Do you fight it and push yourself into their lives, or do you let things take their course and let them be?

I've been kinda hurt these past few months because I can tell that me & my BEST girlfriend are growing apart.

Part of me says love her from a distance and respect her space, the next part of me says you might never replace her with anybody else.

I've been torn about this.
[Edited 5/29/09 17:57pm]

This is not advise, but I've had some very close friendships grow apart.
In some cases, we had continuous clashes that amounted to hurt feelings,
and trying to come together after all of it just didn't work, cause
innocence was lost already.

In some cases, they married off, and their world became as alien to me
as mine is to them.

In some cases, being that I was in the military, we just moved and hooked
up with others.

I've found noone that replaces any of these friends. They're unique in
their own light. And I'm sure they'll never meet another like me

The worst reason I ever had for losing a friend was she became a right-wing
nutjob, and stopped talking to me once she realized Barack Obama was going
to win the Presidency. It's truly bizaar cause I've known her since I was
20, and we never talked about politics back then.


You should probably just do what you feel is right even if its wrong.

Imago said:

I did alot of things, and I didn't see that much of a change.

Of course I want my friend back in my life but at the same time I don't want to overstep my boundaries esp when I see that my friend is not meeting me 1/2 way when I'm REALLY trying

i say just go with it. don't force anything.

friendships are fluid. sometimes you're in each other's business 24/7, and sometimes life takes you far away from each other.

i feel like one of my closest friendships has reached a new stage where we can't be as close as we once were anymore, but we're not the same people as we were when we were total BFFs. i think i went through all the stages of grief when i realized what was going on with this friendship, but now i'm just kinda accepting of it, and trying to enjoy the positives that still exist in our friendship. it's sad to think about sometimes, though.

meanwhile, who's to say when we're old we won't decide to move to florida together and be senior citizen BFFs again? stranger things have happened!

My best friend and I fell out over ten years ago and no friendship has ever come close to that connection. I let it run it's course and it quickly ended. In hindsight I realize we had to part and I'm better for it. When you're going through it, it can be tough. It takes two people to work on a solid friendship.

Harlepolis said:

Oh, again, this is only me and not advise.

Cut the chord, don't look back.

The person I consider to be my best friend now was my best friend about 13-14 years ago.

There was a time there when it was very difficult to be friends. I fought it and it was hard, but it was best for us to not be close any more for a lot of reasons.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, with a lot of hurt (and other) feelings forgotten and forgiven and he is once again my best friend.

I've had other relationships like this, and it's entirely possible (or not) that I'm on the long road to it with another one as we speak.

But you just have to let it be natural. Let it run its course and perhaps you'll re-connect somewhere down the road, wiser, more mature, and with a better perspective on what your frienship(s) means to each of you.

Or maybe not. It could all crash and burn and you can end up hating each other. The harder you fight for it and hang onto it, the more likely that'll happen.

IMO. of course.

JackieBlue said:

True. It sure feels rotton though, and whenever we meet I put this bullshit stupid act like we were talking ALL night.

Pride is a bitch, I tell you.

errant said:

Thats what I'm afraid of.

Sometimes people can go through an inner process of change that they feel no one else understands, which may cause them to pull back from those they are closest to. I would just let her know that you've noticed that there seems to be a little distance, and that you just want her to know that you are there for her if/when she needs you. Then leave it alone. You've let her know that you are available to her if she needs you, and that alone will mean a lot to her to know that you care enough to be available to her.

this is a difficult place to be, i've been there too. it hurts your heart and it sucks

but in the end, i think you'll see that things turned out just how they were supposed to

Imago said:

its happened 2 me more than once

i guess im just not that likeable.

Perhaps I'm blessed, but I always found that another door opened as the other was closing.

My best of best friends are still in my life. I do feel one or two drifting from me, and it is true, as your values change, some may fall away. For the most part, I have a friendship with a woman that is going on 25 years. That is one HELL of a friend and somehow we still really like each other.

We also live on other sides of the country too.

ride it out. i have a group of friends i call my family for about 6 years we did everything together. than we all kinda started going off in different directions and now we all are back together in some form but it's different. friendships go in cycles.

it's happened so many times that even the current friendships I have, I always feel like they will be gone somewhere, and find myself sabotaging them in some way.

my "best" friend, is still my friend, but we've grown apart alot! we've been friends for 10 years, and since i married, it just hasn't been as close of a friendship. i just think our lives have went in different directions in many ways, he's still single and playing in bands, and i'm married with a 4 year old. so we don't have alot in common. but, he will always be my best friend in my mind, and part of my family. it's one of those friendships, that even if you go without talking for a year, if you see the person you kind of pick up where you left off.

a few months ago, a very close female friend of mine really betrayed our friendship and my trust, so for me our friendship is over. i don't trust easily, so once you break that trust with me in such a cruel way, it's over. i grieve over losing her as a friend, but life goes on.

I have just ONE longtime friend from high school left.
People change and relationships change.

As you go through life, you meet different people and make new friends, then often lose those as well and make new ones.

Just a part of life I guess.

How close is she? Close enough to simply bring up this issue with her?

Cinnie said:

slut!

I think that friends come into our lives at different times for different reasons and I think that they kind of fit in with our current situations and life experiences.

I had a group of friends that I was very close to from the age of about 17 to when I had my first daughter at 26 (at which time I met and became very close to a new circle of friends, who were also having their first babies) We grew apart because I was entering into a different stage of my life that they couldn't really identify with. It was a little strained at the time, but now that most of them are now settled down we've hooked back up again. I was a bit nervous about seeing them again after such a long gap (almost 5 years) but it was almost like we'd never been apart and spent all night laughing about the daft things we'd got up to during our nights out together We're now working on making new memories to laugh about.

I know it's hard to see someone you love drifting away from you, but I think it's important not to push too hard. My advice would be to let her know that you're still there for her, but then get out there and make new friends... after all, friends are like shoes - If they don't fit, then they can become really uncomfortable... and you can never have too many!

Harlepolis said:

I usually just let it go and take it's course. I have done that with several relationships in my life, as the person showed me they wanted to be in my life less I have let them, and when they came back it was cool, not as close but still cool. I am still waiting for some of them, but I have found that as we grow older the people who were genuine and loving will come back, maybe in a different way but they will come back if you don't burn the bridge. In a different way but in the way they are intended to be in your life and you in theirs at that particular time.

My "best friend" and I became friends in 1985-1986. It was only recently that I decided to let the friendship dissipate. For many years we were closer than sisters. With no sexual connotations here...we loved each other.

I had noticed for about the last year or so that we really didn't have much in common any more. Plus it always seemed like I was the one trying to pursue the friendship. I would call her, I would ask her to do things. Frequently she wouldn't call me back and rarely did things with me anymore.

Finally this past November when she ditched me for a charity event to benefit domestic abuse, literally a half hour before we were supposed to be there, I washed my hands of her. She has not called me since.

That tells me that it's for the best. I've had enough drama in my life to waste my precious time and energy on a friendship that apparently was no longer there anyway. Relationships die.

In other words...life is too short. There are people out there who will actually like you and want to spend time with you. If that means it's only your siblings, parents and mother-in-law (as in my case), then embrace them. You shouldn't have to try to make a friendship work. If it's a true friendship, it just will.

dustysgirl said:

I wasn't that cool with my family untill I moved to another country. Whenever I came back home, my friends would be so hung up about my "change" they forgot that I still LOVED them, while my family stuck with me.

Its kind of a relief, I'm content to have my family in my corner but it still hurts to see relationships I invested SO much in go to waste.

Anxiety said:

Yeah, nothing can be forced,
sometimes that is what will shove the wedge between the two and draw them further apart.
They may need their space.

A friend of mine has some issues and we were close for a while,
I was the only one she felt like could understand her,
but after we've gotten so close,
she decided that was too close and drove a wedge between us and no matter what I do,
it's always there.
I feel terrible, but I respect her space and used to hope that one day she would get over that.
But now she's become a stranger to me and we've just grown apart.
We barely say hi to each other anymore.
It's sad.

Harlepolis said:

I usually tell them how I feel - then give space and respect their action/ lack of ... go with the flow


the KEY word in relationship(s) is SHIP - movement on the waves - up and down to and fro ... movement, flow, back and forth

i corrected a problem i had for years, which was that i seemed to invest and care way more for my friends than they actually cared or invested in me. now i am able to better tell who is really there for me and who isn't.

I'm a bit afraid that I might be in a similar situation at the moment. I don't know what is the best to do. Maybe just let things be the way they are.

I'm dealing with the same thing, altho this is one of my newer best friends of about six years. It's been odd to go from hanging out, talking, and texting nearly three or more days a week to three or four months of no communication, which has happened twice in the last year. To me the change has been so drastic, and what hurts more is the unresolved issues that comes up. I can't just pick up again and act like it's hunky-dory, nor do I want to initiate it when it's the friend who doesn't want to communicate. Of course everybody is busy, but there's also something that I call "avoidance busy." Must stay or claim being busy so I don't have to deal with you.

I've been thinking about it alot this year and more so the last couple of months, and I'm at the point of just letting her go and not even make any more attempts. What also kills me is when a situation arises and when the talkative folks want to run away or give the silent treatment. I'm more on the introverted side, but best believe I want to resolve the issue soon and move on. I don't get folks who do that. On the other side, I think it's time to not add any more Geminis in my life. They are too much work. I'm used to the friendships of more than 10 years, whom you see maybe three times a year, get in touch five times by phone or email, but not feel strange about it cuz they are married with children, live in another country or whatever. The close proximity newer relationships have worked my nerves over the last six years. But I agree, that you shouldn't have to invest more in the relationship when the other person isn't doing their part. That's the biggest sign of where it's going. It hurts, but sometimes it's better to let them go, or at least listen to what your heart is saying.