I have a question about family that I want to ask here - recently (late January) came into contact with an aunt and my sister, whom I haven't heard from in about ten years. I keep in regular contact with them and have seen my sister twice. But I am finding that there are some things about both of them that I find troubling, both personally (more my sister here) and idealogically (both), and I don't know how to handle the comments that I hear.

It's nothing homophobic (at least not to my face, but I don't get that sense), but there are certain racially/ideologically insensitive comments, that let's just say if I heard someone say these things on youtube or here at the org, I would challenge them in a New York Minute - those kinds of things. My sister and I are probably alike in many ways, as far as how we think, but there are many ways that we're opposite in this respect. Do I point out when I think something over the top was said, do I just let it ride and leave her to her low opinion, do I compromise?

Also, there's a question along lines of the notion that my sister and aunt have both conveyed about my sister's and my upbringing as children. Without going into the specifics, I can safely say that neither one of them have really forgiven our father, but I have, and I don't know what to do or if I need to do anything. One option I have is knowing that I'm glad to have contacted them, but that there probably won't be a lot of quality time spent in conversation with them, so I could limit my contact. All I know is that I spent many of the last ten years breaking the cycle (including 12-step meetings for Codependents Anonymous) and doing all I can to cultivate and better myself as a person, so it seems counter-intuitive to even think about going back to dealing with such situations.

Advice, please!

Well obviously it bothers you,and you did say that if you heard someone say these things on youtube or here at the org, ypu would challenge them in a New York Minute.I think that if you don't say anything,they might think that you agree with what they are saying,and then continue to use these remarks. My father is this way where both people of different races,and gay peopleare concerned unfortunately. I really can't get my mind around how people can think that way,and I am very quick to tell him my feelings on it,and how I don't see how he or anyone really, can have a problem with people simply because they are different from themselves. Isn't everyone different from each other anyway,despite there skin color or sexual orientation?

I don't know if this helped any,but I hope it has.
[Edited 4/12/09 22:10pm]

You should always be yourself. If you would normally say something, why change it now? If you cannot offend family, who can you offend? Honestly, if you ask me, my family are the people that love me, accept my ways and my character--The people that merely popped out of certain wombs are not necessarily close to me and I dont expect that fact to make them closer to me. They should respect you and who you are, relatives or not. Be yourself and tell them what you think about their comments.

StillGotIt said:

I'm feelin' your reply - my first challenge in life, is expressing myself and being true to myself, and part of that includes thinking before I speak and coming from a place of love. I wrote a letter to my aunt just now, answering an email with some troubling thoughts she expressed--which I know were partly just a mother's instinct--and let her know my thoughts.

My sister is another story - if anything, she's handled the one situation where she was around a large number of my gay friends and took it mostly in stride. But I still get the feeling that only way I'll get anywhere with her when this happens is by being direct (maybe even blunt). The only thing I don't want to do in either case is answer aggressively - that is what I spent years getting away from, and it would serve no purpose to answer blow with blow.

My challenge is to be self-assertive, and that's not always easy for me.

What I am practicing and dealing with right now is dealing with the acceptance of knowing that you will always disagree on something or view a situation differently than a family member. I always let them know how I feel about a situation, but in a way I feel they can handle it. Not everyone is willing to accept certain truths about themselves if it is something that they will not want to change. So what can a person do? Expect nothing, but hope for the best.

So with my family members, I now know.... if they will piss me off with a certain something, then I will do my best to talk to them as to why it bothers me, or avoid them when it comes to specific issues.

For example... me and my mother disagree on religion... I always tell her things are great so that she never tries to pray for me. (She practices Santaria, I am a Christian.)

My sister and I stay away from topics involving my life. She is one year older, but a control freak, so I do my best now to never ask her for advice. I detest some of her personality traits, so I tell her gently what can (what she will listen to) and stay polite and keep it shallow with her. I have to wear her down slowly.

With everyone else I am just myself... I try to stay as genuine as possible, but always keep an open mind. Yes, I tend to offend many.

Just do you.....Blood will be blood and you will always have that special bond/love for that set of people b/c they have been in your life and are a part of you...Now-What set us apart from everyone else is our own way of going through life...Some people live their lives a sertain way and change and some don't change at all...Even twins are different yet look and act the same at times. You just keep being yourself and they will continue to be theirselves - it's a part of life and you just have to deal with it and just do you!

Great advice on here. You should just be honest, like you have been, and the rest is up to them. It looks like you've done all the work in taking steps to heal from whatever you went through. Family or not, you can't go backwards.