Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this:

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on
corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this
adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my
cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a
bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I
am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to
rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not
having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I
picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly
concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took
a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an
education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just
stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to
action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger
than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight
down with a rope an d with some dignity. A deer-- no chance. That thing ran
and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly
no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not
nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that
they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to
realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big
gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I
just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly
arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks
as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of
responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have
to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my
truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a
squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could
get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when .... I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you,
it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let
go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you
may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and
pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an
animal --like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get
away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not
work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer
may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong
and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in
the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they
do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying
there crying like a little girl and covering your head

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I
know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort
of even the odds.


All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Rancher

That was the funniest shit I've read in ages. The rancher's 'epiphany' was the tops.

LMAO. I enjoyed that.
[Edited 6/10/09 16:25pm]

funny and educational

Oh dear.

Priceless!!

**NEWSFLASH****

Just came across this tidbit:

Because I'm a woman, I understand this recent news release completely:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected or forthcoming.

Ha! Ha! Don't be fooled by their looks, they are very strong and quick.

Because I’m a man, I find this story rather amusing:

(author unknown)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilates, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight: come home, fix dinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Ya think!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah, right). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull. It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...okay, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy...a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...the hair that should be on the strip. I touch...I am touching wax. CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down...DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo-hoo' sealed shut! Butt sealed shut! I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits, the water should melt the wax, and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water, which, incidentally, does not melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement -poxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter:

'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located…'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?' She is laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty
"congratulations" from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

reneGade20 said: