My son is 21 & in collage..we were talking about how long could you go without sleep, he said his friend was up for 3 days..& i said maybe he was on uppers.

then he said..how would I know? so i said i had tried a few drugs when i was younger, but didnt go into detail. Now he wants to know everything...what was the worst drug..do i have a record...when did i stop...etc....

anywho...son knows nothing about my past & i am not proud of alot ive done, but it was a phase & its in the past.
My question is How much should i tell him. he is an adult, but i dont want him to think less of me. (kwim)

That's tough.

I wonder the same thing. My kids are still little. They're only 6 and 9. I think about it though because I know that there will be a time when they'll ask questions.

I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. I don't think we owe it to our kids to tell them everything. But, if you feel ok with it and think it will help then I see nothing wrong with it.

We've all done things we're not proud of and I think your son is old enough to start learning the lesson that people sometimes make bad choices but that doesn't necessarily make them bad people.

Good luck.

That is a tough one may have too come back to you on that

endymion said:

Good advice!

sonic said:

Tell him he doesn't need to know everything and leave it at that. If you feel you want to share more later, think on it first. It's easy to let too much spill out of wanting to be honest.

Think about what you do want to share with him, and why. If there isn't a good reason for sharing something, don't. He's still young and his judgment probably isn't what it will be in 10 years. He may take your stories, and the evidence that you turned out okay, as some kind of permission.

Remember that you are his parent and he doesn't have the right to question you about your past if it doesn't have anything directly to do with him. You have every right to guide him in the way you think is best, whether or not you have followed your own advice.

sonic said:

hokie said:

thats what i say when my kids ask for advice

yeah, i tend to fess up for harrasments sake. and it doesn't hurt to water it down some.

My mom only tells me if i ask.
And i wanna know EVERYTHING!

But she was boring when she was younger (no drugs, no one night stands etc...)
so i dont really give a damn

Cinnie said:

By sonicsue at 2009-05-10

I've try to gauge it, keep it age appropriate. But I feel I've got to tell them something just to let them know that I know what they're going through, that I know something about life.

FunkMistress said:

I believe that first and foremost, parents should be direct with their kids, even if they have done things they're not proud of. Say you've done drugs in your youth and you don't want your kids making the same mistake. Honesty will earn you more respect and with any luck even get them to actually listen to what you have to say than hiding while you preach ever will.

Good luck. Hope the convo goes well for you.

Agree with lot of the comments.
I'd also like to add that you can also highlight what you have learned from making this unfortunate bad choice
when or if you tell of your experience.

Better they learn from you than the hard way.

i have wondered about this as well. i didnt have a 'wild' past really, but i did smoke a lot of pot and did quite a bit of drinking - neither of which i feel good about having my son do. but, then comes reality, we know they are going to try these things - its natural. hopefully by now your son has the background to know that you expect him to live his life in a productive way and that you are always there to talk with him about any questions or mistakes he makes along the way. it was shortly after i had my own child that my mom told me she had smoked pot, i guess in her way of thinking she knew that my life had changed by then and was all about the new baby in my life so i was pretty much done with the partying stage. i remember thinking it was cool to be able to let loose and talk with her about everything and kinda laugh it off - but again, it was done at the right stage of MY life....21 is still a pretty difficult time as far as making the right choices imo, perhaps wait a few more years before going into all the details, i think thats my advice. good luck with that, hope it all goes well

Thanks for the great replys~~

I agree about not saying "too much"

He also asked if i had ever been arrested (caught me off gaurd) I said no...when in fact i was caught with half a joint MANY yrs ago, & ended up paying a fine..later i was pardoned.

so i have already lied to him which i feel bad about.
but like some of you said....some things he doesnt NEED to know.

sonic said:

Exactly. Just remember you are the parent and are entitled to keep things to yourself if you want.

Cuddles said:

agreed.

sonic said:

wow, that happened to me as well i went to jail for possession for a tiny little piece of a burned up piece of paper they said was a roach in the backseat ashtray. however, there is a bit more to that story....

my son's father is black, we were driving through leawood (a pretty wealthy, snotty, stuck up area in ks), the cop followed us for quite awhile before pulling us over. he took me in his car because i had a ticket i had forgot to pay from awhile back, while i was in the police car, jakes dad and his two little girls at the time who were 3 and 5 were with him sitting on the lawn of a business where the police officer told them to sit. the cop in the car with me ran his name through the system 4 times checking the spelling on several occations. he finally turns to me and said, we are going to search your car. apparently they were able to do that because i was going to be taken into custody while my mother came by to pay the ticket - which was interesting, i never was 'booked' just had to pay the fine and they let me go. but the thing is, they searched my car, in the cops hand he brought back that lil piece of burned up paper and some ashes from the ashtray. he asked who's it was, i said, i dont know, where'd it come from?? he said, it came out of your backseat ashtray. i told him i didnt know where it came from. he says - alright look, either you tell us it belongs to him or youre going to jail. well, i knew that the ONLY reason they were going to do that was because they wanted to arrest him not me, so i said, sorry - not gonna be able to do that, i dont know who's that is they took me in and i did some program to have it removed from my record not long after that.


point is, i wasnt gonna throw him under the bus because i knew that cop had ill intentions. when it was over and i told my mom what had happened she was very proud of me for not allowing the cop to do that...

for me, i think its a good story about doing what you have been taught is right, but, i cant share that story with my kids because there was that corner of burned up paper involved.... its a shame, i think jake would have been proud of how i handled that situation - i'll tell him someday i suppose.


as far as your question goes, i havent told my kids i was arrested for anything because i want them to feel like thats the worst thing that can happen. i think there needs to be some fear in their hearts that causes them to stay out of trouble and away from the police i would have held that back from my child as well, i think you did the right thing

same thing goes.... one day you can tell it all if you like, today is just not that day. but, to keep there from being a 'you lied to me' situation you should really avoid the topic as much as possible i think - again, good luck with this

nakedpianoplayer said:

You can tell the story....just dont mention that it was a roach. People actually use that paper for tobacco too.....

wow..its amazing that something as small & trivial (imo) as a joint can mess up ones life.
sounds like they had no GOOD reason to search the car.
at least you got to pay & go.I had to go to court..i actually ended up taking the rap for the charge.

.similar to you...we got pulled over, my BF had a roach in the ashtray.....i took the blame, he payed the fine. I felt guilty b/c he was just starting a business & we agreed this was the best thing to do.
Now i think it was dumb....lol

Is that how it works now...you pay a fine & its done? no court date?
sounds good to me.
Not that it matters b/c i stopped smoking years ago. I just think its a good policy.

sonic said:

lol, i think they are definately more relaxed about it now, but this happened like 17 years ago - it was quite a production at the time. i had to see a judge and whatnot as well, the money i paid was because of the ticket i had hanging over me that i forgot to pay....i eventually ended up having to go back to court and see the judge, i opted for the diversion (your one get out of jail free card as far as pot goes), paid a fine and served a year or so of probation before it came off my record. stupid as hell if you ask me...im kinda glad they are changing their punishments for such crazy small amounts of pot ( or in my case what was not even pot, but burned up paper that once held the pot lol)


honesty edits
[Edited 5/11/09 10:46am]

I tell my 21 year old son a lot.
I tell my teenage girls nothing.

FunkMistress said:

I think this is excellent advice
[Edited 5/11/09 16:20pm]

I don't have anything to hide. If I don't tell when asked, Im sure my mom will.

Wait for the right time and tell him everything IF he asks you. 21 is a grown man, you don't have to protect his innocence anymore.

Honesty doesn't hurt, it might sting & shock and he may look @ you in a different light, but hell, you'll be doing him a favor. Better safe than sorry.

In fact, you never know,,,,your relationship might even be stronger. I personallly didn't click with my mother untill she started opening up about her past(she was a 70s pumpkin and she did EEEEVERYTHING under the sun) it shocked me hard at 1st because I didn't see my mother as the wild type, but parenting changed her drastically.

I appreciate her for pulling the courage and opening her heart for me, it made me watch out for the things that I might've did and in that sense, she protected me.

rnljs said:

Why the difference?

meow85 said:

the age? When they are 21 maybe they will get told this stuff if they want too?

FunkMistress said:

Bingo.