Lawd, yall, this shit is going to read like one of Supa’s threads.

I've been offered a job. It's making about as much as I was making before, and with the same benefits.

It's with the same company that laid me off. The hilarity of the situation is that it's doing something I'm an expert in doing--application scripting and network systems management.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I turned it down this morning, despite not having worked in months.


You see, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy in my job and company prior to being laid off. And what's the point in going back to something you're not happy with? Although financially, it would be a blessing for me to just slip back into work in a company I’m familiar with, doing something I am very good at--spiritually, it would be going back to doing the same old same old, wouldn’t it?

I am not the same person I was last year. Indeed I am not even the same person I was a couple of months ago. Everything has changed. I am completely uninterested in this position. The house, the cars, the goddamned kayak---nothing. Just a bunch of shit I finance… and for what?

In the past few months, since last fall, so many doors have closed on me. So many roads dead ended. So many things I thought were potentially materializing ended up being illusory in nature. Week after week of letdowns, month after month of bad news, and half a year of soul destroying revelations can leave you quite jaded. I do not pretend to be Job tested by an angry and jealous God. Nor do I think I’m unusual or unique in my circumstances. Hell, I don’t even think they’re remarkable in the bigger scheme of things.
But I’m a sensitive person. A man-child. A boy going through the motions of being grown up. My professional life has always been a struggle. I have always had to work harder than the ‘other’ guy to get where I needed to go. I have never had anything just handed to me. So being laid off, despite having a perfect track record and nothing but praise from my colleagues and clients….well, that really hurt.

I slept less than a combined 12 hours the first week after the layoff. Then I ate myself into an unhealthy state. I punished myself for feeling punished .
I poured myself into a cup and let the devil sip it at his leisure. There is a loneliness in trying to fix a broken life that I can not even begin to describe. I’m a clumsy, jealous, foolish man, and can barely handle dealing with a bad week, let alone a collapse in my professional or personal life.

Prince [FAM alert] said when things were dark he withdrew into ‘self’. Well, I withdrew into self too. But Prince had a vision. He had drive. He worked his ass off to perfect his craft. Me? I just fell apart and let the pieces fall where they did. And I felt that I could share this with nobody.
The worst thing about hating your life but loving others is that you don’t want them to feel or bare any of your burden. It’s like tainting those around you. But there I was for the first time in years asking myself, “Dan, what is the point of all this? Why is every week the same as the one before it? And why are all my friends going through their business so happy and content to live their lives the way they are?”

I was not meant to live a mundane life. I was not meant to walk down local streets that I know like the back of my hand, reminiscing on past adventures I had in this or that local haunt. I was not meant to grow old before my eyes and watch my friends marry off and raise families while I sat idly by trying to sound interested about their newly enlightened lives. Too straight to be a ‘scene queen’ and sufficiently gay enough to never conform to a whole domesticated straight life, I simply wasn’t meant for anything prepackaged--no, my life is ala cart.
For a long time, I felt this nagging tug in my gut that the party would come to an end. But in reality the party was over years ago. When the guest have all turned to vapor and withdrawn into their own little smokey lives, will I be the only face left at the bar? That guy that everyone feels sorry for? The ‘local’ face drained of youth and beauty with no interesting story to tell except some lurid sexual conquests that ultimately left me feeling little more than used and disgusted with men and women?

My dear friend Karen told me recently something that hangs in my mind. She said, “Dan--do you understand your own worth? You’re universe is much larger than most can imagine it to be. And yet you box yourself in. You don’t love yourself for the wonderful person you are. ”.

And I realize now that I lived the life that I’ve lived for years and years because it is true. I do NOT love myself they way I should. If I loved myself, I would not be stuck in a job I hated. If I loved myself, I would not have let my body go. If I loved myself, I would not feel the need to live my life as according to some mundane, socially acceptable script.

If I loved myself, I would not take the job. And I didn’t.
I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be that person again.
I don’t want to go back to relationships, professional or otherwise, that hurt me. That make me something I know I’m not supposed to be.

So, I turned it down. And I’m going far far away.
I think I’ll start that book I keep talking about during my travels…




ANYBODY GONE THROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS OF YOUR OWN? I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT AND COMPARE NOTES.

i went through a midlife crisis just trying to get through that long ass post.

Anxiety said:

You should partake of spooning my arse and slurping it's digestive soup for nutrition and concentration.

Anxiety said:

Dan we all go through periods where we feel like this and question everything ...wonder if there is more...ur not alone
It's just a moment in time...it will change again .....try to enjoy the moment .....it will be gone before u know it.....
U are to wonderful to be unhappy for long ....I don't believe its in ur nature
oh and its sounds like u know u made the right decision about the job

Anxiety said:

Not that I would know anything about MID LIFE ...seeing as Im so young and all

I hear ya. I'm going through something a bit like that at 27.

Smoking, drinking, not looking after myself, wondering when I became this person who doesn't eat well or treat their body well, who can't even think straight or begin to set his mind to doing something because he's pissed at not living right and being more focused. And not only that. What happened to spirituality? I've been telling myself I'm that disciplined person with certain personal values I hold dear, just experiencing a blip, but the truth is I'm not that person anymore and I need a reality check.

It's one thing for me to confess I'm not driven, not ambitious, to claim I'm selfless and care only about my family's happiness, having a roof over my head and food to eat and not wanting for anything else, but it's silly to think I'm this serene individual who's always happy and carefree and unfettered when I'm more like a plain old bum.

I can't do anything right now, not properly or well. I'm just coasting along, but not in an easy-going, content kind of way. I'm finding myself getting more anxious and I don't like it.

.
[Edited 5/1/09 18:48pm]

ocean said:

Funny thing is I'm not really unhappy. I'm just ... regretful.

It feels like the entire fabric of my professional life (which is a BIG part of how I identified myself) was illusory in nature.

And now I have to just move on. Kill off that part of my life and venture forth.


I'm not going into details about where I will be going or headed, but I can say it is so radically different from anything I've experienced , and considering my military days, that says something.

Imago said:

Fauxie said:

Damn this took guts.

You're pretty damned useless, but I have a tendency to inspire people.
You'll see.

Anxiety said:

Oh

my

GAAAAAHHHHH x 1 billion

I can't stop laughing at that



Stop. jacking. my. thread.!!!!!

Aren't you like a mod or some shit?

ocean said:

In Sea Turtle years, sure.

Imago said:

Regret is focusing on the past .....stop that ...I have no pearls of wisdom so I'll just bash u across the head a few times instead

Imago said:

I hate you

ocean said:

Not necessarily.

I regret what sinisterpentatonic may post next.

But on the real, I don't know anything about you or your situation other than what you've shared in this thread. And it seems to my untrained eye that you are definitely self-aware and analyzing yourself to see how you can live a truer life. You already know that to do that you must start by TRULY loving yourself, knowing your value, and not settling for mediocrity or the bullshit society tries to feed us. But more than knowing this you have to BELIEVE it unwaveringly and unapologetically to your core and stay true to that belief.

Turning down that job, for you, was a step in the right direction of your journey. Another approach, could've been to take the job and get what YOU want and need out of the opportunity. Doing it on YOUR terms. But if they had such a negative impact on you the first time around maybe it's for the best that you stay out of that environment. A bitch likes me woulda went back and let 'em have it to no end, but that's me.

On the other hand you could be hormonal or in need of some cock, but I don't know you well enough to know for sure.

Imago said:

... double post
[Edited 5/1/09 19:05pm]

SCNDLS said:

THis may come as a surprise to some, but I'm not a fan of cock. Especially big cock. The guys attached to them, sure. But I much prefer buttholes.

Then again, I much prefer vaginas. Vaginas are like the acrobatic atheletes of sexual organs you can drill. They outlast buttholes for ages.


But I digress.

I thought about going back to the job , in Delaware with a new, fresh, attitude, then I realized, that I have wanted a new direction for too long to be content with it. So the answer would have still be 'no' in my heart.

Imago said:

WIKI!

Imago said:

Okay so take two and call me in the morning.

SCNDLS said:

...I think I just choked

All last night I had the shits to the tune of 8 or 9 trips to the bathroom. My chest hurts too. I get aches from the top of my chest down to my stomach. I've also got a headache and I'm so tired I could cry. I'm reluctant to even have sex with my wife because my chest hurts so much I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. Sometimes my heart rate just inexplicably speeds up when I'm not even doing any physical activity whatsoever. Four days ago I decided to stop drinking. Yesterday I quit smoking. I'm not going to do anything for the next week except drink tea, juice or water, eat fruit and simple 'clean' foods, curl up on my bed and try to get through each day. I'm so needy now, I'll have to have my wife there next to me, just watching TV and cuddling up together, to listen to me whinge and whine about how I feel until I feel better. When I'm ready I'll start working out again. I feel sick right now, through and through, and yet oddly I don't feel like I'm that far away from feeling awesome again. I know I've got it in me.

Fauxie said:

I felt similar in early march, except when I had human contact it made me feel like throwing up.

that's just it isn't it? You KNOW you have it in you, but it's like you're waiting around to be pushed into a corner. Like you're waiting to be burnt to ashes before some phoenix in you soars out of them.

Well, bitch, you ain't Dumbledoor. Get crackin NOW!
[Edited 5/1/09 19:24pm]

Well, I don't mean NOW persay. Wait until the shits are over.

Fauxie said:

...men are such babies when their sick lol ..... hope u feel beet soon hun
[Edited 5/1/09 19:19pm]

Imago said:

Exactly, as if being a bit off track and sorting yourself out isn't better. You've got to reach the lowest low first. It's stupid. Why not now? Why not yesterday?? At some point there's a sick gratification in wallowing though. Thankfully that doesn't last.

Fauxie said:

Wanna help me cowrite some books?



I could use a good editor too.