Hello, orgers. It's squiddy returning to the org after what could be months (for computer detox purposes, considering computer addiction was one reason I became so unhappy with my still-young life if I may prematurely skip ahead to the topic at hand for a fleeting moment). I swore to myself that I would never return to this place again... it was beginning to no longer offer anything for me what with the incessant "pop tart" topics in the Non-Prince forum (which used to be my favorite) and the constant race/racism topics in P&R (I don't really believe in the concept of 'race' anymore; I'd elaborate on that but I don't wish to for fear that this'll get moved to that very forum).

But if there was one truly important thing that the org offered for me, it was the love and support of my fellow orgers... people that I didn't know in person and never really got to be that close to even in cyberspace... but people that nevertheless had gotten me through some hard days and gave me a renewed sense of hope. It was on a day like this that I decided to come back here for a visit, and hopefully receive that same blessed support that I cherish so much from you guys here.

Today was a sort of day that's not much different from the days that usually occur now. Make no mistake... in the past three months alone, I have had some AMAZING times: All the recitals/events/field trips with my chorus at school.. Disney's Magic Kingdom with my best friend.. Nine Inch Nails and Sevendust concerts.. Universal with my non-immediate family.... but a typical day in the life of me sees nothing but sorrow and desperation for a better tomorrow.

In the past year, I have come to realize what an overall failure my adolescence has been: Eversince junior high (I'm a senior in high school now), I have been one of those kids that border on having nothing and being nothing. I've never had many friends.. I have almost no social life to speak of.. I stopped doing well in school after 5th grade (I'm getting testing for ADHD on the 3rd, which after all these years I've realized could very well be the cause since I experience telltale symptoms).. I don't have many interests or passions to live for.

Could all of the above be fixed if I just had confidence and believed in myself? I'm sure of it. Has my life been shitty compared to that of an abused/neglected child, drug addict, etc.? Absolutely not. But each of the following I'm about to list are just about all I've known growing up in terms of family and home life: Severe, deranged mental illness. Screaming. Alcoholism. Meth addiction. Gambling. Frequent fighting. Domestic abuse. Immaturity. Ignorance. Bigotry. Despair. Tears. Bad health. Foul language. Divorce threats. Self-harm. Every form of dysfunction and unhappiness you can think of. For nearly two entire decades.

My family used to think I was the strong one... that one that just took all the pain, the hurt, the hard knocks, and bullshit like it didn't faze me. The quiet one in the corner listening to everything, witnessing it like a trooper. But in reality, the years of trauma have only broken me down bit by bit, made me insane, made me lose my faith and hope in everything. Whenever I feel the black hole of misery closing in on me (which it does quite often), I try to run away to what I feel are 'safe places': Music.. God/prayer.. writing.. the few good friends I have.. memories of sunshine.. etc. But right when I think the pieces in my head are glued back together, I either find some flaw in my temporary 'savior' that spoils it for me or something happens to just fuck my good mood all up.

On a simultaneously random and related note, I've been thinking A LOT lately about the boy I can't help but love. Last year (a few of you may remember my story), I gave him a confession letter that I liked him and he shot me down three weeks later when I brought it up to him. Then, at the end of the school year, I gave him a necklace and a farewell later and he said nothing about that, either. Not even one thank-you. I don't blame him if all of it was a tad unsettling for him, but all the same, I believe I've finally figured out the real reason that I have such deep feelings for him to this day, despite him turning a hurtful blind eye TWICE: He has everything that I don't. A stable, loving home life. Academic status and achievement. A healthy, happy social life. Acceptance and admiration from his peers. Confidence. He's my inspiration and role model, and I only wish he could understand just how deeply I still care about him and want nothing but the best for him (including a future girl that falls for him for HIM like I did). It's unhealthy to obsess over him the way I do (which I why I keep my distance from him these days) and I want to let go of him so badly, but I guess it's no surprise when I sometimes feel like my whole existence is one big vice.


So, I could ramble on and on about my feelings like a never-ending diary entry all night, but I'll stop here. Anyone that can give me some tips on how to deal with my bad depression even after the therapy and possibly meds? Because although I'm 18 and am going to get a driver's license and find work soon (which will thankfully provide me some much-needed freedom), I don't think just the hope that I will escape my traumatic environment sooner or later is enough to get me out of this hell.

First off, the boy you liked, that you thought had everything...you really have no idea what his life is really like. Appearances do not make the person...and who knows, he may be going though as much pain as the next person....or maybe not. Maybe you're infatuated with the idea of him being the perfect boy, instead of really being taken in by who he really is.

Second, your struggles, although they are yours alone to deal with, you are not alone in terms of having to deal with life's struggles. Did that makes sense? What I mean is, there are others out there that are hurting like you are - going through their own challenges and pain.

Lastly, you need to keep reaching out as much as you can to real people around you. That could be in the form of a friend, family member, doctor or support group. It may be your problems to deal with...but you don't have to do it without support from others.

find a support group, don't be alone,
orgnote me if u ever need to talk.
There are people who care. Please
don't give up on yourself. Don't
measure your existence by what you
don't have. Write often. Let it out.
You are just a baby...accept yourself
and grow to love u. Stay connected.
There is much love here at P org...
keep reaching out. It's been a bit
crazy around here lately but the majority
are a good caring bunch. We all share a
love and passion for Princes music and that
is a blessing... look deeper and I'm sure
you'll find many more blessings.

JustErin said:

Not true. While you have a good point about me not knowing what his life could REALLY be like, I don't like him because of his seemingly 'perfect' image... I like him because I think he's a great guy (even if he turned me down): Funny, intelligent, caring, etc. There's millions of other guys out there like that, and I really should just move on already (I'd definitely like to), but like I say, when you struggle with depression and a bad home life for so long, and then you meet someone that makes you smile and inspires you like that (he's the first guy I've ever really liked), you can never really totally forget about it.

But thanks for the reply.