This week has been rough, well, the last few weeks really, ok, the last few years i guess you'd say....


you might remember i lost my older sister Jill to breast cancer last year on thanksgiving, a loss im still dealing with today almost a year later it still seems so unreal and many times i still go to the phone to call her only to stop in my tracks with what feels like someone kicking me in the stomach. it makes me sick to think that shes gone.... she was so full of life and so young, she was my older sister - but more than that she was my friend. she taught me how to put on my make-up, taught me about boys (all the stuff my mom didnt teach me lol), she laughed with me and cried with me when i needed to, she believed in me and cheered when i succeeded in whatever i was doing at that time, she held my hand when i was scared, and wiped my tears when i needed her there. She helped get me ready on my wedding day, the same way she helped me get ready for my first day of junior high... she was present, involved, ready, and carried herself with great pride. she was honest and pure, but sinfully funny and one of the best margarita makers i have ever met!!! i will miss her until the day i see her again - im not sure they serve margaritas in heaven, but im sure she will have come up with something else equally wonderful by then.... for my sis....


but the past couple months have been spent watching my uncle, he is fighting cancer that he was told would kill him in 6 months to a year, that was 17 years ago!!! My uncle has been fighting for his life since he found out, a very strong man physically and mentally... he was once a healthy 6'2 about 220lbs. he is now nearly 95 lbs, the shell of what he once was. He is a professor at the university of michigan, very well respected and liked amoung both students and staff alike. his goal was to see his last child, his only daughter graduate high school, when he recieved the news of the cancer she was but 3 WEEKS old... sadly, that day will not come for him as he is nearing the end of his battle, they are moving him to a 24 hour care facility tomorrow to 'keep him comfortable', we all know what that means my heart is very heavy as i think of his family, he and his wife have the kind of love that most of us only dream of - she is TRUELY the center of his heart. she stands by him day in and day out with all the love they have surrounding them, i cannot imagine the way she feels saying goodbye to her best friend and soulmate.... i pray for peace for them, i pray they will find at least a moment of comfort to reflect of all they have shared and all they have accomplished together. i talk to his oldest son everyday, some days many times a day, hes trying to hold it together but he breaks down often crying that this is all so unfair, the emotions pour from his soul like blood from an open wound... my heart breaks to hear him like this. i pray for peace for his children and their journey ahead, so many days comming that they will miss their father and wish he was there...


my dear friend is currently taking care of her mother who is dying of cancer. she moved her home to stay with her during this time because she didnt want her to go anywhere else, she didnt want anyone else to care for her, and she didnt want to miss any moments with her mother... my friend is strong, but this is taking its toll on her in many ways. i can tell that her heart is breaking more each day. yesterday when i spoke to her, she thought that was the day, but her mother woke this morning with a deep sigh of yet another day of goodbyes and tears, she is searching for her peace and has come to terms with the idea, says she is ready to go now, yet because it is not her day, she sees yet another sunrise and sunset as she waits to go home to the family that has passed long ago, she talking to them daily now and makes remarks of a beautiful place she will go to. she has said many comforting things about where she is going, things that lissa can hang on to when her mamma goes, for if her family is there waiting for her, she knows that her mother will also be waiting for her when she arrives....


i spend a lot of time talking to my other dear friend, her mother passed last easter. we talk of how its not real yet, and how it touches you in some way everyday - sometimes several times a day. we visit with each other because we understand the pain, yet, i think a part of it is because there is no place to go with the sadness inside. i know if given the chance we would both rather talk to the ones we've lost, if only for a moment, one more chance to say i love you, one more chance to say how very much they meant to us....


there is a lot of death surrounding me now, its hard sometimes and i wonder why all this is happening - its all so unfair. each of these lovely people had so much to live for, such good hearts and such a happy smile... if they are all angels in heaven, or angels on the way, i know we will have many people watching out for us - and we need it, life here is tricky sometimes.
[Edited 11/16/08 11:09am]
[Edited 11/26/08 21:17pm]

my best friend recently lost her father to cancer... just one of way too many

I'm not a hateful person but I hate cancer





hang in there hon

I was thinking of you today as I know it is nearing the anniversary of the loss of your sister.





I'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. He sounds like a unique, strong loving soul.

Thank You For Sharing Your Pain

Cancer runs deep in my bloodline also. I am so sorry for your pain.

I feel u in more ways than 6.

npp, you're in my thoughts. It's always something that's loomed over so many of our heads. I have my first mammogram next Friday due to some irregularities--I almost saw this coming. I've always thought I was a little too blessed in my inner circle to not have been hit with the Big C, but here it might come. You're right. It's beyond unfair. I hope laughter has served you well through all of this somehow, as it's always been worth more than everything else combined in my own experience.

please hang in there.

Thank you guys


last night was emotionally draining, thank you guys for your kind words. as of now, my uncle and my friends mother are both still with us... so much pain, everyone i speak to daily is crying all the time heavy hearts all around


thank you again...

nakedpianoplayer said:

Wow, that's rough.

Life is shit sometimes, I lost my mum to cancer 19 years ago and it is still strange that she is not there.

I am doing all I can.....*runs back to the lab* trying to get clinical trials started soon!!

PREDOMINANT said:

a man in your position, i tip my hat, stay strong and fight, please.


thank you sweetheart

I wish you strength to deal with all that pain you are experiencing .

NPP I feel for you. Cancer runs deep in my family as well I lost both my parents from this. I will try to call you this weekend.

Cancer sucks we never know when any of our lives will be touched by this horrible disease!!! I will be thinking of you!!

Lissa lost her mamma this morning about 1:30am

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing loved ones is a very sad event


I am grateful that I can take time to spend a few moments with people that
mean the world to me, those moments are what will remain of them when they
are no longer among us. I cherish those moments as we all know it all can end
quickly.




the wife of my former boss was diagnosed with skin cancer this month.
the wife of another former manager was diagnosed with breast cancer this month.
a former colleague was diagnosed with leukemia this month.
a colleagues daughter was diagnosed with lymfomia this month.
I'm afraid the list will only grow longer
afaik noone in my family has died of cancer (-yet-)

nakedpianoplayer said:

my uncle is an incredible man, they are considering moving him OUT of the hospice place and taking him home

the man had a SPECK on his lung like 2 months back... they were focused on the tumor growing in the spine. they did surgery to remove that one and it left him paralized from the waist down they had him in occupational therapy to teach him how to live in the wheelchair, and then some how did an mri or something only to find out that the SPECK in his lung is now 7 INCHES long... he was coughing up bright red blood and unable to take in air, thus making it near impossible to talk, he was whispering and fighting for every breath he took. thats when we got the call that he had only a few hours left and mom flew out to michigan to be with her sister....


since then, he has GAINED strength everyday... he is sitting up talking, doing crossword puzzles and has gotten his mind back - for a good couple days he was completely outside his mind and talking about things that didnt make sense, also he was talking to people who had passed long ago - a sign that things are near the end, right?????


this man has been a fighter all his life, fought in vietnam war at 18, his family got a letter sent home saying he was killed in action, only to have a follow up letter sent home saying they were mistaken, he actually was in the hospital because he threw himself over a friend who was in the hole with him and saved his friends life but not before he took the shock of the impact...they were the only two to live out of i believe 14 men in there.

that is but one story of this mans life, the things he has done and the ability to carry on no matter WHAT cards he is dealt is freakin amazing.... looks like i jumped the gun a bit, he is not done fighting yet - if you pray, please put him in your prayers, he has a mission - something he has to do before he passes... i can only pray that that keeps him here for a long time to come!!!


go uncle

















.
[Edited 11/18/08 6:25am]

Hi Naked, I am sorry to hear about your loss. I will say a prayer for your uncle.

for your uncle

Prayers going out to your family

More 's and for Nekky, Nekky's family and friend.

npp, your uncle definitely sounds like a fighter. I work for a hospice as a social worker, and I am often amazed by the tenacity and strength of my patients. There are some that we think have a matter of hours and we will place them on Crisis Care, only to see them bounce back within a day or two. There are signs to watch for that will let you know when the time is getting close. I can put them on the board for you, but it will require some typing out, as it is a booklet we give out to patients/families to make the unknown a little more knowable. Let me know if you would like for me to do that. In the meantime, I'm keeping your uncle in my prayers and thoughts.

benni said:

thank you so much
see orgnote