Although he was extremely well endowed, I’m not really sure why it lasted as long as they did with this dude. He was one of those guys in his mid-twenties who still found poop jokes funny and constantly asked me to sleep with him while he played “Hold Onto My Heart” by W.A.S.P. and would say things like “yeah, lunchboxes” and other strange comments when he was about to orgasm. How precious.

My friends were at the ice cream shop one day talking about plans for that evening and when my name came up, the guy behind the counter piped up and said he knew who they were talking because he had been myspace stalking me. Somehow flattered by this, I tracked him down and we hung out for a few days during which he shared his love of WOW and aspirations to be on American Idol. We ended up having super awkward sex during which he refused to take his shirt off. Afterwards, he immediately got out of bed, told me I was the second person he had ever had sex with, and looked at himself in my mirror for a good 5 minutes without saying anything (just a shirt on, no pants, looking like he was going to cry.) I didn’t hear from him ever again.

This greasy sex pest’s perennially limp dick always smelled like cheese puffs. His chunky white butt had horrible thick red stubble in patches, and he used to beg me to “peg” him with my dildo. After 2 months of joylessly orgasm-free “sex,” punctuated by awkward bouts of erectile dysfunction, I decided to dump him. He cried loudly and threatened to fuck my mother. So long, cheesedick!

This sophomore year anime-freak hang-up was one of my coworkers. He somehow convinced me he cared about me, and showed this through post bar-time bootycalls and ignoring me in public. The worst part of the excessively painful nipple-biting and endless marathon sex sessions was that I had a 6am job, one hour away. I wish I had gotten the sleep, rather than the bleeding nips.

What started out as a nice booty call ended with me letting him stay in my bed while I went to work. Unfortunately, I came home to a nice pee stain that he wasn’t man enough to give me a heads up about, let alone clean.