I don't know if I should post such personal things on here, but at the moment I don't seem to feel uncomfortable doing it, so:

I never had the kind of mum some people on here are talking about. After reading the first few pages I decided to skip the rest, because somehow something inside of me started aching terribly. I am still very young, but I have to say that my past 6 years were affected negatively by our relationship.

When I was a small kid, up until the age of ten, me and my mother got along quite well, but the first disappointment came at the age of 6, when she told me that she and my father got divorced two months later, while we were in Slovakia, visiting my grandparents. The way she said it.. as if it was something marginal, as if she didn't care. Moving away from my father hurt me a lot and I used to craft "mobile phones" out of paper and pretend I was talking to him through them at night when my mother was sleeping. I cried a lot at night back then.

After some years I turned out to be quite like my father: I loved music, was kind of outgoing, loved my friends, .. I became "wilder" than she was and our relationship started to change completely. We both grew in different directions and all I remember from her from the past few years is mulitple physical fights with blood on the floor of my room, loads of mental torture by having to deal with utterances like "I hate you, you are not my son anymore. I wish you were never born" etc. Ten minutes later she would usually come and apologise for saying such things, telling me she was overreacting and she loved me more than everything else. Of course, after some time I didn't believe any of that anymore.
Apart from that we hardly ever talked. It was approximately once a year when my mother, my stepfather and my little brother actually set on a table together to eat, which was on Christmas. Normally, she would just knock on my door to pass me the plate, because I didn't feel comfortable eating in the same place as her. I was not afraid of her or something like that, I just didn't want to. I started to feel disgusted by her.

The main problem was I felt like noone related to me at times. I used to call my father, crying on the phone and telling him about what had happened and he'd try to help me, but it didn't change anything, unfortunately. Besides, my mother always got the "backing" from her relatives from Slovakia. She used to call her mother and her sister and tell them about me being such a scandalously rude fucker and they would always support her and her opinion, of course, and when I tried to explain and talk to them, they wouldn't even listen. "You are like your father, you useless arsehole."

Well, exactly one year ago my mother and my stepfather broke up too and she decided to go back to Slovakia, taking my little 6-year-old brother (whom I love more than anything else in the world) with her. When she asked me whether I wanted to go with her or move to my father I said "I'm sorry, mum. I have my friends here, I want to finish school here, I like this country and you know that the typical Slovak mentality does not correspond with mine." She said she hated me and that she was disappointed to have such an ungrateful son.

We talk on the phone about once a month and I saw her about 3 times since she left. Last week she told me she may have cancer and now I don't know what to do. I feel very guilty and I'm worried about my little brother. I hate feeling this helpless...




To all of you who feel like having a "real" mother, not just a person who gave birth to you, but someone who makes you feel safe and home and someone you can trust and talk to: Be glad. I may be too young to judge relationships around me and I always thought that maybe someday I will get along with her, in ten years or something... Now I don't even know whether she'll still be here by then.

One thing I have learned: Sometimes you just have to swallow and face that someday there may not be a chance to change certain things anymore. I hate the words "too late", but they exist. Sometimes I wish I'd been a different person back then to get along with my mother, so I won't feel guilty right now.




Sorry for writing so much, I just felt like I had to get rid of this right now.
[Edited 3/19/09 15:51pm]

MoniGram said:

It was really hard reading this thread. When I got to your post, Moni, I started to cry. This is how I grew up too. No matter what I did that was good or "right," it was never good enough for her. The physical and mental abuse took me years to overcome. She is a mean, spiteful, controlling woman whom I have vowed to never be.

moni...I am sorry you had to endure this. I know exactly how you feel. For the rest of you who have such sweet, loving, caring moms...PLEASE do not take her granted. Appreciate her...show her that you do, and realize how lucky you are.

Hmm mine is tough to describe.
She is very talented, strong willed and stubborn.
Her main concerns raising me were that she never wanted me to be spoiled. To her that meant no holding or affection as well as material things.
Now that I am an adult I realise why she is the way that she is. She had a shit childhood and did the best she could raising me with the little bit of tools and knowledge that she had back then.
She was the only stability I ever had and is now the only parent I have. My father and I no longer have a relationship, no big surprise, off and on again my entire life.
So, I am thankful for my mother, with all of her flaws, I know that she loves me.
Being 5000 miles away from her and communicating with her through emails get frustrating.
I miss the days I could just pick up the phone and call her or just drive over to her house to say hello.
Though the distance has made me less reliant on her support, some times I guess that is a good thing.
I hope when I am a mom that I have some of her good qualities and learn not to carry on her bad ones.

In this phase of life I have a Mother with Alzheimers / Dementia who I take care of 5-6 days a week to give my Father the breaks he needs ...

RenHoek said:

Sadly we cannot chose our parents.

Evvy said:

Okay..I will be honest...and I hope everyone here will understand...

My Mother is a very heartless woman, she was extremely abusive (emotional and physical) while I was growing up. She judges folks before she meets them, she can be very two faced. She talks behind people's backs, but is friendly to them face to face. She can take a happy and proud moment in your life, and find everything that is wrong with it, making you feel like garbage, and that make that very thing you are proud of seem like nothing. Sadly, I can't trust her, but I find myself always seeking her approval. Which of course I will NEVER get. She is older, in her mid 70's now, but even in old age, she continues to hurt me. Will I be sad when she is gone, Yes, but will it give me a sense of freedom, Yes. Do I love her, sure she was my Mother, do I love her the way a daughter should love her Mother, NO!

This statement might make me seem bitter, or hateful, but after years of physical and emotional abuse, I feel I have a right to feel this way. The way she treated me has and will forever effect who I am.

I am sorry your Mother is sick, and I do hope you get a chance to enjoy her and make memories that will forever be with you.

shanti0608 said:

We love our moms even though they keep hurting us, ain't it crazy?

Dave1992 said:

I am so sorry to hear about that and I hope that things will get better for you and your family . And there is no reason for you at all to feel guilty!

Serious said:

Thank you, Martina. I hope so too...

MoniGram said:

It was really hard reading this thread. When I got to your post, Moni, I started to cry. This is how I grew up too. No matter what I did that was good or "right," it was never good enough for her. The physical and mental abuse took me years to overcome. She is a mean, spiteful, controlling woman whom I have vowed to never be.

moni...I am sorry you had to endure this. I know exactly how you feel. For the rest of you who have such sweet, loving, caring moms...PLEASE do not take her granted. Appreciate her...show her that you do, and realize how lucky you are.

noimageatall said:

It took time for me before making up my mind and posting in this thread but I have to confess my mum would fit in this category as well. I used to think every mother act this way when I was a kid, you can imagine how painful it was when I found out it was all wrong! She wanted me to look so perfect and polite that most of the time she used to put me in embarrassing situations. I realized much later how deeply it affected me. She was demanding a lot, which wasn't rewarding at all considering the fact I had to take charge of her at a very young age. It started with small tasks like writing her own letters (she turned dyslexic), then it got worse and worse...

I wish she could have been there for me when I needed advices, like real mothers do, but I had to get by and build my own personality and life knowledge on my own.

I can't judge her for what she did to me however, knowing how racking her life had been, widowing at 26 (when I was a year old). I couldn't figure she was sick when I was a child, she had to go to a mental institution for a short period of time. Persecution syndrom, nervous breakdown, she's still strongly affected and will always be. Thus she can't realize what she is, how could I blame her for that? She's somewhat responsible for my homelessness experience without knowing it (she can harldy remember things from the past nowadays, her memory became very selective). Besides, she has always been very religious but fell into severe bigotry, without understanding what are her beliefs and why she believes.


Putting distance between us had been a rebirth for me and allowed me to sort all this mess she put in my mind. We call each other once a week but it's all shallow small talk, I can hear by the sound of her voice if she's high on meds or not, so I'm just doing my best to cheer her up.

I'm thankful she taught me to sew, horseriding, and handed on her sense for fashion to me whatsoever.

Is your mom the type that will look at a nicely dressed young lady and go 'eww why is she showing all of her legs like that"?

or is she the type of mom that listens to your music, shops at your favorite stores, and is up on the latest celebrity news?

Moving away from my father hurt me a lot and I used to craft "mobile phones" out of paper and pretend I was talking to him through them at night when my mother was sleeping. I cried a lot at night back then.

MarySharon said:

Neither of the two types. I'm fortunate she is loving, kind, selfless, honest, real, understanding and forgiving. But she also has a streak that could scare the shit out of Satan if the need be.

She created me, she gave me life, she is part of me and always will be. She is my sunshine, my rock, my whole universe, source of life, my all! Just to give me life with 9 months spent near her heart to know how to love and to listen to her heart beat calling for me and counting down the moments to see me in the world. She's amazing.

Most importantly, I've learned what kind of woman not to be from my mum.

Okay..I will be honest...and I hope everyone here will understand...

My Mother is a very heartless woman, she was extremely abusive (emotional and physical) while I was growing up. She judges folks before she meets them, she can be very two faced. She talks behind people's backs, but is friendly to them face to face. She can take a happy and proud moment in your life, and find everything that is wrong with it, making you feel like garbage, and that make that very thing you are proud of seem like nothing. Sadly, I can't trust her, but I find myself always seeking her approval. Which of course I will NEVER get. She is older, in her mid 70's now, but even in old age, she continues to hurt me. Will I be sad when she is gone, Yes, but will it give me a sense of freedom, Yes. Do I love her, sure she was my Mother, do I love her the way a daughter should love her Mother, NO!

This statement might make me seem bitter, or hateful, but after years of physical and emotional abuse, I feel I have a right to feel this way. The way she treated me has and will forever effect who I am.

i wonder if we could get any of the mothers to tell their stories.

myfavorite said:

According to my mother...and I quote..."I was only doing what Jehovah told me to do! Spare the rod, spoil the child. I did what was right by Bible standards. If you want to blame anyone, blame Jehovah for giving me the guidelines to go by. All I wanted was for you to serve God and not be destroyed at Armageddon. Is that so wrong?" (I have memorized her speech)

YES, MOM! It was wrong for you to mentally and physically abuse me and make me feel as if I was going to surely die by having my tongue rot out of my mouth. It was wrong to show me those images of people being killed and telling me that I could have no friends because they would all die anyway. It was wrong to beat me with a stick until I bled because I cried and didn't want to sit for two hours when I was 10 in a hot arena until I stuck to the seat just so you could make sure I heard about Armageddon coming.

It was wrong to belittle me because I wanted to excel in school and I was smart. It was wrong to tell me that I would never amount to anything if I didn't serve Jehovah and go out in field service on holidays.

I'm through...

Neither.

My mom was a hippie in her youth, and had the good sense to allow her daughters freedom and to teach us critical thinking skills. She was never the type to worry herself over inconsequential things like how we dressed or whether we had the "right" friends or what sort of music we listened to.

My mom and I disagree almost always when it comes to our taste in things and even spiritual beliefs, having gotten in arguments with each other both about the reality of an Almighty deity, and whether Superman or Batman is a better character.


The only thing that sets her apart as radically different from most parents IMO is that she always asked that we call us by her name instead of calling her Mom. Her logic being that being a mother is only a part of what she does, it's not the last word on who she is. In that sense, calling her Mom would be disrespectful and reductionist. To this day, I can't understand how addressing a parent by their title is somehow more respectful than calling them by their name.