How would you react if you found out that the baubles and tinsel on your christmas tree had feelings?

I've just found out that they DO!

Whilst decorating my tree today, I placed a lovely glass bell on one of the less obvious branches and you should have heard it complain; 'You either put me on a branch that can be seen by everybody, or I swear to God that I'll fucking kill you!' the bell told me. I was dumbstruck. Immediately, I placed the bell on one of the more prominent branches - I certainly didn't want to face the wrath of a glass bell. Who would?
Anyway, just after I'd done this, all the other tree decorations started to complain. Some gold tinsel told me, in no uncertain terms, just what he thought about me putting him near his arch-enemy, the wooden Santa. One of the fairy lights complained that it was fed up with being red and wanted to be blue for a change. And as for the star on top of the tree (and you'd think that the top would be the prime position), she spat at me and jumped off the tree, attacking my face and shouting out some garbled message about vertigo and me not understanding her problem.

It was at that point that I reached breaking point and I burnt the tree down. I wanted to kill those decorations - I didn't need that kind of stress.
Unfortunately, about half of the house has burned down as well (luckily, my computer is in the other half), and now the police and fire brigade are about to arrive.
So, what do I tell them? They'll think I'm mad if I tell the truth so I'm going to have to think fast in order to tell a good, believable story. And it looks as though the star has survived. Should I kill her before she can tell the authorities the truth?
Help me, people.

Um...ya might wanna check the expiration date on that eggnog... :O

You can't let some ornery ornament push you around like that. In my house, I demand all inanimate objects to remain inanimate...OR ELSE!

June7 said:

Just been looking at your profile. How come one of your kids is a whale?

Haystack said:

LOLOL!

I say, kill the star. Flush her down the loo.

Haystack said:

Guess u haven't seen my moby dick!!! 8)

June7 said:

Oh yes! June7 totally buries the opposition!

Haystack said:

U crack me up Haystack...

i've been there, haystack, i've been there. and in my experience the ONLY way to sleep at night and not be afraid of the decorations is to duct tape them firmly (one yard of tape for each ornament) to the tree, then duct tape the tree to the floor. that way you know they won't be coming for you later

XxAxX said:

Duct tape? No, no, no...you can beat them all into submission with the sheer force of your personality. You've just got to show the ornaments who's boss, that's all.

Tip: Crush a bulb under your boot as a demonstration of your power.

ok. crush the ornaments THEN duct tape them to the tree. that's the most logical approach, certainly. or maybe you could get a few poisonous vipers to inhabit the living room with the tree, take out those pesky decorations if they so much as MOVE on a branch.

man, christmas is SOOO stressful, ain't it?!

XxAxX said:

Yeah, but then you've got an even worse situation with the vipers!

well, that's where the trained killer owls come in. y'see, owls EAT vipers. so, also fill the room with trained killer owls so that if the vipers threaten to attack the owls are there.

pardon me for being blunt, mr. teller, but don't you know ANYTHING about christmas decorations???

XxAxX said:

Shit...you've obviously thought this out better than I have...got experience with the vipers, eh?

oh MY yes. and, all this reminds me, i'd better go unpack all the OTHER holiday ornaments, the grenades, body armor, machine guns, etc. YOU know. just getting ready

XxAxX said:

ROFL!!! :LOL:

ps: because last year this big fat guy in a red suit tried to BURGLARIZE the house while everyone was asleep. caught him sneaking down the chimney and unloaded the shotgun right into his butt. well i'll TELL you he went back up that chimney so fast it was like a miracle! but, in case he's still out there, you better stock up too. a person can't be too careful

actually this only happened to me ONCE a few yrs back...bottomline - i kidnapped the Angel, and let the others no in no uncertain terms that Honey was gonna get it if they made the wrong move... i held her hostage for 12days then she starts complaining about Noel and Bethleham (her kids - go figure) then she starts mewling about silent night and joy to the world...

lord it was the longest 12 days of my life...but i held her captive over a steaming pot of cocoa her toes melted - she got no more complaints...
damn typos - did i get them all?
[This message was edited Tue Dec 10 19:14:19 PST 2002 by ScarLett]

ScarLett said:

See, this is what I'm talkin about...no vipers, owls, or grenades needed!

psychological torture eh? huh. dig. so, next time that red-suited creep tries to sneak in here i'll maybe shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, tie him to the chair and tell the angel that, one wrong move outta her he's gonna EAT her. halo and all.

ps: tell the authorities the aliens burnt down your house. that way, you'll be able to collect the insurance on it.

This little tale reminds me of the film "Requiem for a Dream", where the appliances start talking to one of the main characters...

Thanks for all your advice, people.

As it happens, it turned out that it was all the work of my David Blaine Action Figure (which comes complete with an extremely tall pole on which to stand him). He had used his self-satisfied, smug personality to bewitch the ornaments and decorations and hypnotise me into thinking that they were all alive.
The Action Figure is now being questioned by the police. It's amazing how quick they were to believe me when I told them about it - these Action Figures must have been misbehaving before. As soon as I remembered the small-print in the guarantee that came with the Figure that suggested that 'things' may happen if you possess this doll, I realised the truth about what had REALLY happened.

My only worry now is, what prison will be able to contain the David Blaine Action Figure? It won't be happy, knowing that I'm the one responsible for any conviction that it receives. The rest of my life will be spent wondering when it's going to appear in my life again.

i hope that u have buffed up on all the Chucky flicks as i think this is gonna get NASTY...