I am at a point in my life where many of the women that I have befriended through the years were so very generous. Always helpful and would offer the very shirt off their backs.

I am a single mom of three, and when things were hard my friends would help out w/ emergency childcare... helping me when I was sick, or even helping me get clothing/shoes/toys for my kids around the holidays etc.

I love my friends, but as I got myself in a more stable situation.... I noticed that when they needed help they had a hard time accepting help from me.

One friend had bad swelling in her ankles, and was taking time off her job because of it. We went shoe shopping, and I bought her shoes, comfortable shoes in her size that were stylish and expensive (too expensive for her at the time)
so I bought her the shoes. She NEEDED them, and I was only too happy to do for her because she was there for me when I needed help.

She was upset, and told me that she wasn't a charity case! I told her that I never saw her that way, that I just wanted to help a friend.I bought them for her despite her refusal to wear them... she wore the shoes and loved them. I would have bought her 100 pairs if I could. She stopped talking to me when she saw that she couldn't help me as much and the roles reversed. We don't speak anymore.



so my question is.... why is it so hard for some people to receive help if they themselves are usually so generous?
I thought it was just me, but I see that this is a trend in many situations I've encountered with different people I know. Your thoughts please....

Sometimes it has to do with power and control.

I enjoy giving. It makes me feel good. But receiving can be really scary because I am giving up power and control to another person. Allowing another person to take care of my needs, instead of relying only on myself. That's frightening and makes my ego freak out.

Maybe that's where your friend was coming from.

1 word.....ego.

FunkMistress said:

Wow... so she probably gave as a way to be able to get her way with me sorta thing then?

She seemed so hurt after I bought her stuff and told her not to buy my daughter more dresses since I was able to do that myself.

Makes sense.

paintedlady said:

Wait, you bought her things, but told her not to reciprocate because, in your estimation, you were in a better position to do so? Hmm. Maybe you offended her then.

Graycap23 said:

So much easier to buy a fun toy... than to play games with people.

FunkMistress said:

Well, she would show up with dresses... like 2-5 of them for her God daughter. I would say, Oh you shouldn't have! That's so nice... but she won't wear all these dresses.... then I buy her a gift cert. to Bath N Body and she gets all pissy. Then she would say... you need to do this or that with it. She would say, "You're the one that should need help... I would smile and say, stop blocking your blessings, you help me all the time". She would act weird after, not call.

Actually, we met in my old job. She was a mentor. She helped me from the first day I met her. When I saw she needed help, I would just want to do the same.

FunkMistress said:

Then again.... maybe she was like "F her then...." but she never came to my home empty handed... its like she felt obligated. I met 4 women like this.

Another friend of mine is going through this now. You end up having to say "You don't have to buy me things for me to be your friend ya know... I like your company."

Its a shame that your friend took this position. Depending on how long you have been friends, give her some time to cool down and then ask her to lunch..Dutch Treat. Just mayber she feels as bad as you and doesn't know how to approach you. If she doesn't respond, then you will have friend or maybe notr.

mzsadii said:

Well this specific friend has been told that she's missed and its almost been a year. She said she would call and stay in touch... she hasn't.

Now another friend is going through the same thing.

I think some people who like to "help" others also have a sense of power. When the roles are reversed, then they are powerless and feel like a charity case. It seems stupid, when you are coming from a sincere place in your heart, but it happens. You cannot help everyone; some won't allow you to.


Smooches;)

This is me. you have no idea the lengths I go (have gone) to help others. But I'm loathe to ask others for help. Part of it is pride, being embarrassed but when I do need help I have to remind myself how much I've helped others and I shouldn't be above asking myself.

The other thing is how you're there for people and they aren't there for you in return. I've learned to stay away from asking for help knowing people can be selfish as hell.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:[quote]This is me. you have no idea the lengths I go (have gone) to help others. But I'm loathe to ask others for help. Part of it is pride, being embarrassed but when I do need help I have to remind myself how much I've helped others and I shouldn't be above asking myself.

So is it more that you're a guy and as a guy you are supposed to be self reliant?

Help should never be turned away... I see it as blessings, but I am careful not to whine to others either.

See, I can't turn away a friend in need myself. Wish my freind would allow me to help, last I heard she was still in a bad way.

funkpill said:

TY

paintedlady said:[quote]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Um, I just get super embarrassed. Like I've had times where I had to ask for a dollar to get bus fare home for whatever sick crazy ass reason I needed to stoop but I remind myself how many times I put food in a homeless person's stomach and I relize I've EARNED the right to panhandle

I stopped asking from personal friends from the way they would so willingly just not be there for me when I needed them. Eventually this moved me away from helping them. Not that I ever did it for a payback but when you go so out of your way and then the one time you need something selfishness is the driving force?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:[quote]

paintedlady said:

See... to me you are actually normal. See, you help, need help sometimes and want help. Feel a bit embarrassed about asking for the help in the first place, but will not turn down the help if its needed.

But pride must be a bitch when you flat out refuse help your loved ones offer.


I wonder if my old friend feels as if she can't get a friend to help her, because if they help her that the person helping her must have some ulterior motive? Like doing it for ego as well?

paintedlady said:

Well no, I won't refuse the help nor will I stop talking to someone I helped who no longer needs it. I'd be happy for them. Sistergirl has issues.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I miss her. I hope she's better.

Pride, plain and simple. Folks identify themselves as helpers and not in need of help. It can be a doozie.

I've been in the giver/helper role most of my life. But, when God allowed the tables to get turned, I realized I had a REAL HARD time asking for and accepting help from friends, parents and family. It was an eye-opening situation.

It's taught me to be a lot realer with people, especially when I need something.

FunkMistress said:

I agree, and it's unfortunate because that sort of prestiged pretense of giving and derelicted notion of needing help can undermine a true spirit of charity -- much less the possibility of things like true reciprocity, substantive humility, etc. It's tough, but it has helped me to pursue the mindset that when I help others, my job is to prove myself worthy of serving them, not convincing myself they are worthy of my service. As a result, when I need help, I don't suffer from some "fallen god" complex.

ThreadBare said:

It's extremely humbling. Now when I help someone and they try that shit I just relate to them saying I been there done that and to just pay it forward if they are in the position to help someone else.

MsMisha319 said:

true. I wonder if she read this would she understand my POV? That I just cared.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Yeah, it's a trip.

Lammastide said:

Is this common among folks who just are used to working hard all there lives feel that way?

paintedlady said:

It would be presumptuous for me to say that. What I'm a bit more comfortable saying is that it's probably common among folk who think they have what they have only because of themselves -- and not because of hard work in partnership with the unacknowledged help of others, of fortune or (in my own worldview) of blessing.

But that's just how I see things.

I always had a hard time accepting help. My mom sort of unintentionally made me feel it was weak to accept help. I've learned that it's OK to ask for help. Sometimes we all need it. And, it's wonderful to give and accept gifts. It's one of life's many little blessings.

hokie said:

I learned not to accept help from everyone who offers, but it is nice when you know you have someone you can lean on in tough times... you never feel alone in the world because of it. It is a blessing indeed.

ThreadBare said:

Did you ever pull away from a friend because of it?

Sometimes it's a person's pride.