He'll tell you when he's ready to tell you.

Tell his father and let him handle it

Harlepolis said:

Unless the father is going to be a real prick about it

Tell his father and let him handle it

Genesia said:

I more or less agree with this. Just remember one thing, that this is a hard line to cross. I was born gay and still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone even though my birthday suit was a pink tutu with fairy wings, and a wand full of pixie dust

Just let him know you support him and love him whatever's going on in his life and if he ever wants to talk about any issues he's having there is an open door. that let's him know he has the option to tell you and you didn't ask.

Harlepolis said:

Unless the father is going to be a real prick about it

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I meant the substance abuse thing the sexuality will be revealed in time.

But the drugs/booze thing gotta be dealt with,,,and if it requires some TOUGH love(which in most cases, they do) then go ahead and be the bad guy.

I'd rather be the bad guy than end up outliving my child that will - literaly - kill me.
[Edited 2/10/09 11:13am]

It has been my experience with gay men who have just or are about to come out that they often go through a rather reckless stage - drinking, drugging, etc. It's part of the process and is usually temporary.
[Edited 2/10/09 11:16am]

Harlepolis said:

His father (my husband) is not the best communicator. He just avoids difficult situations. He and I have talked about this for the 8 years we have been together. It's sad to think the step son has to keep everything so secretive. I wonder if any of the alcohol/drug issues play into that.

It has been my experience with gay men who have just or are about to come out that they often go through a rather reckless stage - drinking, drugging, etc. It's part of the process and is usually temporary.
[Edited 2/10/09 11:16am]

Harlepolis said:

His father (my husband) is not the best communicator. He just avoids difficult situations. He and I have talked about this for the 8 years we have been together. It's sad to think the step son has to keep everything so secretive. I wonder if any of the alcohol/drug issues play into that.

Genesia said:

Yes. I think all of us will tell you we had our party days. Just like straight sons though. Since there is the whole secrecy and double life, some gay men and women can overdo things because they are running. I think the best thing to do is have a straightforward conversation about partying. If it's a hangover once in a while, not such a big deal but if he's doing hardcore drugs all the time and loaded constantly it should be dealt with.

In my personal experience, the height of my alcohol abuse came when I was still in my abusive relationship. Once I left that relationship and moved back into my apartment by myself, I had the realization that I didn't need to drink so much because the drinking was a means of escape. I was free and therefore didn't need it as much.

Conveying an open door to him is at least a step in easing his mind and once he can come to terms with it and can be honest about it then the abuse of substances might just reconcile itself naturally.

Good luck honey

rnljs said:

Does your husband have shame issues about possibly having a gay son?

...and how do people come out as "bi"?

Is this about making you more comfortable with the situation or him?

I think you should just ask him. I see nothing wrong with asking your son about it. He'll either answer honestly or not and you'll have to just deal with what he decides to tells you.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I can't imagine how hard it is. We have tried to have public discussions around him about our support for gay marriage rights and our anger at the prejudice.

rnljs said:

Well I am 38 (39 next month) and I am barely set to tell my grandmother face to face. I have been out for 21 years I only confirmed it to my dad this year. Because of culture issues, my dad is Mexican, I have had to consider the macho shit and that is why it took me so long. But my dad did drop hints along the way that confirmed that he knew I was gay so it made it easier for me to do.

Depending on how hardcore the drug/alcohol use is I think that is the issue that you deal with first. Just keep the doors open because whether you know it or not if you have dropped hints in front of him, he's noticed them. In his own time he'll tell you. Try not to force it because you don't want him feeling caged.

ScarletScandal said:

I don't know.
I am 100% sure about relationships with men, but he has also had some shallow public hook ups with women. So, I really don't know.

I don't have any close friendships with anyone gay or lesbian. I really don't have any idea about how he feels or what to do. I know there are several ogers thah could help.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Does not being able to be completely open about it to everyone hurt you? I would think the frustration would come out in other ways. I have never had to hide anything so significant.

rnljs said:

Well yes and no. In many ways you just deal with things and move on. If someone is still in the closet at my age they have massive issues that you can't even begin to quantify. I have never had one of my boyfriends as part of the family. I have had a 3 year relationship and a 5 year relationship, neither of which my parents met the man I was involved with. It just seemed easier that way.

Not until the other day when we were talking about my brother breaking up with his girlfriend who we all loved did I really stop to think that I've been cheated in a way. I mean the cretan my sister is involved with is in our family for worse and the men I've been involved with it's just as well that I didn't introduce them because those relationships were fucked up anyway. But even my 15 year old nephew could be open and trumpet the fact he had a girlfriend

But I'm set to start school this year which is going to change my life in amazing ways and when I find that man that I know I am destined to be with, this time he will be part of my family. But it's taken a long time to get to this point though. I've been out to my immediate family for 20 years now, my extended family mostly although not everyone because I have religious crazies who it's just better to ignore completely

Gosh, I wish I could have a sit down with your son! I wish you all the best and if you need advice, you know the org gay mafia will always be here to assist
[Edited 2/10/09 12:03pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I wish you could talk to him too. I think that part about not being able to share that important part of your life is a loss for you and the family. A mom wants to see their child is happy and that they have found someone who brings out the best in them.I wish that holidays were with him and who is important to him. I wonder if it could be that way, would some of his other choices be different.