Yeah, I'm an 18-year-old girl and obviously people in my age bracket are going to deal with feelings and insecurities like these at some point in their lives, but the problem is, in spite of my recognition and admission of this petty, concealed insecurity, I'm not dealing with it well and don't know how to let it stop eating me up.

I have a friend who's an aspiring musician. He's attractive, funny, chill in attitude, and inspires me with his raw talent (drums, guitar, vocals, etc.). We have a mutual dream of being in a band together (since I'm a budding songwriter myself), and it's brought us together even closer as friends.

We met 8 months ago, and two months after that initial meeting, a solid friendship had been formed and I realized that I had grown feelings for him. I confessed these feelings, but he told me that he just wanted to be friends because "love is pain", he "didn't want a girlfriend right now", etc. A week later, he calls me and says that he has a new girlfriend, so in essence he lied to me. I was so offended by this that I broke ties with him (albeit indirectly), but after moving to a different city for four months, I came back as a more mature person, and began communicating with him and seeing him again.

We've been planning on recording some stuff, and I told my best friend (who is a musical talent in her own right... phenomenal singer) she could collaborate with us. I wasn't going to just leave her out of this opportunity, but the issue I'm having is, I'm afraid that once she and this boy come in contact again, he's going to get a crush on her all over again and desire her as a girlfriend. This happened when they were re-united in the duration of the two months before he lied to me and I dropped our friendship. The three of us and another boy hung out together, and behind my best friend's back, the musician boy called her pretty, asked me how old she was, whether or not she had a boyfriend, etc. This hurt me, obviously.

For some bizarre reason, I've fallen all over again for the boy now that I'm back living where I used to. I don't want to feel this way, in all honesty, but unfortunately, it's snatched me up again. It is not simply because of that past incident involving my best friend that I'm having this anxiety and insecurity... it is also because I have always been in my best friend's shadow in terms of romance. I don't mean to insult her since I cherish her, but she's pretty much a plain jane when it comes to looks and she has a somewhat nerdy, awkward personality. Neither of these traits should matter two shits, but it would seem that 90% of the guys that meet her become intensely physically, sexually, and/or romantically attracted to her. She's always been a total magnet for the lads, attractive or otherwise, and this attraction to her happens almost instantaneously in all cases.

That's why I'm afraid that when the three of us meet again tomorrow, he'll just fall under her spell again like most of the other guys do. I should just be saying to myself, "So what if it happens? I should just be happy to have his friendship. And so what if my friend attracts guys even though I never personally thought she was particularly pretty? This insecurity really needs to stop." Any advice you guys can offer me?

OK, this plane jane. Is she aware of and playing the game back that the guys are playing? If not, sounds to me like they are going for the conquest, you know taking something that you wouldn't think could be had.

As for the situation with this boy, keeping your musical dreams alive with him in the dream could make for some KILLER music. Just look at the gems Prince churned out when his heart was festering I am not making light of your situation because I had my first ever boyfriend at 18 and we dated for a few months and once he fucked me, I never saw him again. I remember I wanted, literally, to be dead from how much pain I was in. The age aint easy and neither is dealing with boys who are typically 5 to 8 years behind you in maturity.

Don't be desperate, it looks bad on rockstars when they're not onstage I love you and I hope that you can work through this. Depending on how much the collaboration between you and this boy brings out the best in your creativity I say that should determine whether you kick it or not. It's way easier said than done trying to separate feelings but if you can do that and do your art, you will truly be a warrior able to handle ANY boy that comes you way.

PS - you're looking for a man

wait, this "new girlfriend" and your plane jane friend, are they the same person? If so, why didn't she tell you this was happening?

And if he is mistreating you in any way, and you still want his affections then you should stop thinking about yourself for a second and imagine you are someone else. If he is disrespecting you, hurting you would you tell your best friend or your mom or your own daughter to accept that? If you come up with a no on any of the three counts, then you should evaluate exactly what it is about this person that has you accepting wrong behavior and why you would accept them not treating you like the Squiddy queen we all know you to be

I probably haven't helped have I?

Oh no, no! I was away from the comp for a little bit. Lemme go back and read the wisdom of the mighty Supa .

move on.

tigers don't change stripes.

and

if they've found happiness, perhaps it was fate that had you introduce them.

you're young, and he's out there, I promise. the one meant for you, the one you'll drop to your knees willing for..

The girlfriend he had a week after my confession was not my best friend. In fact, he and that girlfriend have been broken up for a loooong time. He's gone through a few more since then, and according to him, "all the girls he's ever had were just using him."

Perhaps I really should try to move on; it's definitely hard as hell, especially for a girl like me, but Supa, that's so true... maybe my emotions WILL inspire some amazing music . The deep feelings I had for another boy long before I met the musician, inspired a lot of poetry and melodies that have laid the foundation for the impending music between me and Mr. Rockstar.

Nevertheless, even if my feelings for him will take a while to go away (if they are never returned, of course), I pray every night that God will give me the strength to be confident in myself and not be tormented by these insecurities and this low self-esteem. Mr. Right is out there... I guess I just have a youthful habit of fancying these guys I like as that Mr. Right time after time. I'm a dreamer, what can I say? At the same time, I can't let those dreams overtake me.


Thanks, Supa. Love you.

squiddyren said:

jeez...other orgers advised you too you know...

squiddyren said:

You're a sagitarrius. my sister is a sag. If you're anything like her, you have deep deep emotions but don't show them. My sister had a baby 2 years ago and she winced and whimpered one time. No tears, no screams. She's hardcore Is that you? Are you afraid to be vulnerable?

And you need to memorialize all this shit. All the good and all the bad. write it out and make a rock opera out of it! We have playrights here on the org that could probably use some good ole fashioned love/hate songs

Just about everyone who has been in relationships will tell you Mr. Right comes into your life over and over and over. Not many of us are lucky to have found him young and kept him for life. That's almost a myth. I wish that for you but like the commoners in France, only one of them was Marie Antoinette Are you interested in anyone else or is this guy the only male on the isle of Lesbos?

Keep your chin up honey, you can make it through your storm

BlackAdder7 said:

She doesn't like tigers!

BlackAdder7 said:

My apologies! I thank you, too.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I think I'm actually a Scorpio (Nov. 14th is my birthday), but I definitely have some of that "keep the vulnerability and sensitivity bottled up" going on sometimes. I'm a trooper when it comes to physical pain (in fact, five years ago, when I had spine surgery, I told them to take the morphine away from me... not to prove something, but just because it wasn't workin' for me), and at my grandmother's funeral last year, I hesitated for some weird reason to cry. I sucked it up like there's no tomorrow. I wanted to appear as the 'strong' one.

I can release the tears at other times, though, and break loose with my emotions. I'm a water sign, and I've heard we're the most sensitive of the zodiac. That's definitely true of me... I have an EXTREMELY tender heart.

I'm not interested in any other guy currently. I will try my hardest to be a trooper through these emotions, but I'll at least keep him as an inspiration. He's very important to me as such.

squiddyren said:

Ok, scratch all that. I didn't read the date right. You're water just like me My other sister is a Scorpio so I have experience with both! It's ok for him to be important to you but don't turn into one of those broads we see on the news who cuts a baby out of another woman's womb and then says it's the baby from the guy she loves

There's nothing you can do about your feelings. Only time heals that.


But GuRRRRLL, get the fuck out of Bartow and find you place in Hyde Park or Channelside.

Downtown Tampa is the place for a girl your age--NOT. BARTOW.

Imago said:

Listen to the man. He knows where the successful brothels are

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

dude, you will NOT belieeeeeve the next orger I'm gonna sleep with!

Imago said:

no

care!

I don't like his dishonesty, but this too shall pass.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

oh come on! You hop from org man to org man with the fequency of a cheap ham radio! Think 2 weeks out and you'll be singing a different tune, girfriend!

squiddy, read the book "he's just not that into you" I realise you guys are a bit younger, but I think guys are guys from the start. He lied to you thinking it would spare your feelings - when he says he doesn't want a girlfriend, it means he doesn't want YOU as a girlfriend you just aren't the one for him because otherwise he would have gone out with you

ZombieKitten said:

yup.

We'll do whatever it takes if we are really interested. If not, we'll just let it go or makeup some excuse like that. It's just a guy being a guy.

Painful as it is, move on.

ZombieKitten said:

exactly. Don't try and gloss that over and don't chase after something that needs to be chased. Even if you caged him up, it aint hunting season!

BlackAdder7 said:

The truth.

Imago said:

guys are romantic like that

just got to find the right one that does THAT for you

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

imagine if someone (who is a great person and really nice) that YOU weren't really attracted to trying to chase YOU all that amount of chasing won't change your mind most likely!

ZombieKitten said:

don't be that person!