I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and we got into a disagreement about cheating. Here is the situation:

She has been involved in a long distance relationship with a man for six years. She lives in Michigan and he lives in California. He will fly to Michigan to spend time with her once or twice a month, once every few months if they fight. Anyway, we all know that he sleeps with other women when he is home... past girlfriends, new girlfriends, whoever... while there is no solid proof, it's just known.

She will also have relationships with other men while he is away...sexual and emotional relationships. Neither of them really have proof of the other one doing anything with anyone else, but they both sort of just "know" and let it slide and it is not talked about until one of them becomes jealous.

Her take: It is not cheating because it is a long distance realtionship and if he would commit to her enough to live with her then it would stop. However, if she found solid proof of his cheating, she would dump him.

My take: It is cheating since she is having a relationship with another and he isn't aware of it and that regardless of the distance, they are supposed to be in a commited relationship and along with that is a little something called "trust". She said I was way off base. Am I?

Isn't there some kind of zip code rule? If you're in another zip code than it's not considered cheating





J/K...

CarrieLee said:

That must be what her thinking is... lol She really got pissed at me, trying to justify why it was okay that she was sleeping with all of these men behind her "man's" back.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me...

Where is this relationship going? That's the important thing. How old is your friend and what are her plans regarding relationships, family etc? It doesn't sound like it's doing either of them any good. I would have to agree with you that it is cheating, if pushed, but more than that it's just not a healthy way to go about a relationship, however you want to label it. It's not a good idea to get into bad habits just in case the right one does come along.

my opinion Azure is the only reason she says u r way off base is because she knows its cheating...that may sound stupid but i think she is probably being defensive. she obviously doesn't think everyting she is doing is ok cause if it was she wouldn't say she'd dump him for doing it...
i agree with u 100%...
on the other hand they sound like they deserve each other...

With all that going on, why do they even need each other? That would be my first question, to both of them.

AzureStar said:

no you're not in my opinion...there's no grey area on this as far as i'm concerned...i've had long distance relationships before...but i was commited to the relationship...cheating is the one thing i will never tolerate...and it's as much because of the fact that i'd emotionally torture the other person if i stayed with them as anything else... like jeff buckley said in last goodbye..."i'd only make you cry"

fudoshinanzan said:

That's just it... they both realize that they will NEVER live together again. She left her husband six years ago and moved out to California with him, it didn't work out and she moved back a year later. Currently she just filed for divorce after not speaking to her husband for six years.. it's a mess and another story entirely.

The fact is, both her and her boyfriend know that it isn't working, but neither of them will give the other up. They wear wedding rings and tell people that they are married when he is in town, but the next week she is out to the club with some other guy. It is insane! It certainly isn't healthy and it's actually a little embarrassing to say I know her. And she wonders why I never take her advice... lol

lillith said:

I think you're right... she almost had me convinced that I was completely way off base here.

MrBliss said:

I wouldn't be able to do it either... I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Very unhealthy minds attract..

I like my relationship in the same town.
[This message was edited Tue Nov 26 11:19:59 PST 2002 by sag10]

AzureStar said:

Sounds like they both like the non-commital, long distance relationship thing --where they can even pretend they're married once i a while...which leads me to believe they're both comfortable in La-La Land.
If i were you, i wouldn't even get into it, as you may come off as attempting to sway her feelings about it--which won't likely happen--and will only hamper your friendship. On the other hand, if this is getting in the way of your friendship, it may be a signal to you that her 'non-commital' ways are affecting you too--but the boyfriend thing really is nothing that affects you in and of itself.