Just want to get peoples take on this subject or if anyone had to deal with something similar . The return of your lovers ex boyfriend/girlfriend into their lives.

situation : Ive been with my man nearly a year and a half now. Before our relationship he was invoved with another guy (18 years old ..he was 37) and they lived together for about a year. There has been some contact between the two since we have been together but not alot. Until the last couple weeks. His ex has contacted him as he is feeling down on life and looking for people for support. So now they have been talking daily . He says hes trying to be like a father figure for him

My man wants me to meet him and have us all hang out possibly on a regular basis. Something about all thing makes me uneasy. I dont want to be an ass because the kid is going through a rough time appearantly . But knowing that the two of them were once lovers and all of us just chilling out together is a little weird to me. I trust him and weve talked about it and Im being supportive about the whole situation even though im not particularly thrilled about it . A bit of background ... his ex would occationally contact him in the first few moths of OUR relationship asking him if he missed having sex with him. My man was upfront with me and said this was happening and buffed off any advances. So as a result of that something in the back of my mind question his ex motives now.

So has anyone had to deal with exs coming back into you or your significant other lives and how did you feel about it handle it?

It all comes down to how well you trust your partner, really.
I think sharing your concerns (if you haven't already) is the best thing to do.

I'd kill him.

FunkMistress said:

or that

FunkMistress said:

I wouldn't say that but in general I wouldn't approve either.

Personally, I've been there on both sides in a prolonged on-again/off-again/on-again type of relationship.
When I finally realized that working towards the relationship just to make it work, despite the fact that we weren't compatible wasn't exactly healthy , I broke it off for good.
I could never imagine reintroducing an ex into my life in any intimate capacity, Chuck, when I have a partner. It's disrespectful to your partner, and why would you even want to do that?
This kid is asking if he missed the sex? Yeah, that's enough to get his ass beat even if he's down and out.
Both need to respect you enough to call it off, so I'd think you were right to suspect his motives.

Imago said:

people always go back to see how the other person is - they are curious! I had an ex that contacted me every year since we broken up for the past 8 years and he's married and moved away and have a kid and he still came to find me just to see the one that got away! The best revenge is to show them that you are very happy and moved on!


Now on the other hand, if your mate has someone from their past and they keep coming around, then your mate is the one who has the problem. I would watch out if I was you - it seems that they have a lot of unresolved feelings and you don't want to get hurt. Just talk it over and if it doesn't change - they are exs for a reason - just back off and soon, he'll do the same with you...

I have been in that situation, sort of. I met one of my boyfriend (at the time) ex's and we hung out with him. I got along famously with him. The only difference is that he had a boyfriend.

If you feel weird or uncomfortable with all three of you hanging out, tell your boyfriend. His ex is young so you don't know what's going on in his mind. He may be trying to stir things up.

Angelic1302 said:

No. No, they don't.

I have several exes (accumulated long ago). I parted on good terms with all of them - and don't have contact with any of them.

It's about growing up and moving on. My man wouldn't like me having any of them around - so I don't. Period.

I've been on both sides - my bf having his ex hanging around, and me being an ex that he keeps in touch with.

Neither went smoothly. My bf's ex (and my bf by not giving her the total boot) made my life a living hell because she wanted him back. It's what broke us up a million times and ultimately the reason why we ended it for good.

And I'm really close to that same guy now and the girls after me have always had a problem with us being close - my ex always asked me to back off a bit (he learned his lesson in his relationship with me, I guess) so I always did...but if he asked me to be more active in his life, I would. It's only ever been about respecting his wishes, not theirs.

Angelic1302 said:

Yes , thats to be expected . A "hey hows it going" once a year on the phone is reasonanble.

A "come stop by and see my new apartment on your way home from work or while your bf is busy" ...not so much

newpower99 said:

See... exes only come back when they are still interested in hooking up. At the very least, your lover is emotionally cheating on you. If your lover respects you, then he should not be consoling his ex at all. People that break up, in a healthy way just move on and live life.

IMO, the Ex wants back with your husband and he really should refer him to a third party if he needs therapy. I don't want to crush the dreams or add nightmares to a young man but even if your husband is on the up and up, that young kid probably holds all kinds of hopes and dreams for their future. you remember how it is to be young right????.... And your husaband is OLD ENOUGH to know what goes on in the mind of a young kid. If he doesn't know better then give me his number.

I'm with Mistress. I'd kill his ass too
[Edited 4/1/09 12:42pm]

paintedlady said:

Egg-friggin'-zactly.

paintedlady said:

but the kid (21 y/o ) is down and out and going through a rough time . So dont I look like the ass if im like " please dont see him or bring him into our life " I feel by bf is genuinely trying to be a good guy and help him through it. It makes me seem heartless and like I dont trust my bf ...when in actually I do .

thanks for all your thoughts. I should just relax.

newpower99 said:

Awwww...he's going through a tough time.

Wake up and smell the come on.

paintedlady said:

Ya, no. Not always.

If somebody is going to cheat, they will. Nothing you can do will ever change that. All you can do is be honest about your feelings. Never try to change somebody and never try to change for somebody. What will be will be.

JustErin said:

But most of the time.

And if the original poster keeps this in mind instead of fooling himself, he is probably less likely to end up kicking himself down the line for being the "supportive boyfriend" and getting played for a fool.

Cuddles said:

i say nay unless ur into the group thing

Genesia said:

Or the come.

newpower99 said:

In my world, a good partner is one who values your relationship to the extent that they will back off on a relationship with an ex just because it bothers you. That should be enough. I'd do it for my man, and he'd do it for me. Because we both know that a good relationship is priceless and hard to come by, and that stuff can start despite the best of intentions, especially with a past romantic history.

FunkMistress said:

I agree with you, but I feel that there has to be a legit reason for having it bother them. If it's just insecurity with absolutely no reason to think that the ex wants them back, well then that's being totally unreasonable and immature. But if that ex gave any indication that they aren't over them and your partner still chooses to associate them - even just to humor them, well then that's not respecting you.

JustErin said:

Agreed. I think it comes down to the BF and he should, I think, acknowledge the possibility that this kid is coming back for more than just psychotherapy. That's what friends are for. If it's not too far in the distant past that the kid was asking about if the bf still thought about having sex with him, that shit don't go away in a few months

Sorry NP, not trying to scare you. Just sayin

I can relate

Except *I'm* the ex and HE looked for me

FunkMistress said:

That, too.

Don't sound too kosher at all. Listen to your gut feelings.
[Edited 4/1/09 20:57pm]

Sure. But that would mean mouth shots for everyone!