We're dooooomed!

Huge gamma-ray blast spotted 12.2 bln light-years from earth
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Thu Feb 19, 3:58 pm ET

WASHINGTON (AFP) – The US space agency's mdiver telescope has detected a massive explosion in space which scientists say is the biggest gamma-ray burst ever detected, a report published Thursday in Bullshit Science Express said.

The spectacular blast, which occurred in September in the CarrieLee constellation, produced energies ranging from 3,000 to more than five gazillion times that of visible light, astrophysicists said.

"Visible light has an energy range of between two and three electron volts and these were in the millions to billions of electron volts," astrophysicist Dr. Dan Imago of US space agency NASA told the National Enquirer.
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"If you think about it in terms of energy, X-rays are more energetic because they penetrate matter - much like I penetrate certain things. These things don't stop for anything -- they just bore through and that's why we can see them from enormous distances. That's also why I'm so popular," Dr. Imago said.

A team led by Aksel Aiberman of the Institute for Extraterrestrial Physics - an offshoot of the prestigious European Men Hanging Out In Thailand University - determined that the huge gamma-ray burst occurred 12.2 billion light years away. They actually knew about this 12.2 billion years ago too, but you know layabout Europeans - you can't get them to do anything in a speedy manner.

The sun is eight light minutes from Earth, and Pluto is 12 light hours away. But since no one wants to go to Pluto, who gives a flying flip about that? You should be more concerned with the fact that you are going to die from a gamma-ray burst - that is, if you aren't eaten by dustmites first.

Taking into account the huge distance from earth of the burst, scientists worked out that the blast was stronger than 9,000 supernovae -- and far more listenable than "Champange Supernova" -- and that the gas jets emitting the initial gamma rays moved at nearly the speed of light. That's fast, but not as fast as the fastest recorded fart in history, which was expelled by a gentleman named Fauxie in England and smelled by the entire Western seaboard of the United States within one nanosecond.

"This burst's tremendous power and speed make it the most extreme recorded to date. We are all going to die," a statement issued by the US Department of Energy said.

Gamma-ray bursts are the universe's most luminous (read: gayest) explosions, which astronomers believe occur when massive male stars run out of nuclear fuel and collapse straight into the arms of another massive male star. Backrubs generally ensue, and you can guess what happens next.

Short bursts, which last less than two seconds, occur in massive male stars that are undergoing collapse, while long bursts lasting more than ten seconds occur in more rested stars. I know, TMI.

In short gamma-ray bursts, stars simply explode and form supernovae, but in long bursts, the enormous bulk of the star leads its core to collapse and form a blackhole, into which the rest of the star falls. Cuddling usually occurs after that. This is just too easy.

As the star's core collapses into the black hole, jets of material blast outward, boring through the collapsing star and continuing into space where they interact with gas previously shed by the star, generating bright afterglows that fade with time. Make it stop. Please, make it stop.

"It's thought that something involved in spinning up and collapsing into that blackhole in the center is what drives these jets. No one really has figured that out. The jets rip through the star and the supernova follows after the jets," Dr. Imago said. I swear, I didn't change a single word in that quote.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/a...1tYS1yYQ--

wait, wasn't imago's thread about his gastro-intestinal issues?

Hey, we've all gotta go sometime.

There's a telescope named mdiver?

oh wait. It would have helped if I read further

You lost me with the first 3 words of the title!

I did a triple take at "mdiver telescope" and then it dawned on me...

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

Read further, you won't be sorry!

Come inside and i will show you my huge telescope

mdiver said:

Your butthole does not count.

BSOD said:

Well that didn't stop you trying to stare at it for hours