A train of thought piece, really. Nothing deep or explosive about it, but it's mine. I posted a few months ago, getting all dramatic about my personal crisis of not knowing what the fuck to do with my life, and this is a continuation of that. Read or not, as you like.

I feel trapped, living like this. Stuck. In a cage. I can't fathom a person being satisfied with living life this way. Certainly plenty of people choose to live this way, and they seem content with it. And if that's really the case, well jolly for them. Whatever works for a person, I suppose. But I know that I couldn't be happy staying in one place for the rest of my life. The house and the car and the mortgage and Serious Job are all designed to anchor a person in place. Most people think of this as safety and security. Better the known than the unknown. But I think of it as a prison. Lord, I was born a ramblin' man. I read Kerouac and Rimbaud, and I wish that could be me. I read about women pirates like Anne Bonny and wish I could be sailing in her place. She was a real pioneer, wasn't she? In an age when the most women were allowed to expect was to keep a tidy home and look good for the neighbours and the church, Ms. Anne was sailing the seven seas, and really living. No dour fireside perch for her.
I wish I'd been born a man. It's not that I have any real desire to change my sex. Being female suits me just fine for the most part, thank you. But I envy men their freedom. Even now, even in the 21st century, even in this age where we've supposedly reached a sort of equilibrium between the sexes, there are ways in which I'm still limited by virtue of having been born XX instead of XY. I'm supposed to want the safety and security of a home and a marriage and the inevitable ensuing family. I'm supposed to be afraid to walk alone or eat alone or just do anything at all by myself, really. Never mind hopping a train or a bus to wherever place it ends up. I'm supposed to neurotically plan and fuss over details, and concern myself with how fat I am, and have a taste for stupid, fizzy movies with happy endings. I am certainly NOT supposed to want to exist in transience. Living nomadically is frowned on no matter who you are, but it's at least tolerated if you happen to be a young man -just so long as it's only a phase; a pothole on the road to a Serious Job and Serious Life.
I won't delude myself into believing I'm the first person to ever think this way. That my desire for a real life and not just a plodding existence in any way make me unique. I'm not a snowflake, I'm the same angst riddled 20-something that lives in every house in every city in the world. I can't even pretend to be the first female who wanted something more than she was told to want. But where I hope to differ is that I intend to actually do something about it. And I don't mean the post-education cliché of backpacking around Europe for a few months, nor do I mean to find a job with a hefty vacation slot. Because that hardly counts, if you ask me. Living all day in a cage and escaping for 10 minutes, only to return willingly, can hardly be called any kind of a real life.
My absolute ideal is easy enough to describe. It's the matter of how I'd get there that's giving me trouble. I'd get rid of all but my most valuable possessions, and those I would perhaps keep in storage. I wouldn't have a house or a car or a mortgage or insurance or bills or property to worry about. I'd get rid of my phone, keeping only a quality laptop as a means of communication. My dog I would bring with me whenever possible, and if not would give to my mother or aunt to take care of. I'd miss him, for sure, but international law requires domestic animals be kept in quarantine conditions before travel, and that's neither practical nor fair to the animal. I'd retain Canadian citizenship for documentation purposes. I'd love to get rid of it and just be a citizen of the world, but in 2008 that's been impossible for quite some time, to put it mildly. No need to get earmarked as a terrorist and shoved in some dank cell by guards whose only ambition in life has been to bully people into submission. I may have wanderlust, but I'm not crazy.
But here's the wrench in my works: How the hell do I do any of this? Not how as in the logistics, because anybody with a map and a number for an airline can figure that out. But how as in, how can I possibly support myself if I live this way? It's a sad and pathetic fact of the human race that our entire way of being centers around slips of paper. So, dislike it as I might, I need to figure out a legal and ethical way to get ahold of enough of these little bits of wood pulp to finance this way of living. Not enough to be rich, because that's not my goal. If I was concerned with being rich I'd do like so many others and just go to medical school; actual compassion and concern and people skills apparently not necessary. It's not that I have a problem with working or holding an honest job. I'd prefer to, actually. But most jobs tie you in and tie you down to one spot, and I couldn't bear going the rest of my life on a leash. Having to do it now is bad enough.
I've been told I should be a writer. I never really gave it much thought. But hell, here I am, writing. And it looks readable enough, so maybe that's an idea to consider. What the hell would I write though? Train of thought stuff like this where I'm really just talking to myself is no problem, but do I have a plot in me? Could I pen a novel or a screenplay? Or would columns and opinion pieces be my thing? I'd give professional blogging a try, but my deep and probably unreasonable distrust of technology inhibits me a little on that field. I actually learned how to type using a good old-fashioned Brother typewriter. And though it shames me as a child of 1985, I barely even know how to turn on a computer. Never mind any of this business about setting up my own blog or website. God forbid a person from the past pop up in our time field and approach me to explain 21st century machinery, because I'd be useless. I don't own a digital camera or MP3 player, and to me a blackberry is still a tasty fruit. I'm hopelessly out of touch with modernity.
I must get off my ass now though. Shut down my monster machine and go do something useful today, since this morning's classes were a bust. Self-contemplation is lovely and deep and meaningful and good and all that other bullshit, but it won't get my laundry done. And I'm on my last pair of undies.

And if any of you have any suggestions, well shit, just fire away. Because God knows I haven't been able to think of anything.

beautifully written...

find a job that encourages you to travel...

I worked in outside sales and thanks to that I've been throughout Europe on the companies dime. Travel, hotel & food all paid for...

Sure I had to throw on a suit for the working part but when I was off the clock I did whatever the hell I wanted to in foreign lands.

Time of my life!

I just read a review of the most expensive travel destinations and most exclusive hotels in the world. People are PAID to travel around and stay at these places and write a bit about them! One guy got to stay in the cabin in an Airbus340 and was looking forwards to the A380, cabin with bathroom
I'm a homebody myself, but I would happily distill all my belongings to fit into one suitcase and travel around, as long as I would be comfy

RenHoek said:

Thanks.

Finding a job that either allows or requires me to travel is the way to go, for sure. My problem is I don't even have close to an idea what I'd do. Provided everything goes according to plan, I'll only have two semesters left of school to finish and I'll have my A. of A. So I can coast until that point, but then what? Hopefully between now and December '09 an idea bites.

ZombieKitten said:

I actually had thought about being a travel writer, but unless I worked freelance chances are I'd end up working for a company that paid me to upsell their product -lie, basically.

meow85 said:

You gotta get a job whoever it is that gives places their stars!

ZombieKitten said:

Staying in fancy hotels isn't really my thing.

meow85 said:

sorry I'm projecting

ZombieKitten said:

Well, you go stay in some extra-fancy digs for the both of us. I'll find me a train compartment.

Are you at all a writer? I mean what you posted was eloquent at best and if that is one of your talents then I would try to write a manuscript and with it try to become something of a traveling Dharma Bum. A Rachel Ray of the Road so to speak. I don't care if you like RR or not that's not my point, it's the concept I'm trying to sell you (I'm in sales, can you tell?). It was your train compartment comment that caught my eye. I once spent 8+ hours sleeping on the floor of a Ferry to England so that type of travel appeals to me as well.

If that ain't it there's always Air Hostess...

how many lives are just like yours..... me first.

RenHoek said:

Like I said, I've had comments before that I should be a writer but I'd never given it any serious thought. Writing for me is just something a person should be able to do reasonably well, it's not a passion of mine. But who knows? I haven't had any better ideas so it just might be something worth exploring.

...i can identify with you writings on this one.

I really enjoyed reading this - yesterday and again this morning

One of my fave parts =

"I don't own a digital camera or MP3 player, and to me a blackberry is still a tasty fruit. I'm hopelessly out of touch with modernity."

minus the digital camaera, this statement reminds me so much of me

Thanx for the insight and mirror

Mach said:

I've never even had a mobile phone so you're both doing better than me.

Cloudbuster said:

take MINE


.
[Edited 10/17/08 6:53am]

Mach said:

Hell, no. I must have had a dozen thrown my way in the last two years alone and they were all thrown straight back.

Cloudbuster said:

If I did not have aging parents and teens running round the place I would not own one

Mach said:

Yeah, I hear you. I've said until I absolutely need one then I'll cope without.
I mean, shit, millions still cope without electricity and running water, so...

sometimes i just have to sit back in awe of the awesome talent on the org.

Im 24 and I didnt know what I wanted to do for years, everything I thought of seemed to tie me down too much. All I could handle was focussing on what I wanted to do *now*. Thats the best advice I can give - its one thing preparing for the future but you can't predict the future, you need to do what you want now. If thats travel, investigate all the ways you can do it. All I mean is try not to spend too much time worrying about what to do with your life....just do what you want to do for now. If your mind changes, so be it.

Sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying

Cloudbuster said:

Have mine. I hate my phone so much. If I didn't need it for work to contact me I'd have my plan cancelled like that. Penalties be damned.

susannah said:

I get what you're saying. But right now I'm halfway through an Associate of Arts degree, and I'm getting kind of concerned about where to go from there. I've been wasting my time in the same bullshit servile jobs for the past 6 years, stuck pretty much in a holding pattern. I know what I want to do with my life -the same thing I've always wanted. The problem is trying to aim myself in some direction that will allow me to live the way I want to.

myfavorite said:

meow85 said:

I get that. Sounds like the same problem I had, but I don't have an answer for you Its difficult to figure out, I know...just try to make things good for yourself now and that will allow you more time to figure out how to get what you really want, without feeling totally sick of life!

susannah said:

Thanks.

Question, meow: Aside from a general wanderlust, what are some specific things you are passionate about?

Lammastide said:

Social justice and education.

meow85 said:

* Ever consider pursuing a nursing degree and becoming a travel nurse? There is a horrible shortage of nurses around the world, and there are many agencies that'll match you up to a hospital or clinic of your choice around the world and pay your rent and utilities for a contracted stretch of time. You could visit places most people could hardly afford, live there for months or years at a stretch and do substantive work to improve people's quality of life. I have a cousin who does this, and it's an amazing life!

* Ever consider teaching English abroad? Again, you could greatly benefit people's lives while being set up with a gig and a place to live. And, if I'm not mistaken, many of these positions are entry-level.

* Have you any church affiliation? If so, there's the possibility of joining a religious community as a lay member and doing social justice/mission work in different parts of the world. Often, a community would pool the resources that its members have (a great way to divest of your junk), and take on the provision of food, shelter, medical care and possibly employment. You wouldn't get rich doing this, but you'd be more than comfortable, you could perhaps go to school during this and you could be really helping poeple in need. And don't worry, this isn't like joining some cult. Also, "missionary work" isn't what it used to be: No longer are reputable churches kidnapping, abusing and forcing native peoples to take up religions foreign to them. These days, true mission is widely understood as tangible service to people's lives: teaching them to read, grow simple foods, etc. as an integral part of faith-based work.

...Just some ideas.
[Edited 10/19/08 23:24pm]