KatSkrizzle said:

KatSkrizzle said:

orgnotes

You see, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis.

Prince [FAM alert] said when things were dark he withdrew into ‘self’. Well, I withdrew into self too. But Prince had a vision. He had drive. He worked his ass off to perfect his craft. Me? I just fell apart and let the pieces fall where they did. And I felt that I could share this with nobody.
The worst thing about hating your life but loving others is that you don’t want them to feel or bare any of your burden.


I do NOT love myself they way I should.



ANYBODY GONE THROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS OF YOUR OWN? I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT AND COMPARE NOTES.

Imago said:

I am right there with you Dan...my life feels like it is spinning out of control and I have a front seat for the impending train wreck....I have no answers for you right now my friend...I wish you luck though...I am in the same boat and it's taking on water...you will be fine Dan!

pardonme4livin said:

I'm so sorry Ken

I know this doesn't fix your long term problems, but if you'd have sex with me, it would resolve some immediate pressures.


I was pretty aware that I wasn't unique during this period of time and that everyone is going through things. but it's nice to get these affirmations.


I prefer tighty whities over boxers if you want to make a good impression

The line that jumped out at me was "If I loved myself, I would not take the job. And I didn’t."

So, you love yourself. Don't worry, know that you are a good person, and that many people also love you.

And you'll be fine.

Too straight to be a ‘scene queen’ and sufficiently gay enough to never conform to a whole domesticated straight life,

I still don't get why you didn't take the job or no longer have the job that you excelled at. Isn't that sort of your calling, or niche, then?

Cinnie said:

I worked in Tampa. Colocation required that the Tampa site close down.
It was inevitable and they were trying to do it for 5 years.

I have no desire to take the job. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean you like it.

Imago said:

Even identifying as gay, I understood what you meant here. "Scene queen" is not something I can project myself into either.

Cinnie said:

I can totally relate to this, Dan. I truly never thought I'd find a partner I could be content with. Lesbians and their exhausting politics and dyke drama make me want to scream, but I also didn't ever think a domesticated life in a straight relationship would ever satisfy me. Then the perfect answer came and hit me on the side of the head without warning. A simple, uncomplicated man with enough Cancerian sensitivity to balance out his hypermasculinity. Someone to give me stability and security, but with just enough wildness and quirkiness to never, ever be boring. It exists. It doesn't have to be "this" or "that."

All I'm saying is, I know what it's like to feel like you're a little bit of everything - which can be nice sometimes, but can also make you feel like you'll never fit anywhere. It's enough to make you hate yourself and everyone else. Just be true to yourself and spend some time alone. It's what I did for several years, and I will always be happy I did.

Cinnie said:

I can totally relate to this, Dan. I truly never thought I'd find a partner I could be content with. Lesbians and their exhausting politics and dyke drama make me want to scream, but I also didn't ever think a domesticated life in a straight relationship would ever satisfy me. Then the perfect answer came and hit me on the side of the head without warning. A simple, uncomplicated man with enough Cancerian sensitivity to balance out his hypermasculinity. Someone to give me stability and security, but with just enough wildness and quirkiness to never, ever be boring. It exists. It doesn't have to be "this" or "that."

All I'm saying is, I know what it's like to feel like you're a little bit of everything - which can be nice sometimes, but can also make you feel like you'll never fit anywhere. It's enough to make you hate yourself and everyone else. Just be true to yourself and spend some time alone. It's what I did for several years, and I will always be happy I did.

So, Cinnie. Where do you fit in? What do you stress out about?

For a long time, I felt this nagging tug in my gut that the party would come to an end. But in reality the party was over years ago. When the guest have all turned to vapor and withdrawn into their own little smokey lives, will I be the only face left at the bar? That guy that everyone feels sorry for? The ‘local’ face drained of youth and beauty with no interesting story to tell except some lurid sexual conquests that ultimately left me feeling little more than used and disgusted with men and women?

You know, I'm really good at writing shit.

You guys have no idea.

Fauxie said:

It's not overly dramatic at all.

Don't get me wrong. It is a tad bit fem, and being a farang with resources and western connections most Thais only dream of obtaining you're predicament also seems a tad bit pussified. But certainly, it's not overly dramatic.


Here's how it works (FOR ME).

You wake up one day, after having exhausted weeks, months, or years allowing each day to be the same as the day before, not having moved in ANY direction that you consider to be progress, and realize that you're miserable. You either don't recognize the person you see in the mirror, or you're ashame of him/her and you don't want others to see that. So, you hide a way for a bit.

You then withdraw into "Self" and realize that there are certain reasons that put you in the position that you're in. And more or less these reasons are sequential in nature.
I believe your "sequence" is: Because you're smoking, you're contributing to being unhealthy. Because you're unhealthy your mind is not clear. Because your mind is not clear you can't pursue your spiritual quest. Because you're not as enlightened as you want to be.....you're not emotional in the right place to move on in life and do the things you need to do....

YOUR SEQUENTIAL LIST IS AN EXCUSE. It's completely an excuse. I have my own sequential list of things I need to accomplish at any given point in my life, and all the sequence ever does is slow me down.
Though I'm not doctor, from having studied patterns in my own life, I believe strongly that it all involves comfort zones. When our confidence is shaken our comfort zones shrink. And aside from doing all sorts of damage to our self-esteem and stifling progress in our lives, it fills large gaps of time with nothing but regrets.

Though I'm not 100% sure, I'm going to take a wild guess and say ignoring the comfort zone and allowing yourself to feel completely vulnerable, hurt, and even ridiculed .... and sticking to your new 'growth' despite these feelings of dread, is the only way to get anything done....and by default this expands your comfort zone.
IGNORE YOUR SEQUENTIAL LIST
Write out the things you want to do, and deliberately ignore your sequential list to spite those things--cause they are what slow you down.

For me, it's so many things that are very personal, so forgive me if I don't go into them.
For you, it's to further your spiritual grown, stop smoking, improve your health, and expand your experience into something healthier and more productive--all at the same time. Nobody says you can't sit and meditate or ponder spiritual endeavors while going through withdrawal syndromes and feeling absolutely knackered from having exercised that morning. Expand your comfort zone...and lose your addiction to comfort altogether.



Lawd, I feel good this morning.

You know, I'm really good at writing shit.

You guys have no idea.

Imago said:

This is the best and most relevant thread I've read, anywhere, in a long while. Your comment about moving out of your comfort zone is so accurate. I had a "Spiritual Rebirth" on August 8th, 1996 and moved to the opposite end of my spectrum ~ completely uncharted territory and scary as Hell. But God, was it exciting and I felt alive and driven. The thing is, standing ourside your comfort zone takes tremendous energy. It makes friends, family, partners very uncomfortable and they will fight with all they have to get you back into the fold. There may not be a lot of support (I was fortunate to have two amazing people backing me). You still have to live life ~ the routine mundane things ~ earning money, laundry, making food, paying bills, getting from here to there etc ~ which also takes energy. You have to be still at times and focused and internal to stay in that zone. The results are worth every excrutiating, lonely moment and once the boundaries are expanded you can't go back ~ slip? sure, but you've created a new standard and it beccomes your nature.

MoonSongs said:

Sometimes, I'm amazing huh?

I mean, you can admit it if you want. It's ok.

I can relate to A LOT of what you said in your originating post. Sounds like you've been going through a lot of the same stuff that I have. I'm glad you didn't take that job. I think you did the right thing. I hope things get better for you.

psychodelicide said:

I knew there had to be a reason for all your disturbing threads.
I hope you're doing ok, hun

Lawd, yall, this shit is going to read like one of Supa’s threads.

I've been offered a job. It's making about as much as I was making before, and with the same benefits.

It's with the same company that laid me off. The hilarity of the situation is that it's doing something I'm an expert in doing--application scripting and network systems management.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I turned it down this morning, despite not having worked in months.


You see, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy in my job and company prior to being laid off. And what's the point in going back to something you're not happy with? Although financially, it would be a blessing for me to just slip back into work in a company I’m familiar with, doing something I am very good at--spiritually, it would be going back to doing the same old same old, wouldn’t it?

I am not the same person I was last year. Indeed I am not even the same person I was a couple of months ago. Everything has changed. I am completely uninterested in this position. The house, the cars, the goddamned kayak---nothing. Just a bunch of shit I finance… and for what?

In the past few months, since last fall, so many doors have closed on me. So many roads dead ended. So many things I thought were potentially materializing ended up being illusory in nature. Week after week of letdowns, month after month of bad news, and half a year of soul destroying revelations can leave you quite jaded. I do not pretend to be Job tested by an angry and jealous God. Nor do I think I’m unusual or unique in my circumstances. Hell, I don’t even think they’re remarkable in the bigger scheme of things.
But I’m a sensitive person. A man-child. A boy going through the motions of being grown up. My professional life has always been a struggle. I have always had to work harder than the ‘other’ guy to get where I needed to go. I have never had anything just handed to me. So being laid off, despite having a perfect track record and nothing but praise from my colleagues and clients….well, that really hurt.

I slept less than a combined 12 hours the first week after the layoff. Then I ate myself into an unhealthy state. I punished myself for feeling punished .
I poured myself into a cup and let the devil sip it at his leisure. There is a loneliness in trying to fix a broken life that I can not even begin to describe. I’m a clumsy, jealous, foolish man, and can barely handle dealing with a bad week, let alone a collapse in my professional or personal life.

Prince [FAM alert] said when things were dark he withdrew into ‘self’. Well, I withdrew into self too. But Prince had a vision. He had drive. He worked his ass off to perfect his craft. Me? I just fell apart and let the pieces fall where they did. And I felt that I could share this with nobody.
The worst thing about hating your life but loving others is that you don’t want them to feel or bare any of your burden. It’s like tainting those around you. But there I was for the first time in years asking myself, “Dan, what is the point of all this? Why is every week the same as the one before it? And why are all my friends going through their business so happy and content to live their lives the way they are?”

I was not meant to live a mundane life. I was not meant to walk down local streets that I know like the back of my hand, reminiscing on past adventures I had in this or that local haunt. I was not meant to grow old before my eyes and watch my friends marry off and raise families while I sat idly by trying to sound interested about their newly enlightened lives. Too straight to be a ‘scene queen’ and sufficiently gay enough to never conform to a whole domesticated straight life, I simply wasn’t meant for anything prepackaged--no, my life is ala cart.
For a long time, I felt this nagging tug in my gut that the party would come to an end. But in reality the party was over years ago. When the guest have all turned to vapor and withdrawn into their own little smokey lives, will I be the only face left at the bar? That guy that everyone feels sorry for? The ‘local’ face drained of youth and beauty with no interesting story to tell except some lurid sexual conquests that ultimately left me feeling little more than used and disgusted with men and women?

My dear friend Karen told me recently something that hangs in my mind. She said, “Dan--do you understand your own worth? You’re universe is much larger than most can imagine it to be. And yet you box yourself in. You don’t love yourself for the wonderful person you are. ”.

And I realize now that I lived the life that I’ve lived for years and years because it is true. I do NOT love myself they way I should. If I loved myself, I would not be stuck in a job I hated. If I loved myself, I would not have let my body go. If I loved myself, I would not feel the need to live my life as according to some mundane, socially acceptable script.

If I loved myself, I would not take the job. And I didn’t.
I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be that person again.
I don’t want to go back to relationships, professional or otherwise, that hurt me. That make me something I know I’m not supposed to be.

So, I turned it down. And I’m going far far away.
I think I’ll start that book I keep talking about during my travels…




ANYBODY GONE THROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS OF YOUR OWN? I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT AND COMPARE NOTES.