in a way that they never saw before and that is a leader. I cannot control anybody else and I cannot force people to make amends or get along but I have made it clear where I stand and this gives me the opportunity to begin the conversations that I have been wanting to have with my family for the longest time. I will do my part to love everyone and to be that family that my grandma wanted. I will simply be me.

Before my participation in my speaking group I NEVER would have had the guts to stand before everyone and speak. But I have had some good practice over the last year and a half with my speaking group and I have reached such a level of comfort and I am knowing who I am.

I can't wait to share this with my speaking group. Originally there was talks of putting off our annual event but it was decided that we keep on our schedule, even though it would mean we didn't reach as many people as we wanted to. I cannot bear to think about what would have happened had the event been rescheduled. Had it been delayed, so would my decision to come out to her and I likely would have lost these 3 months and the beauty of it and the lessons of it. That event was the one thing I wanted to accomplish before coming out to my grandmother.

I plan on speaking to my group to reitterate just how important that group is. At the time we had the event, I did thank the organizers for keeping us on schedule but oh how thankful I am now.....

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[Edited 8/3/09 17:53pm]

:speechless: :speechless:


Richard... That was incredibly brave and... just wow. When I started reading what you wrote, I thought 'I'm not going to be able to find the words to reply to this'. By the time I'd finished, I'm even more speechless!! Not in a bad way - you'd know that - it is just so brilliant. I bet Grandma Vicenta would be so proud!

And what your Grandfather had to say about talking... I'm not going to hijack your thread but I *know* all about that; I was always aware that, being housebound, my Gran wanted to hear about real life, the real world. And real things. I bet you made your Grandfather very, very happy too.

I love you, Richard - you are amazing. It sounds like an amazing send-off - who could ask for more??

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[Edited 8/3/09 14:34pm]

Oh, and that picture of your grandparents... Beautiful!

onenitealone said:

Oh feel free to share your memories! This is a family jam



And yeah, the old me wouldn't have ever dared to think about what I did. But the new me pushed that old heiffer aside and said move over bitch, there's a new queen in town! O. M. G. though. Yeah, I can't believe I did it either but I am done with hiding, period.

As for the send off, how could I not? I told her several times in the last few months that she taught me so much and she said she hoped so and I just could never even convey how much so! Now she knows all the inner workings of my heart and soul and I don't even have to try and explain it. Just like she told me in that last phone conversation where I didn't understand one single thing she said but this:

I could never talk about you being my grandson before, but now I can shout it from the mountaintops

Somewhere at my beach is a mountain. Maybe it's just the cliffs but she's surely shouting from the top of something right now!

onenitealone said:

My sister thinks my grandma looks like Aretha Franklin right there

But yeah, that pic! X infinity

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

PLEASE don't tell me Grandma Vicenta sang renditions of 'Touch My Body' too?!



(I will probably go to HELL for that but I *hope* you realise I'm joking ). The picture is fab!

onenitealone said:

Oh no, my grandma is laughing her ass off right along with us. She had a sharp sense of humor. She did, after all, tell me about how she was mistaken for prostitute. I'll tell that story shortly

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Richard, I deliberately answered this before my last comment because - as I hope you realise - I was only joking; and it is this comment which speaks to me more. I just think the whole thing is amazing - and, again, weird as this may sound, I am just happy for you. I think the bond you created with your Grandmother will be something you carry forever - and no-one can take that from you. BIG hug, Rich.


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[Edited 8/3/09 14:53pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

OMG. I love old people and their stories.

onenitealone said:

Well picture the scene....

I'm about 5 or 6, and my grandmother had taken me to Montgomery Wards to get some school clothes. Because I was shorter than the clothes racks, I could only hear the following from across the store:

Vicky! Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long. How are you?

Then the lady turned the corner of the clothes rack and became startled when she saw me:

Who's that?!

Grandma My Grandson!

The lady just went on about my light skin and green eyes and how she can't believe it. I must have looked like a kidnap victim as a child That disbelief was there my whole life and that is one of the stories of the recurring theme I opened my eulogy with

onenitealone said:

Oh no doubt, coming out to her and everything that came of it will, till the day I die, be one of the most profound things I ever did and it will be the foundation for the building of my strength and the place I can stand securely in becoming the man I'm meant to be

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Awwww...

Your grandparents were a veeeery good looking couple.

onenitealone said:

When I re-tell these stories something is lost because I cannot duplicate the faces she would make when telling them. Like this one story from Bingo.

So I walk in and my grandma is there but my grandfather was up buying his papers and stuff. So since he was busy, I sat in his seat and leaned over hugging my grandma and kissing her on the cheek and then asking her how she was feeling.

So I told her I was going to get my papers and get set up and that I would see her in a little bit and there was this lady that was sitting across from her and next to my grandma's friend. The lady is just looking at my grandma and finally says "Do you know him?"

Before my grandma could answer, her friend told this old lady

That's her boyfriend

The face my grandmother would make to mimic that lady was just CLASSIC. Had me rolling on the floor every time.

Then, because the lady is going into cardiac arrest in shock, my grandma's friend said

They've been together for 2 years


my grandma said the lady's face was all red and she was still open mouth gaping in shock. Finally my grandmother told her

He's my grandson!

The lady started breathing again.

When she told me that story I couldn't believe that lady thought I was a gigollo! Then I told my grandma she should look at the bright side, that lady thought she had it like that!

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[Edited 8/3/09 17:01pm]

And we thought this story couldn't get any better. What an awesome finale!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Brilliant!

heartbeatocean said:

First my Grandma, then the world!

I don't think it has quite set in what I did, mainly because I don't feel that familiar feeling of shock. But I feel Awe! There was no fear in doing what I did. It came from the right place and for the right reason. I'm really liking this bravery business!

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[Edited 8/3/09 17:48pm]

I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities from the funeral because I didn't get the pictures I wanted and I missed them lowering the urn into the burial space because I kept trying to get the shot only to keep discovering over and over that I wasn't at the right angle or someone's shoulder or whatever was in the way But I was in the moment and not really focusing on the script of how I thought it should be so I cannot fret about the things that weren't and focus on the things that were.

After I spoke, the men who tend to the plots set about to bury my grandmothers remains. The Urn was placed into a golden box. The men wrapped a cloth around it in order to lower it down into the burial space:



After they lowered the urn, the director offered for people to go up and grab a handful of dirt and place flowers or other items in there. I didn't think to have someone get a picture of me placing the dirt but I did capture my sister and my dad doing so:





Even though I don't have a picture of myself, I do have something very special from that moment. When they offered up for people to go, everyone was expecting my grandfather to go first and I walked up to him, expecting that was where the line was going to start and he handed me the flower he was holding and told me "mijo, here place this flower with grandma". So I was the first person to place some dirt in the space. And the flower too

onenitealone said:

My grandpa when he was in the military:



He was 27 and my grandma 34 when they met. My grandma was the original cougar

It's weird the things you never question and believe just because they've been the way you always knew them to be.

When I visited with my grandfather the weekend before she passed I asked him what had happened to her eye. You probably can't tell very well but in the picture I posted of them from the 70s, my grandmothers left eye (the right as you are looking at it) is a little different.

So I asked my grandfather what happened to her eye. He told me she had a glass eye since she was 3. I went what?!

Yes Mijo, when she was 3 she had a surgery on her eye and the surgery went bad and they removed her eye and replaced it with a glass eye.

Me:


And here all this time I had so many mysteries and so many questions about that eye. I never asked because I didn't want my grandma to ever feel like I was focused on it or even cared that she had a physical weakness.

This whole time I thought that her eye died, like it atrophied and the mystery to me was how it didn't rot or decay or get infected. Also, when she blinked her eyelid didn't go across the eye, so when she would sleep that glass eye would be exposed and I always just wondered how it could be exposed to air and not drive her absolutely crazy since it never closed! It was one of the things I considered hardcore about her. Like she can tolerate that dry eye for as long as I've been alive! So many questions!

Now she has 2 beautiful eyes to see with.....


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[Edited 8/3/09 18:27pm]

thekidsgirl said:

I have been meditating on this and this is what came to me:

My grandma Hazel and my Aunt Esther met my grandma Vicky on the sand. They took her arm in arm with my grandma Vicky in the center and led her to the Ocean water. It was there that they let her discover that my cousin Lisa is there. The reason they took her to the water is because my cousin has come to this place, and to her peace, as the mermaid….

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:[quote]

onenitealone said:

So PROUD of you!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I have a feeling that one act may have seriously eroded some walls in people's minds.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

And I can see soooo much of you in him!