TotalANXiousNESS said:

You totally should read it. You don't want to miss their part where I can't get into my bedroom cause a blue exercise ball is wedged in the corner preventing my door from opening.

evenstar3 said:

It hasn't come along for me and it's been a couple of years now. I needed to rekindle spiritual concerns before I could think about my health. I needed to deal with my health before I could think about the future and getting some kind of security. So the decline just continued and I wasn't quite sure who I was anymore. Sounds overly dramatic, and it is an exaggeration to some degree, but I do seem to have lost some of the qualities I was pleased to have and I've realised it's why I'm not as happy as I could be. Being pro-active was never one of those qualities though.

Imago said:

I want to see a large version of u avie mr grrrrr

Fine... *rolls up sleeves*

it's soul baring time...

In '99 I moved back to the states from Germany with my new wife, Maria to start a new life and take over the family business. 4 years later I was ousted from said position by my sister and since have had nothing but trouble due to her and my mother conspiring against my wife and I... go figure.

Now 10 years later, I've had it!! I'm in the process of getting my shit together and we're moving back to Germany in the hopes that the next 10 years there will be more fruitful.

In the course of my Exodus this means that I'm leaving the Bay Area, which I love dearly. I was born and raised here fer chrissakes! I will be closing the business that I founded, slaved over, nurtured and loved. I will be giving up sailing for a time, but sailing on the Bay is said to be the Holy Grail of Sailing so to leave that is ! I need to sell ALL of the things that I've worked so hard to gain and even though it's really not that much those pieces that I do own mean so much to me. The Volvo, the VW convertible, the Flatscreen, the surround sound... sure it may just sound like stuff but it's all been recently paid off... it was finally OURS!

Now I do look forward to starting from scratch but I'm 37 with a wife and 2 kids... a risky move that scares the bejeezus outta me but you only live once and based on the last ten years... it' time for a do-over...

It's mostly about my kids to be honest... I want them to grow up with a more worldly sense of being and the internationality of Europe holds that appeal... I believe that the education they can receive there would be better than what's available here in Oakland and this move will certainly shield them from the mindless violence that is woven into this city's fabric, 124 killed in 2008 and as of April 28 we're up to 32. Ridiculous!!

So that's it in a nutshell, I could delve deeper into the whole family trauma but at this point I'm not feeling it. I'm focused on MY family, MY daughters and MY wife.

That is all...



Oh and I lurve all y'all too, for the record!

Dan, Nick, Ren and Laurel

There are a lot of things I can relate here with.

But since it's 8.35am here I think I better can start cleaning my kitchen before even try to respond to this topic


Stay well everyone and Ren...your family will do well in Germany

ocean said:

Sorry, I'm reading the posts backwards from latest to earliest

There is no larger version of that picture. I created it in photoshop, shrunk it, and used it for an avvie.

I can create a larger one for you if you'd like.

Lawd, yall, this shit is going to read like one of Supa’s threads.

I've been offered a job. It's making about as much as I was making before, and with the same benefits.

It's with the same company that laid me off. The hilarity of the situation is that it's doing something I'm an expert in doing--application scripting and network systems management.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I turned it down this morning, despite not having worked in months.


You see, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy in my job and company prior to being laid off. And what's the point in going back to something you're not happy with? Although financially, it would be a blessing for me to just slip back into work in a company I’m familiar with, doing something I am very good at--spiritually, it would be going back to doing the same old same old, wouldn’t it?

I am not the same person I was last year. Indeed I am not even the same person I was a couple of months ago. Everything has changed. I am completely uninterested in this position. The house, the cars, the goddamned kayak---nothing. Just a bunch of shit I finance… and for what?

In the past few months, since last fall, so many doors have closed on me. So many roads dead ended. So many things I thought were potentially materializing ended up being illusory in nature. Week after week of letdowns, month after month of bad news, and half a year of soul destroying revelations can leave you quite jaded. I do not pretend to be Job tested by an angry and jealous God. Nor do I think I’m unusual or unique in my circumstances. Hell, I don’t even think they’re remarkable in the bigger scheme of things.
But I’m a sensitive person. A man-child. A boy going through the motions of being grown up. My professional life has always been a struggle. I have always had to work harder than the ‘other’ guy to get where I needed to go. I have never had anything just handed to me. So being laid off, despite having a perfect track record and nothing but praise from my colleagues and clients….well, that really hurt.

I slept less than a combined 12 hours the first week after the layoff. Then I ate myself into an unhealthy state. I punished myself for feeling punished .
I poured myself into a cup and let the devil sip it at his leisure. There is a loneliness in trying to fix a broken life that I can not even begin to describe. I’m a clumsy, jealous, foolish man, and can barely handle dealing with a bad week, let alone a collapse in my professional or personal life.

Prince [FAM alert] said when things were dark he withdrew into ‘self’. Well, I withdrew into self too. But Prince had a vision. He had drive. He worked his ass off to perfect his craft. Me? I just fell apart and let the pieces fall where they did. And I felt that I could share this with nobody.
The worst thing about hating your life but loving others is that you don’t want them to feel or bare any of your burden. It’s like tainting those around you. But there I was for the first time in years asking myself, “Dan, what is the point of all this? Why is every week the same as the one before it? And why are all my friends going through their business so happy and content to live their lives the way they are?”

I was not meant to live a mundane life. I was not meant to walk down local streets that I know like the back of my hand, reminiscing on past adventures I had in this or that local haunt. I was not meant to grow old before my eyes and watch my friends marry off and raise families while I sat idly by trying to sound interested about their newly enlightened lives. Too straight to be a ‘scene queen’ and sufficiently gay enough to never conform to a whole domesticated straight life, I simply wasn’t meant for anything prepackaged--no, my life is ala cart.
For a long time, I felt this nagging tug in my gut that the party would come to an end. But in reality the party was over years ago. When the guest have all turned to vapor and withdrawn into their own little smokey lives, will I be the only face left at the bar? That guy that everyone feels sorry for? The ‘local’ face drained of youth and beauty with no interesting story to tell except some lurid sexual conquests that ultimately left me feeling little more than used and disgusted with men and women?

My dear friend Karen told me recently something that hangs in my mind. She said, “Dan--do you understand your own worth? You’re universe is much larger than most can imagine it to be. And yet you box yourself in. You don’t love yourself for the wonderful person you are. ”.

And I realize now that I lived the life that I’ve lived for years and years because it is true. I do NOT love myself they way I should. If I loved myself, I would not be stuck in a job I hated. If I loved myself, I would not have let my body go. If I loved myself, I would not feel the need to live my life as according to some mundane, socially acceptable script.

If I loved myself, I would not take the job. And I didn’t.
I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be that person again.
I don’t want to go back to relationships, professional or otherwise, that hurt me. That make me something I know I’m not supposed to be.

So, I turned it down. And I’m going far far away.
I think I’ll start that book I keep talking about during my travels…




ANYBODY GONE THROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS OF YOUR OWN? I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT AND COMPARE NOTES.

This does mean, XxaxX (god, I hate typing that name. It's sooooo difficult), that I will not be able to go the salon for a while and will need to settle with barbers.

Lawd, yall, this shit is going to read like one of Supa’s threads.

I've been offered a job. It's making about as much as I was making before, and with the same benefits.

It's with the same company that laid me off. The hilarity of the situation is that it's doing something I'm an expert in doing--application scripting and network systems management.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I turned it down this morning, despite not having worked in months.


You see, I think I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I was unhappy in my job and company prior to being laid off. And what's the point in going back to something you're not happy with? Although financially, it would be a blessing for me to just slip back into work in a company I’m familiar with, doing something I am very good at--spiritually, it would be going back to doing the same old same old, wouldn’t it?

I am not the same person I was last year. Indeed I am not even the same person I was a couple of months ago. Everything has changed. I am completely uninterested in this position. The house, the cars, the goddamned kayak---nothing. Just a bunch of shit I finance… and for what?

In the past few months, since last fall, so many doors have closed on me. So many roads dead ended. So many things I thought were potentially materializing ended up being illusory in nature. Week after week of letdowns, month after month of bad news, and half a year of soul destroying revelations can leave you quite jaded. I do not pretend to be Job tested by an angry and jealous God. Nor do I think I’m unusual or unique in my circumstances. Hell, I don’t even think they’re remarkable in the bigger scheme of things.
But I’m a sensitive person. A man-child. A boy going through the motions of being grown up. My professional life has always been a struggle. I have always had to work harder than the ‘other’ guy to get where I needed to go. I have never had anything just handed to me. So being laid off, despite having a perfect track record and nothing but praise from my colleagues and clients….well, that really hurt.

I slept less than a combined 12 hours the first week after the layoff. Then I ate myself into an unhealthy state. I punished myself for feeling punished .
I poured myself into a cup and let the devil sip it at his leisure. There is a loneliness in trying to fix a broken life that I can not even begin to describe. I’m a clumsy, jealous, foolish man, and can barely handle dealing with a bad week, let alone a collapse in my professional or personal life.

Prince [FAM alert] said when things were dark he withdrew into ‘self’. Well, I withdrew into self too. But Prince had a vision. He had drive. He worked his ass off to perfect his craft. Me? I just fell apart and let the pieces fall where they did. And I felt that I could share this with nobody.
The worst thing about hating your life but loving others is that you don’t want them to feel or bare any of your burden. It’s like tainting those around you. But there I was for the first time in years asking myself, “Dan, what is the point of all this? Why is every week the same as the one before it? And why are all my friends going through their business so happy and content to live their lives the way they are?”

I was not meant to live a mundane life. I was not meant to walk down local streets that I know like the back of my hand, reminiscing on past adventures I had in this or that local haunt. I was not meant to grow old before my eyes and watch my friends marry off and raise families while I sat idly by trying to sound interested about their newly enlightened lives. Too straight to be a ‘scene queen’ and sufficiently gay enough to never conform to a whole domesticated straight life, I simply wasn’t meant for anything prepackaged--no, my life is ala cart.
For a long time, I felt this nagging tug in my gut that the party would come to an end. But in reality the party was over years ago. When the guest have all turned to vapor and withdrawn into their own little smokey lives, will I be the only face left at the bar? That guy that everyone feels sorry for? The ‘local’ face drained of youth and beauty with no interesting story to tell except some lurid sexual conquests that ultimately left me feeling little more than used and disgusted with men and women?

My dear friend Karen told me recently something that hangs in my mind. She said, “Dan--do you understand your own worth? You’re universe is much larger than most can imagine it to be. And yet you box yourself in. You don’t love yourself for the wonderful person you are. ”.

And I realize now that I lived the life that I’ve lived for years and years because it is true. I do NOT love myself they way I should. If I loved myself, I would not be stuck in a job I hated. If I loved myself, I would not have let my body go. If I loved myself, I would not feel the need to live my life as according to some mundane, socially acceptable script.

If I loved myself, I would not take the job. And I didn’t.
I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be that person again.
I don’t want to go back to relationships, professional or otherwise, that hurt me. That make me something I know I’m not supposed to be.

So, I turned it down. And I’m going far far away.
I think I’ll start that book I keep talking about during my travels…




ANYBODY GONE THROUGH MIDLIFE CRISIS OF YOUR OWN? I’D LOVE TO HEAR IT AND COMPARE NOTES.

Imago said:

Man, so much in this posts applies to me. Or, I feel will apply to me some day. Big . I guess would not have the guts to turn the job down. I am NOT an optimistic person and I'd think I'd never find something else. I'd rather be miserable.



That's the second of your sigs devoted to my 8=====D .

My two cents- You are so personable, perhaps you need a career with more human contact. Face to face work, not face to computer screen. You need to explore how you can use your current skills in a new type of career.

Your paycheck will never reflect your worth because your priceless Dan.

Now let's look at the bright side of the last few months:
You have improved your relationship with your mother.
You've had good times with your family in Germany.
You still got friends on the Internet.
You are still my Sweet Cheeky Monkey.

Looks pretty good to me.

To Dan,


A message from Muffy.

shanti0608 said:

Phil will never understand what it's like to be me.


























Because I'm a top.

Imago said:

Fauxie said:

It's not overly dramatic at all.

Don't get me wrong. It is a tad bit fem, and being a farang with resources and western connections most Thais only dream of obtaining you're predicament also seems a tad bit pussified. But certainly, it's not overly dramatic.


Here's how it works (FOR ME).

You wake up one day, after having exhausted weeks, months, or years allowing each day to be the same as the day before, not having moved in ANY direction that you consider to be progress, and realize that you're miserable. You either don't recognize the person you see in the mirror, or you're ashame of him/her and you don't want others to see that. So, you hide a way for a bit.

You then withdraw into "Self" and realize that there are certain reasons that put you in the position that you're in. And more or less these reasons are sequential in nature.
I believe your "sequence" is: Because you're smoking, you're contributing to being unhealthy. Because you're unhealthy your mind is not clear. Because your mind is not clear you can't pursue your spiritual quest. Because you're not as enlightened as you want to be.....you're not emotional in the right place to move on in life and do the things you need to do....

YOUR SEQUENTIAL LIST IS AN EXCUSE. It's completely an excuse. I have my own sequential list of things I need to accomplish at any given point in my life, and all the sequence ever does is slow me down.
Though I'm not doctor, from having studied patterns in my own life, I believe strongly that it all involves comfort zones. When our confidence is shaken our comfort zones shrink. And aside from doing all sorts of damage to our self-esteem and stifling progress in our lives, it fills large gaps of time with nothing but regrets.

Though I'm not 100% sure, I'm going to take a wild guess and say ignoring the comfort zone and allowing yourself to feel completely vulnerable, hurt, and even ridiculed .... and sticking to your new 'growth' despite these feelings of dread, is the only way to get anything done....and by default this expands your comfort zone.

IGNORE YOUR SEQUENTIAL LIST
Write out the things you want to do, and deliberately ignore your sequential list to spite those things--cause they are what slow you down.

For me, it's so many things that are very personal, so forgive me if I don't go into them.
For you, it's to further your spiritual grown, stop smoking, improve your health, and expand your experience into something healthier and more productive--all at the same time. Nobody says you can't sit and meditate or ponder spiritual endeavors while going through withdrawal syndromes and feeling absolutely knackered from having exercised that morning. Expand your comfort zone...and lose your addiction to comfort altogether.



Lawd, I feel good this morning.

Imago said:

Ok, let's try that again. Org logged me out.

You're spot on. Mirrors my realizations a few days back exactly. I'm still unwell and still horribly tired but I'm just dragging myself through this anyway because I know it's precisely how I'll feel better. No more whinging and lamenting. How pathetic that I felt I wasn't even in control of my own mind, body and spirit! I know what I want and always did so now I'm just bloody doing it. My friend's wife said not too long ago that I 'look like someone who takes drugs'. A tad harsh perhaps but honest at least. I really want this. I'm succeeding so my mental strength is there and it's really no more complicated than just doing what I want to do.

Fauxie said:

That's all you have after what I typed out?

Bitch , I typed that shit for the thunderous sound of applause!

ocean said:

Funny thing is I'm not really unhappy. I'm just ... regretful.

It feels like the entire fabric of my professional life (which is a BIG part of how I identified myself) was illusory in nature.

And now I have to just move on. Kill off that part of my life and venture forth.


I'm not going into details about where I will be going or headed, but I can say it is so radically different from anything I've experienced , and considering my military days, that says something.

Imago said:

So do it.

Just do it.

You won't regret it.

You'd definitely regret not doing it. It's like a rotten tooth. The longer you let it sit without pulling it out, the more likely it is to make you sick. And the whole time you know it's going to need to come out anyway.

So rip that rancid motherfucker out, even if it means you can't eat comfortably for a while.

(See what I did there? That was metaphorical. 'Cause if you're broke and eating only Top Ramen that probably won't be very comfortable. But you won't have a rotten mouth infection that may seep into your brain and kill you.)

FunkMistress said:

I knew you'd be much more than just someone I told my batdick joke to
I remember it like it was yesterday.

Imago said:

Oh, Dan.

I know you well enough to know that you probably don't completely believe that you're special to me.

You are.

I care about what happens to you, and I care whether you are happy and fulfilled. I think you will be, it's just a cruel fucking road along the way. Well, let's be real: even when we have found some measure of happiness and contentment, the cruelty of life persists. But in the meantime, there's beer, anal sex and lentil nut loaf. And you can tell me the batdick joke anytime.

Imago, Dan,

I really totally understand you! Seriously, you and Carrie MPLS having been saying a lot that I REALLY see eye to eye with you on.

Yes, Dan, people think I'm throwing my life down the tubes 'cause I don't care to get back into radio and would rather do voice work from home in my baby studio. Yes, I don't get the quick perks, but hell, half of the staff just got fired!

But I just don't want to be that person either. Yay Dan!!!!! Go after your dreams and run after yourself and start loving yourself more! I must heed my own advice, too.

Fine... *rolls up sleeves*

it's soul baring time...

In '99 I moved back to the states from Germany with my new wife, Maria to start a new life and take over the family business. 4 years later I was ousted from said position by my sister and since have had nothing but trouble due to her and my mother conspiring against my wife and I... go figure.

Now 10 years later, I've had it!! I'm in the process of getting my shit together and we're moving back to Germany in the hopes that the next 10 years there will be more fruitful.

In the course of my Exodus this means that I'm leaving the Bay Area, which I love dearly. I was born and raised here fer chrissakes! I will be closing the business that I founded, slaved over, nurtured and loved. I will be giving up sailing for a time, but sailing on the Bay is said to be the Holy Grail of Sailing so to leave that is ! I need to sell ALL of the things that I've worked so hard to gain and even though it's really not that much those pieces that I do own mean so much to me. The Volvo, the VW convertible, the Flatscreen, the surround sound... sure it may just sound like stuff but it's all been recently paid off... it was finally OURS!

Now I do look forward to starting from scratch but I'm 37 with a wife and 2 kids... a risky move that scares the bejeezus outta me but you only live once and based on the last ten years... it' time for a do-over...

It's mostly about my kids to be honest... I want them to grow up with a more worldly sense of being and the internationality of Europe holds that appeal... I believe that the education they can receive there would be better than what's available here in Oakland and this move will certainly shield them from the mindless violence that is woven into this city's fabric, 124 killed in 2008 and as of April 28 we're up to 32. Ridiculous!!

So that's it in a nutshell, I could delve deeper into the whole family trauma but at this point I'm not feeling it. I'm focused on MY family, MY daughters and MY wife.

That is all...



Oh and I lurve all y'all too, for the record!