Ok, so, I just broke up with a guy because he's too into me. And I wonder if I'm insane.

This is a dear friend of mine. And I'm breaking his heart. Because he's very in love with me and very intense about it and I can't take it. I kinda think this means that there's something wrong with me.

I want to be loved! I want a partner, and he wants to be one! I love him, I usually like him, and he's amazing in bed. He's kind and considerate and giving and sweet. But. . . I'm the center of his world. He lives life through me. I feel like he's eating my joy for breakfast. And I resent it. I want him to have his own joy, having nothing to do with me. I want his life to be fulfilling independent of me.

So that colors everything. Poisons everything. His touch doesn't feel good anymore. I don't look forward to spending time together. His gaze on me makes my skin crawl. It's awful. So I broke up with him.


But. . . WTF? I know I'm not the only one to leave somebody because they're "too clingy" or whatever. What the hell is wrong with intense love and devotion? I don't get it. I don't get why I can't just smile and accept and enjoy it.


Talk to me, people. Have you ever had that uncomfortable clunged (<-- totally a word) feeling? Did it kill the relationship? Or have you been more on the other side?

You're just not that into him.

And on a serious note; there can never be a total balance in a relationship; people are just too different. You need to find out to what degree you want to be loved and adored.

I am a thoughtless asshole, so I would be overwhelmed (read; 'panicked') if someone says; 'It is our four week anniversary.' I wanna BE with someone, share experiences, not plan everything.


canttypeedit
[Edited 10/22/08 6:53am]

a clingy partner would drive me crazy. i need my space!

did you try to talk to him about it and see if he can change or take up a hobby other than you?

There was a time in my life when nice guys would be a bit much for me too. I once dated a guy I just wasn't that into and I was horrible at saying that. I told him I couldn't hang out once cause I was sick, he offered to come over instead, I said no, cause my apartment's a mess, he then offered to come over and clean for me.
I turned down a man who was willing to clean for me just to hang out!

But yeah, it basically sounds like you're just not as into him as he's into you and you're best off ending it anyway. If it were the right guy, you probably wouldn't be so turned off by the clinginess.

CarrieMpls said:

Hell, if it was the right guy then you'd wear nipple tassles while he dressed up in a bear suit and, well.

Oh no. That was me.

HamsterHuey said:

HamsterHuey said:

Oh, you too? Cool.

Tell him to...



Sport Bounce's fresh new look and catchy phrases on a t-shirt - "Don't be so clingy."

CarrieMpls said:

You're probably right.

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

A clingy man is a warning sign of an insecure man. Some insecure men in time tend to become physically abusive and suspicious of you. You're better off leaving him. Either way, he will want you to be just as devoted, if you can not then you have to tell him.

paintedlady said:

He is insecure.

tackam said:

i think the dreaded cling factor can turn a perfect 10 into a drooling ogre in no time, and it's a crying shame. it's difficult to take someone at face value when they keep projecting all these ideals of how they want everything to be, and when they create all of these constructs that leave you feeling like you're committing to the relationship less because you genuinely want to be in it and more because you don't want to completely wreck this person's world. for the clingee, you become less of a partner and more of an emotional life support system, and it's easy to let yourself get resentful about that, not to mention that it's a big ol' turn-off.

i think every relationship has an element of cling to it. there's the whole familiar notion of "the one who loves more" and "the one who loves less" in a relationship, that the distribution of attraction in relationships is rarely a clean 50/50, but more like a 60/40, 55/45, etc. but even in pairings that are not completely perfect, i think if two people are just plain happy and comfortable, they find a way to fill in those gaps in a way that both people are satisfied and feel safe and secure in the relationship. not everyone can do that.

maybe you need someone who can give you a little challenge and make you work a little bit for their affection - someone to remind you why you're supposed to be crazy about them, instead of someone who constantly beats you over the head with their neediness. there's nothing wrong with that, other than i think you're in for a rare find.

In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller... "...you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work"....

So true.....

Anxiety said:

Nicely said. All of it.

I have trouble finding that balance with people, for sure.

I think it's important for me to be with people who inspire me. So many people are in love with being loved . . . fuck that. I'm interested in genuine mutual respect and admiration. Rare, indeed.

I don't think that you're insane. I think you're mature.

I used to be like this in my 20's. Not good.

I think that you should be crazy about someone but still have a life. I know that during the honeymoon stage people tend to spend every waking hour, and that's okay but don't get upset if that person has to do something without you.

That's the relationship that I'M looking for. When we're together we can be sickenly in love, if he has to go hang out with a friend for whatever reason, so be it.

Love ya Mel.

xxoo

tackam said:

That just made me very sad.

I'm the best of both worlds....something in my personality caused folks to cling to me like electromagnets....but I CAN'T STAND clingy people!!

...I'd rather get kicked in the

y'all some cold heartlesss muthafuckers.

Stymie said:

oh, we need you too.

come cling to daddy.

HamsterHuey said:

exactly what I think too, otherwise you'd be eating all that up, you even say: "I usually like him"

ZombieKitten said:

aw, come on though. you can be totally smitten with someone and after a while they're gonna get on your nerves now and then. that just comes from living with folks.

Anxiety said:

dunno, maybe
I guess it would drive me mental if I didn't feel as strongly towards him as he is demonstrating.

ZombieKitten said:

the love of my life can suck his teeth and i'll still want to smack that mouth.

thankfully, the love of my life does not suck his teeth.

Anxiety said:

see I'm so far past all that, I don't even remember any more

I'm beyond even being bothered by any odd habits

ZombieKitten said:

i'm beyond being polite about my partner's bad habits (and vicey versa, i think/hope), so i guess that's almost as good. complaining about each other's bad habits gives us something else to bitch about, which is always a good thing.

Anxiety said:

Yeah, I've known this guy since I was 15 (I'm 29). So. There's no way I was gonna like him every minute for 14 years.

unfortunately, i hold in great contempt and regal disdain, anyone who clings to my life-source in such a manner that they cannot function without me.

it is one of the greatest debasements of the human soul, to suck dry the living well of my inner sun, purely for their own emotional survival methods.

these types do not need personal intimate relationships.

they need a mother.

I have had a couple clingy lovers like that. If I may advise you - you have got to make sure that he sees that you and he need to be "we" some of the time, but you and he also need to be "you and he apart" some of the time. If he has no joy of his own, as you put it, try bringing some of his better qualities (minus the sex part unless you're cool like that) to light for him and suggest a hobby or interest for him, that you will reward by spending time with him as he talks about these things...