Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You get your big break in the movies this week as Ken Loach casts you as an embittered middle-aged failure with terrible personal hygiene and northern teeth.


Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Eclipses are breaks in the pattern, interruptions of business, and points of potential release. Next week we'll do Saturn and all it's moons, and the totally mental atmosphere of Venus.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A winning smile and agreeable manner will carry you through situations and dealings with just about anyone. Why not you try and develop them?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Venus opens a far fresher month for you in the downstairs department. Enjoy being a woman!

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your life will feature large amounts of change in the coming months. Mostly because you and you scrawny dog will be begging for it outside Waitrose.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Side-effects may include dizziness, memory loss, palpitations and drowsiness. Best served over ice.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sure, the blinding headaches subside after you've taken to the darkened streets and slaked your thirst for blood. But could you at least try a couple of Nurofen first?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Saturn in your money zone asks you to have one last check in your pockets to see if you've missed anything while Neptune looks on cleaning his fingernails with a nasty looking knife.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
No matter how well you plan things out, there's no guarantee events will go in the direction you want. Christ, you really don't get it do you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The week brings fun, laughter and a big surprise, when you are run over during a splash fight with three bikini girls by a motorbike ridden by an escaped chimp.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It's time to consolidate, regroup your allies, polish up your pubic halo and recharge the batteries on your vibrating butt bung.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This month marks something of a high-water in your emotional life as, after years of repeated rejection, you finally pluck-up the courage to throw yourself off a bridge.