Have you ever had to stand your ground on something you believe strongly in, even when you might be hurting someone else?

I hate feeling conflicted.

What helps you when you know you're doing the right thing, but have nagging guilt about making another person feel bad in the process? How do you shake off the guilty feelings and stand your ground without caving, even as someone else is trying to make you feel bad about it?

Which moderator is it? I can tell you if it's worth it or not.

FunkMistress said:

If someone else is trying to make me feel bad about standing my ground, all they succeed in doing is pissing me off and become more stubborn about it lol ...

I jus remind myself that my health and well-being is wat matters most and try not to let my emotional side over-ride logic.

I'm standing my ground right now and it's costing me my ENTIRE family (blood realtives...). They refuse to see how they've hurt me, my wife and the effect that has on my family. It's the reason we're leaving and it's incredibly difficult, heartbreaking to tell the truth...

I can't remember a time where I've felt this much conviction and had to stand my ground this adamantly. The conflict is excruciating. I, for one, feel for you FM!

Imago said:

Smooches;)

RenHoek said:

Thank you, Ren.

This post really helps.

My situation, while far less dramatic and serious than yours, also involves my blood relatives refusing to see how they are hurting the family I have created through my marriage.

I am so conflicted, because the relatives in question are going through some very hard times of their own. But my immediate family is my world, and anyone who hurts my children - ANY of my children, biological or inherited - will be called on their shit no matter what. I am adamant about that, I have to be.

But it sucks that I feel like I have to choose.

JerseyKRS said:

FUCK YOU JERSEY

FunkMistress said:

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[Edited 5/3/09 19:21pm]

Yes I have and I have lost people over my "ground"

I remind myself that their issues are THEIR issues and no matter how they try to word it or turn their issue around on me, that MY choice is mine and is right and good for me! If they do not want to support my choice then I wish them well anyway and walk on

It is never my intention to hurt another though I know that sometimes my choices or actions may we all have been or will be on both sides of that fence

When I know I am doing the right thing for me then I can move forward and not feel as much need to listen to ( take on ) the guilt. It can actually fule my path when people do try to toss that at me

FunkMistress said:

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[Edited 5/3/09 19:22pm]

heybaby said:

I too agree 100%

Mach said:

Thank you, Mach.

This helps a lot.

Mach said:

People are continuing to throw guilt trips at me, and I am trying to be gentle and not hurtful. The person I am dealing with lost her mother three months ago, who was also extremely dear to me. She, and her husband, are trying to throw that in my face when it has nothing to do with the situation at hand.

I'm reading Mach's post over and over again to help me remember to not get sucked in by other people's issues. It's so hard when I truly care about them. It hurts that they feel I'm being an insensitive asshole for daring to defend my children.

Imago said:

FunkMistress said:

...trying to make u feel guilty and using her mothers death to get you to do/feel what she wants, shows that she is being manipulative and has no grounds for the real problem at hand ...sorry ur going through that hun

ocean said:

I feel terrible even putting this out there. She knows I frequent this site, and knows my username. It's possible that she will come across this thread.

But I value this community, and I really needed to seek some support on this. I think you're right, Ocean, but it feels like a betrayal of her to even acknowledge that. (Codependency issues, anyone?)

FunkMistress said:

If she comes across this thread ..Hopefully rather than reacting first with anger and defense as we often do ... she will see how sincere u are being...how its hurting u and how u do indeed feel bad for her...but also that all ur kids and ur husband have to come first ..as they should

ocean said:

Her husband also showed his true colors on the issue of my kids in a message he posted on my Facebook page (God, this all sounds so silly, but it's how most of us communicate these days, I guess.) He was totally dismissive of my kids and basically said "boo hoo, she forgot your stepkids." They know that "step" is not in our vocabulary. Our children are our children, and dismissing them in that way while throwing his mother-in-law's death in my face really showed me who he is. I told him he does NOT get to define who is my child and who is not, and reiterated to him that this has NOTHING to do with the passing of his wife's mother, who was also my favorite aunt.

As soon as I received the call about her mother's passing, I literally depleted my savings to fly back home to be with her that very same day. I would NEVER throw that up in her face, because that was MY choice. But it just blows my mind that it's being used to make me feel bad for expecting equal (NOT special, simply equal) treatment for all of my children - something Christopher's family has done for my girls with open arms from day one. And again, one has nothing to do with the other. I just don't understand it.

FunkMistress said:

That doesn't sound like someone ur going to convince.... ...If only we could shake people and make them suddenly see the light...I guess really, we just have to see it instead ..by allowing them to think what they like and not letting it affect us...after telling them off of course In the end their shallowness is their loss

ocean said:

This is true. I need to let them have their issues, and be content with the fact that I expressed where I was coming from, knowing that it is not my intention to hurt anyone, and just move on. It sucks, but being an honest and authentic grownup is not always the easy road, is it?

I just hope that this doesn't mean the end of our relationship. I still love her just as much as I have all our lives. We have been like twin sisters for 31 years. But at the end of the day, my immediate family comes first, and I will defend and protect my kids from anyone trying to hurt them in any way. No matter what.

FunkMistress said:

She should love u enough to respect that

ocean said:

I think she is consumed with her grief, and with taking care of her ill father, and feels that respecting me is the last thing she should be thinking of right now. Which I suppose I can understand, since I'm coming from a similar place in that my immediate family is my focus.

I just wish it hadn't gotten so nasty so quickly. It was not my intention. I did not expect them to lash out at me with such anger and venom. It has all escalated today, and I'm trying to remember that they are frustrated and hurting. Maybe I haven't been as supportive as I should have been.

FunkMistress said:

Damn girl... from the sound of it you need a more than I do! It's hard bein' painted the black sheep... Take good care!

FunkMistress said:

Wow ..she has alot on her plate...emotions running high I imagine...just give it some time to calm down hun .....ur all probably a little sensitive right now....maybe she does see ur point but is frustrated u got upset as her mind was not on how u would take it and rather on what she is dealing with .....
[Edited 5/3/09 20:10pm]

Sometimes nothing helps. You just have to do it for your own peace of mind.

Also, sometimes folk (relatives, in my case) are aware of your conflicted feelings and will totally use that to their advantage.

No, I don't think so.

Hang tough, hon.

heybaby, thanks for your notes.

You kick ass.

Thanks, everyone. I have been standing my ground and trying to stay calm and compassionate at the same time.

They seem to have calmed down a bit and at least quit attacking for the moment.

It's difficult trying to strike a balance between having compassion and staying true to myself and my family.