BUZZED
by Noah Baumbach
MAY 4, 2009


To learn more about the biochemistry of addiction, scientists in Australia dropped liquefied freebase cocaine on bees’ backs, so it entered the circulatory system and brain.
The scientists found that bees react much like humans do: cocaine alters their judgment, stimulates their behavior and makes them exaggeratedly enthusiastic about things that might not otherwise excite them.
—The Times.

h, my God, get over here . . . hurry . . . come on come on come on. Taste this nectar, taste it, taste it. . . . Slurp. . . . Is that not, is that not the best fucking thing you’ve ever had? Like nectar of the fucking Gods! It’s like the greatest hits of nectar. A double-album greatest hits, like those red and blue Beatles records where they’re looking down at us off a balcony but they have facial hair in one of them. Oh, my God, I just flew over to this, to this lily. Look at me on the lily?! Is that not, is that not so weird? I’m like buzzing around and then I land. . . . I don’t know why that struck me as so odd just then. My little feet on the petal. Is that odd? It seems so funny to me. Oh, my God, you gotta try this pollen. It’s so fucking . . . it’s better than the nectar, even. This is the best fucking pollen I’ve ever had. God, I so badly wanna just go sting the fuck out of someone, you know? Just land on their ass and sting. . . . I’m so fucking jazzed right now. And then I hope they’re allergic and they just blow up! We gotta get out of this hive, we gotta get mobile . . . “Going Mobile”! The Who was a good band. Let’s go find a picnic or some sunbathers or something. . . . I’d love some coconut suntan lotion or a . . . beer. Wouldn’t you love a six-pack of Stella Artois right now? That’s the best beer. Stel-la! That was actually a pretty good imitation, don’t you think? The guy who played him in the movie, the “Streetcar” . . . who am I thinking of? It’s on the tip of my . . . Jesus, what’s wrong with me I can’t come up with this dude’s name? . . . Or how about, how about: a coconut Stella Artois beer?! Wouldn’t that be the best and you could spread it all over your body and it’s U.V. 1,000 or 1,000 proof or something. God, I want to sting someone. . . . Oh, my God, my antennae are like supersensitive right now. . . . Don’t . . . don’t touch . . . I said don’t! It’s O.K., it’s cool, it’s cool. You see that little bee . . . you see that little drone? Trigona minima! Amo, amas, amat. Let’s go over and beat the living crap out of him. I don’t know why, but I just hate him right now. He’s so small and smug. . . . Look at that bee . . . just look at him. . . . Oh, my God, there’s a picnic. Let’s totally go there right now. . . . I think this fat kid’s allergic . . . I’m so going to sting him! Oh, my God, he’s totally swatting me . . . did you see that dude’s face! Fucking hilarious. He was all, like, “It’s a bee, it’s a bee!” And his mom was all, like, “Don’t aggravate him!” Aggravate him is right! I’ll go ballistic on you, tubby! Marlon Brando! Stel-la! Got it. I’m on fire. Let’s do another line. I don’t know, behind that hibiscus, I don’t give a fuck. What do you mean, I did the last of it? I just need a bump. We should totally fly downtown, score some more blow, and get back here before the picnic breaks up and then do more coke. God, I’d kill for a cigarette. I’m gonna start smoking, I know, I know, but I look so fucking debonair when I do it. I wish we had some tunes. Early Van Halen or . . . you know what would be perfect right now? The Smiths. I’m serious. “Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious.” There’s that yellow jacket, Devin, by the potato salad. Do you think he’s got any blow? He’s a great guy, just a really great laid-back kinda no-cares-in-the-world but totally together guy and very funny but easygoing and totally disarming and I think he’d really appreciate our sort of world view and be a nice addition to our hive. . . . I’m totally fucking with you! He’s a total prick. Let’s kick the shit out of him and steal his coke. There’s that fat kid again. I’m going to sting this whole family! “Aah!” They’re running! I’m buzzing, I’m buzzing, I’m buzzing, this is incredible. I’m in the car! I’m in the car. I’m in the car! Everyone’s screaming and flailing and . . . this is lame, get me out. . . . I’ll fly out this window and . . . Ow! Wait a minute, and . . . Ow! Ow! Ow! What the fuck? It’s like a . . . ow! . . . clear force field. . . . Whoa, I just totally accidentally stung the mother. . . . Sorry, but you’re like moving so much and this force field is killing me. . . . Ow. . . . Oh, wait, the force field is rolling down and . . . Ahh! Did you see me? I was totally in a moving car. So crazy. Wait, wait, head rush. I’m woozy. I gotta sit, I gotta . . . Where’s a pistil or a stamen when you need one? . . . This spilled soda will do for the moment. . . . Wait, slow down, slow down, slow down. . . . My heart is racing . . . gotta relax . . . gotta . . . say something soothing . . . I don’t know . . . talk about honey or strawberry jam. . . . I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die. . . . Where’d you get this shit? I think it’s laced with insecticide or something. . . . My heart is going like a mile a millisecond. It’s going to burst through my thorax and all over the jacarandas. Ha! Stop making me laugh, stop it, stop it, I got pollen coming out of my nose. I need to sit down . . . I need . . . I can’t do this again . . . this is the last time, really . . . no, I mean it. . . . From now on, nothing stronger than honey. Jesus, the sun’s going down, where’d the day go, you wanna get dinner, I’m not getting any sleep tonight. ♦
ILLUSTRATION: LAURIE ROSENWALD

what were you expecting?

Where did the money come from to pay for this?

heybaby said:

i think they were just in the lab doing lines and hitting the pipe and someone got the

heybaby said:

i often think about this

not enough beds in a hospital for sick people.... yet we need to blow a chunk of change on finding out how dolphins react to porn.... or something