alright, if you read my recent thread about relationships and my realization of fear that has been left from the situation with my ex, being left at such a difficult time by my other ex, and because of my father who probably started the trend in me to begin with... you know that i am questioning several things in life right now - spring cleaning of the soul if you will.

a few days after that thread, i was contacted by my fathers brother, so, my uncle whom i havent spoken to in almost 21 years. i know i saw my dads family at the funeral, but just like the time when my father was alive - we didnt have a relationship because my dad rarely went home to visit his family. i was much closer to my mother's side of the family and we see them regularly.

anyway, it was actually on my dad's birthday (august 21st) when he sent me his first contact letter on facebook. it touched me deeply because it was like hearing from part of my dad in a way...

we have since been sending emails back and forth and i have learned a few things about my family, as i am sure he has learned some about the family here. yesterday was our first telephone conversation as things were getting pretty detailed and difficult to send in letter forum. we talked for almost 2 hours, mostly about my dad and the life that he lived growing up. he was the oldest of 6 boys, the last set of which were twins. my grandfather was a very physically strong man, served in the war, and worked (as many do in michigan) at a car plant to support his family. most noted, we talked about the abusive environment that my father grew up in. he recalled horrible things that took my breath away to hear - suddenly i found myself feeling so sorry for my dad to have had to grow up in that kind of house.... even in his WORST fits of anger, he never laid a hand on any of us kids in anger, something my mother told me this morning was something that he promised himself would never happen.

he was very emotionally abusive, he was a very strong, very intense man who most people were afraid of. he was the life of the party and the end of the party all at once - i have never met someone with that kind of charm/horror before or since. he would change on a dime with no warning of what was to come, living with him was truely like walking on eggshells in every sense.

that being said, now that i hear of his relationship with his own father, i know just how FAR he was able to come out of that abusive cycle as far as his own kids were concerned. that shows that he DID care! he DID try, and he WAS aware that the way he was raised was wrong.

all these years, i have walked around thinking that my father didnt really care about me (or my siblings) because of how he acted with us. i cant IMAGINE growing up the way he did and then having the ability to NEVER hit a child. Im not talking about a 'rough' relationship with his father here guys, im talking about a man who grew up in a HORRIFIC environment with a man who was totally out of control... i cant believe my father was able to step away from that.


do you know how many years i have spent in therapy to work out the issues left behind from my dad and how many tears i have spent trying to make things right inside???? now all these things are coming together all at once and it is truely blowing my mind how freeing it is to my soul to make sense of things that have always been such a sore spot. my heart is beating so fast as i am writing this... there are so many things that i want to say... i would write, but nothing other than shock is coming out.

it has taken me almost 21 one years - he died on my 18th birthday, in october it will be 21 years to get to this place i have tried so hard to get to... there is FINALLY some sort of beginnings of peace and understanding starting! and i am beginning to see that it was never my fault, it wasnt because he didnt love me but because he DID love me and care for me that i wasnt destined to live that same pain he did. he left a mark on me in a different way, words can never be taken back and things he said to me i still fight with today, but now maybe i can look at it a different way and learn to let things go


i ask if i am dying because DAMN! thats a lot for your soul to experince in, whats it been like a week and a half????

this is just crazy...

Thank you for sharing parts of your journey with us ...

One of the greatest curses on our nation is the raising of men not to express themselves. Men, naturally, aren't generally inclined this way anyway but we encourage them through all ways and means NOT to talk about their fears or pain.

What happened for you is astounding. I hope others out there learn from what you just wrote because one of the first things, I believe, in making peace with the ghosts our parents hand us is understand them as human beings.

The issues I had with my dad go way back and these are decades worth of pain and sadness. As I became an adult, I realized that sometimes there is no good/bad choice. Sometimes we are presented with bad/worse. Knowing the pressures, demands, disappointments and hardships of being an adult, I chose to view my own dad through that prism.

I realized why he did the things he did. I was able to figure out all the reasons even though he never said. Now our relationship is coming together in a way I never thought it could or would.

You discovered the most important thing, and that is you aren't to blame. As bad as your dad acted you do now understand that he did take some steps towards breaking the cycle. He didn't break it fully but he did break it some. This allows you to break the cycle even further, hopefully breaking it altogether so that your children have even less to go through than you did. This is what healing is all about.

I am so proud of you for facing your life in an honest way

Mach said:

Absolutely Nekky!

hears to healing!

Nothinbutjoy said:

Keep journaling I do hope you find peace and your soul healed.

I adore the transparency! thank you and force; you are almost a diamond
[Edited 8/27/09 19:49pm]

thanks guys

strange, even the dreams i have had during this last week have been different. i used to dream and not be able to finish them, or dream about trying to find something that i couldnt find. all this last week my dreams are very peaceful, normal, nonsense kinda dreams that dont leave me confused or anxious when i wake up.

dang, i didnt really think about it, but the fact that i met my daughter i gave up for adoption this past summer and got that part of my heart healed - im running out of things to be upset about!!

its great to have such a peaceful feeling, different types of questions now - not ones that dwell on me and my inabilities but more about others and how they fit into my life and things they went through and how our lives came together. i really dont remember a time when i have felt this free, like imaginary weights have been taken off my shoulders.

Mach said:

thank you

I'm glad you're finally getting closure. I had a similar situation with my brother. He was always so mean and abusive to me and I was too young to understand. One day it all just hit me...everything made sense and I realized it wasn't his fault. He died unexpectedly a week later.

CarrieLee said:

at some point we realize that we are ALL only humans who make mistakes. mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters...no one is any different.

Shorty said:

nakedpianoplayer said:

What you need to do now is live in this new reality that you've discovered. In a sense, the truth you knew before is really a lie. I'll tell you separately about how I've had to do that same thing. I love you baby

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

[Edited 8/28/09 10:44am]

awwwww, that is a lot to take in honey in that short amount of time but the universe, god... wouldn't present it to u if u couldn't come out the other side.


lots of shocking emotions no doubt, but u'll be stronger because of it!

Love M