I don't post often but I have an issue and wanted to get another opinion.
My daughter is a senior and has recently came to me and said that she likes girls. I admit that I wasn't too happy about it at first but I'm slowly coming to terms with it. The prom is coming up and she says that she wants to ask a girl and also wear a tuxedo. I've been very adamant and have told her that she will NOT wear a tuxedo and will NOT take a girl or she will not go. Needless to say things haven't been too happy around our house. She's very upset with me and keeps telling me that it's her prom and she should be able to wear what she wants. My question is this: What would you do if you were in the same situation?

Let her go with whom she pleases, this is the kind of life moment that will forever bite you in the ass if you kick up about it. If, as you say, you are "coming to terms with it" then show your colours here. Please.

I guess I just don't want her to be hurt. Kids are cruel and I don't want her to have a memory of being taunted at her prom.

As far as her being a lesbian, it's something you have to accept and you seem to realize that.

What worries me about the prom is how the other students will treat her if she goes with another girl... I don't know how mature high school seniors are now... Are gay couples and lesbian couples now more commonly accepted in high school?
It's a prom... just one night (most overblown thing in my opinion)... if she goes, the only important thing is that she comes back safely.

keyiemo said:

yes, I'm concerned about the same thing. It's a tough call.

keyiemo said:

on the other hand


1) it's a good life lesson to learn, and
2) it's something she'll be able to look back on and say "i stood up for myself and did what i wanted with whom i wanted."


sometimes you have to be yourself and do what you want to do and be who you want to be despite the fears that might be warranted. so she'll have memories of being taunted at the prom. what's the alternative? no memory of the prom whatsoever because you wouldn't let her go? i'm sure she'll be taunted. but in 10 years, she's going to remember that less than the fact that she got to be herself at an age when a lot of people her in situation are scared to be.

I don't know about TUX because that is definitely designed for men to wear, but if she doesn't want to wear a dress, maybe she can wear a satin pant suit like all the tomboys (Ellen Degeneres, Janet Jackson) wear to award ceremonies.

Is she currently dating a female that would reliably appear at the prom with her?
[Edited 3/15/09 9:29am]

coolcat said:

It worries me, too. She had medium length hair and cut it to start dreads. Almost everyday she comes home saying someone called her a boy or worse. I told her if this is the lifestyle she chooses, then ok..but don't flaunt it.

I have this horrible image of that scene from the movie "Carrie" that keeps flashing everytime she says prom/tuxedo.

keyiemo said:

Wouldn't you prefer that she had a memory of a mom who supported her and loved her no matter what?

Your support matters more than a bunch of asshole kids.

Take her to rent the tux, meet her date, and thank God that your daughter is healthy, strong, and self-aware.

There were gay couples at my high school proms and dances, and I'm 30 now. They really didn't run into much bullshit.

keyiemo said:

And remember, that was mostly because Carrie's mom was a bitch.

mdiver said:

Well said.

keyiemo said:

You could also look at it a different way: The memories she has of it could actually be profound, great ones, like the memory of being proud of who she is and not hiding it and the life lesson of learning who her friends really were and how sad other people can be.

On the other hand, would the memory of her parent forcing her to conform and going to the prom as someone she really isn't be a better one for her to have?

I wish I had gone to Prom with a girl.

shanti0608 said:

I did. I wish I had gone with a boy.

shanti0608 said:

I didn't go at all!

errant said:

This is what she tells me. That she would rather have some memories than none.

Even if she did get taunted, I don't think she would blame YOU... she wouldn't say "how could you let me go to a high school prom in a tux".

She is making her own choice here, and the "acceptance" she is looking for is way more important from her own mom than some kids she won't see again for years.

I should also say this: It is so clear that you love your daughter very much. Kudos to you for reaching out for some support on this. You seem to want to do the right thing, and "the right thing" isn't as clear-cut for you as you wish it would be.



Parenting teens is hard.

keyiemo said:

Listen to her.

keyiemo said:

Is she aware of your concerns... that she could be taunted?

I think it's important she knows that your concerns is not because of her being a lesbian... but because of how everyone else might hurt her...

I don't know if this is an option... maybe you can talk to the faculty staff that will run the prom... tell them about your concerns for her well being... maybe they will look out for her at the prom...

Cinnie said:

I tried that..I told her to just wear a pantsuit...but she says she wants to wear a tux.
There's a girl she likes whose mother has called me to quote scripture about how this is wrong & how my daughter has convinced her daughter to "come out"....she wants to go with her but I don't think it's happening.

FunkMistress said:

Thanks. I don't know why but that really made me feel better.

You know... someone who really didn't want to be "out" would easily choose to conform to choosing an opposite-sex date, and a tux or dress that everyone else is wearing.

I think even the prom dresses at my high school looked the same and if someone chose a different dress they would get the

So I imagine that with the self-awareness she has, she would already be aware of the reaction she might suffer and handle bravely. She will feel MORE brave with the support of her mom and teachers.

I like that idea of getting faculty support if at all possible, and maybe they can let you know that it would be no big deal.

There's always personalities that want to stand out from the rest and others that don't, regardless of orientation.

keyiemo said:

Tell that mother to go fuck herself.

Or start quoting scripture to her about how you're not supposed to wear certain fabrics together, or how she must sacrifice a bull on Fridays, or any other arbitrary stuff that can be pulled from scripture as people see fit.

Don't let people's narrow-mindedness and fear keep you from being a strong, loving, supportive mother to your baby.

We aren't living in perfect times now, but I find that the world is a bit more accepting of homosexuality in some places....

If she feels comfortable wearing a tux to prom and going witha girl, chances are that she has a supportive circle of friends and doesn't feel afraid

When I was in high school, several girls wore masculine formal wear to prom and they were amoung the most popular girls there. Especially one girl who wore a top hat and pimp cane

I think she was voted one of the "best dressed"

keyiemo said:

That's what I was saying in reply #16

thekidsgirl said:

What was your grad year?

raveon2tnek said:

what planet are you from?

raveon2tnek said: