Because some people can't help themselves, I want to start this out by respecfully asking that this thread not become an indictment in any way on this mother and how she is living her life. The thread isn't about that so please if you feel the need to comment on that, just don't as I'll report it to the mods if you do.




I take a train part of the way home from work every night. When I got off the train last night I had 30 minutes to kill before my bus came so I stopped to get something to eat. When I was at the counter I saw a little box with a picture of a baby on it and there was a note that said the baby died on 1/20/09 and that any contributions, even pennies, towards paying for the funeral costs would be appreciated.

I canceled one of my sides and put the money along with the loose change I had in my pockets in the box. I was saddened to see something like that. I turned and put my bag on one of the tables and grabbed my phone to send a text when it hit me and I gasped because I realized that I recognized the baby and now knew where from. I went back to the lady at the counter and asked her if that was the baby of one of the girls that worked there. She stopped, turned away, and then turned back with tears in her eyes and said yes.

I have seen that woman with her kids in there before. She's had them there usually towards closing. Occassionally I have seen her oldest son, who is probably about 9 or 10, behind the counter helping put food in bags and handing them to customers. I have no idea if she has a husband or a boyfriend but have never seen a man there with the kids. It's likely that she is a single mother.

I remember the baby, who is probably a year or younger as she was always in one of those little car seat type things that you can carry like a basket while you're walking.

I am so sad and heartbroken for her. I know of people who have lost children and I can't imagine what they have gone through. I say my prayers and give thanks all the time that the children in our house are healthy and alive. To lose any of them would be crushing in the most unbelievable way. I respect and send love to all those out there who have lost a child.




This leads me to the point of this thread. I was thinking of ways to possibly help this woman. She works at a fast food place so she probably doesn't make shit for wages. It's also likely she either has minimal or no insurance to cover something like this. What kind of fucking society do we live in that a mother would have to put a box on a counter begging for fucking pennies to bury her baby? I am just so upset and angry and hurt about that I can't truly explain how much so.

I don't know how to/if I should, approach this. Are there legal ramifications involved in collecting money to help her? Do I need a license, permit or permission from the government? Without publically disclosing donations by anyone here who wanted to make one, I really have no way of proving that every cent would go to help her but rest assured I would never take one penny of the money in any way shape or form for my own use or gain.

I have tried calling the restaurant to find out where the services (which is Monday) are going to be held. So far I can't get an answer. Perhaps one way of helping is to send money directly to the mortuary itself? If I can get a hold of the mortuary I can hopefully discuss what options this mother has as far as her arrangements with them.


Anyway, I don't want people to feel like they have to contribute. If not one person wanted to, or could, or felt led to I'm going to make my own contribution so that's at least something. I wanted to express my feelings about this and if anybody has done something like this before, I'd appreciate your input on the how tos and since this is so sudden and last minute, if it can't materialize because there is simply not enough time to do it, I'm at peace with that. Just thought I'd try.....

Oh boy.
There aren't words for how terribly sad this is. My heart goes out to the family, especially the mommy, of that little one.
I'd keep trying to call the restaurant - or stop there again to find out about the funeral home.
If you collect money privately, I don't think there are any legal ramifications to it. I would imagine if you're asking people for donations on the street or going door-to-door there probably would be. I'll be out with Elena and Kristine later - we'll call you and brainstorm about this, ok?

Richard. I will contribute, even if it's $10. Let me know where you would like me to send it. Even if you have to put the $10 in the box that they put up in the restaurant.

Wow...this is truly sad.

Being the Father of three girls...the single biggest fear I have by far is having to bury one of my girls. I cannot even imagine the full extent of the grief she and her family must be going through right now.

As far as you collecting money for her...I wish I could answer your question but I have no idea. I would imagine, and this is just a guess, but if you collected money for this person it would go unnoticed by any Govermnment agency so you would probably be safe to do it...but again that is just my guess.

I would like to think that this child didn't die from neglect, just an undiscovered illness or SIDS which could happen in any family...

It is sad that she can not afford to bury her child immediately, many live paycheck to paycheck, so who even can imagine being prepared for something like this.

There is power in numbers, the more people you can rally in your community to start a fund raiser the better. Speak to co-worker or boss, to see what the situation is, make sure to confirm that there is a death (I don't think she would scam anyone, but just to be sure, before you proceed), then start a fund raiser. Also ask businesses (funeral home about discounts to see if one can help, or point you to someone who can).

This must be so hard on the children, when you have little the comfort of each other is what strengthens and gives hope. I really hope this mom gets counseling, besides grieving, she has to be strong enough not to take time to mourn in order to afford to bury her baby.

My prayers go out to that family.

What a terrible thing. No mother or father should have to say goodbye to their child.

I am not aware of your legal system but surely collecting and handing money over for such a worthy cause is not against the law.

I don't know anything about the legal stuff around raising money in the US

However, I'm just commenting on this thread because you're a good man, Richard.

Richard...you are a wonderful man, with a caring heart! I would look into talking to churches, or the funeral home handling this. There has to be something out there to help her. It saddens me that she lost her baby, and saddens me that she had to come to that. My heart goes out to her and her family.

sometimes they can set up a collection fund at a bank or something like that
all i would need is the place to send it...
i believe you would make sure it would get to where it belongs...
so, like miguelgomez says...

miguelgomez said

People I know who have raised money for funeral expenses have just done it, they have never asked for permission to do so. But then they knew they family and were able to give the money directly to the family.
If you don't get the info on where to take the money you could always take what you collected and put it in the box at restaurant

and you are so kind for trying to help this family out


for the family

paintedlady said:

this was part of the reason why I opened this thread the way I did. The fact that she brought her kids to her work, which is illegal I'm sure and could get her in a lot of trouble if her employer found out, says a lot about her. At least she didn't just leave them home, wherever. She had them with her and the situation wasn't perfect, obviously, but she at least cared enough to have them in her presence.

I saw the baby 3 times and she was so good with her and the baby always looked clean and cared for, as do all her children. The oldest son is the cutest thing and when he handed me that bag full of food that one time, I gave him the warmest smile because as far as I'm concerned she is teaching him how to contribute and be responsible. Things might not be perfect for her and her family but I have no doubt she loves those kids. None at all.

Also, I have been stopping at this place for a while and know the workers socially and the reaction of the girl when I asked if it was the baby of her co-worker was unmistakable. That or she deserves an Oscar!

.
[Edited 1/23/09 12:56pm]

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

me too.

let me know.

Richard your heart is always in the right place!!! Do you have a PayPal account?? May be we can send money to it and then you give the actual monies to the funeral home!!!

When my cousins husband died,a bank account was set up for people to make donations to help her pay for the funeral costs. I don't know if that would be an option,since the account would most likely have to be made in her name.

This is so sad.
[Edited 1/23/09 13:05pm]

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Supa, your heart is just too big for your body. What an awful circumstance.

I still can't get through to the restaurant so I'll have to stop by. Not sure i can make it tonight but I'm going to see if I can find a nearby church and see if they can help.

It is so wonderful that you are wanting to help. A truely sad story. As a mother, I just can't imagine how hard that is.

Supa,

Have you considered opening a bank account for funds to help?

Many ways to raise money. How about your local church? How about contacting media such as radio stations? How about asking for donations from co-workers?

Bless your heart Richard


For the little angel

OK, I just called the church a friend of mine attends and the sitting reverend tried to read me the act.

Do you know how strange this call sounds? We get at least 20 requests a day for people who need help and lots of people try to scam the church, not saying you are but we have to be concerned about that.

All I wanted to know is if the church would be interested in doing the outreach to this young woman....

I understand her concern and all but she could have been a little more full of God's spirit in that convo

They better not even get up to dickens when I go there face to face.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

can you find out about HER church? would her co-worker know about that?

paintedlady said:

at this point I'm not sure about anything I'm going to go back over the weekend. Hopefully her co-workers will know more by then. the baby died just the day before.

I also talked to my friend and he's willing to petition his church members when I give him all the details. Wish me luck on getting them

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

so sad! if i can help, i will, just give me the info./address.

thank you to everyone who expressed an interest to help. I will keep you posted if I need to call on you

Supa,

What a generous spirit you are.

My heart goes out to the woman and her famiy.

Keep us posted. I'll certainly help.

You are so thoughtful and caring Supa. She sounds like a brilliant mum who did the best for her kids and I can't imagine the pain she must be going through right now. I don't think I'd be able to go on if anything happend to either of my girls. I just pray that she'll find a way through.

I think that someone asked if there was a paypal account? I'd like to send something but I'm in the UK, so I think that paypal is the only way for me to get money to you in time.

Keep us posted Supa, and here - take one of these for yourself

Jeez, that's sad. You're a good man, Richard. Not many people would try to help someone like you are if they weren't immediate family.

I don't have any money to send, though I would if I did, so take this

I wish I could hug you for real right now.

It's very possible that she was on Medicaid, and if so, Medicaid has a fund that helps with funeral expenses. She would need to get in contact with Medicaid regarding that. I would also contact any of the local charity organizations in that area and ask if they know of any charity that would help towards funding for a funeral for an infant. Also, keep in mind that depending upon what the baby died from, some organizations that are geared toward childhood diseases and such may have funds available to help pay for funeral costs. Also, contact local hospices, they sometimes have foundations set up to help pay for funeral costs and can tell you how to get in contact with those foundations. Also, contact the local fire department and possibly police department, they can also possibly steer you toward organizations that can help with funeral costs. And, keep in mind that sometimes funeral homes can direct you to foundations and organizations to help defray funeral costs, and sometimes, those same funeral homes will help to minimize the costs. I had a patient who had nothing to help with funeral costs, and had no family. The funeral home deducted a large part of the funeral expense, and the funeral director stated that no one should go without having some kind of memorial service. What he didn't deduct, a foundation covered the rest.

I think it's very commendable to want to help the family. You can gather donations together for this family without having to go through any particular channels, however, it's still risky, because if someone really wanted to call you on it, whether the money went where it was supposed to, they could. Keep meticulous records of who gives you what, and when you give it to whoever you give it to, have them sign a statement showing that you gave them however much you give to them. That way it shows the money went where it was supposed to.

An old fiance of mine, had left me for my best friend and they ended up getting engaged. About 2 weeks before they were to marry she was in a car accident which took her life. She left behind two small children from a previous marriage and it broke my heart to think of them being without their mom, so I collected money for them. I kept a detailed account of how much was collected, who had given me what, on what date, and then delivered it to my ex-fiance's mom, who signed a statement showing that I had given her almost $600. I had one individual question me on it, and I was able to pull those records forward and show how much that individual had given me, on what date they'd given it to me, and how much I had given to my ex-fiance's mom, which the figures matched exactly what I had recorded that I had gathered. Also, give receipts that they gave you that amount, and keep copies of those receipts.

Good luck sweetie, and my heart goes out to this mom and her remaining children. It's hard losing a baby. It's not something that you get over easily. Also, if you speak with her, find out if there is a grief group in your area and recommend that she go. The support really helps.

benni said:

Thank you for all your advice baby At bingo if they give me an extra ticket I run and pay for it right away I'm a freak when it comes to stuff like cheating. Can't do it because I know there would be ramifications and stealing money that is supposed to go to the expenses of a dead baby is a death sentence far as I'm concerned But thank you for your contribution. I means a lot to me