So I hate that this is the only place I feel like I can go to but I'm so...lost right now.

It's almost the end of high school for me and it's supposed to be a happy time.

Instead, I'm just so fucking angry and out of it.

I was so excited to go to my formal (prom) and was trying to organise a limo which i've SO BADLY wanted to do since god knows how long when I realised my friends were all making their way there with other people. My supposed best friend even took up a cheap limo offer with my worst enemy without even thinking about me. She just said "If it's cheap" not "I have to check with Jess first". When I said "What about me?" she just stuttered a lot and backtracked.

Which means if I went now I'd have been showing up alone like a total loser.

So I cracked it and said I don't wanna go anymore. But I so do. I know I won't enjoy myself but just the thought of missing my end of high school formal...I feel so pathetic. Lately, I've constantly been comparing myself to my cousin and I couldn't stand it if she knew I'd missed my formal. I can't stand the thought of people thinking I'm worthless. I never dress up, I have such a boring look and style it'd be great if people saw what I can look like when I try. I still remember my families shock when I put on that sequinned dress last year, they couldn't even get used to it and say nice things, they just kind of stared saying "oh..that's short..."

I'm showing off my photography at the school art expo tonight and I just feel like it's going to pale in comparison to everything else and that my mum and grandma will see that. They thought it was great when I was only showing them mine but now they're gonna see the whole art department's work.

I know my mum believes I'm gonna fail my exams, she's been saying it all year. The thought that she has such little faith and trust in me...I know I'm not going to fail but I probably won't score high enough for her liking. She got all confused last week when I got a B in English. It didn't matter that the teacher said I was great at imaginative essays and she gave the whole class a copy of my essay each to help them for the real exam....I got a B. Not an A. Ugh. My grandma's always saying all that matters is that you tried your best but my mum doesn't work like that. It's A or you failed in her book. And she never lets me live it down.

Anyway, I just had to post this even though I've totally embarrassed myself now but it was getting too much. I have no idea where my friends are right now I'm sitting by myself in the library typing this. They haven't even texted me or anything.

hey, don't be too hard on yourself. if you do want to go to the prom, than go! don't worry about what anyone else thinks!

as far as your mom and your grades, i think she should be proud of your "B".

cheer up, and don't let other people bring you down! stay positive!!!

This makes me so sad to hear that you're feeling so low.

Several people went to my highschool prom solo. Yes people... it was AGES ago.

I'm sure it hurts bad to have your friend do that. People at that age can be so mean.

It would seem silly for me to say don't worry about it so I won't. Just try and do your best each and every day. That's all we can really ask of ourselves. Too bad your mom doesn't focus on the positive more. That sucks.

I hope things get better.

kimrachell said:

Thanks but I can't go because she will arrive with my enemy and her group of bitches and she'll already have warmed up with them on the way and I'll just look all snooty if I take her away once I get there. Then it'll just be me and her and this other dude I can't stand. It's pointless. All of it.

All I know is, you looked absolutely gorgeous in that pic you posted in the dress. You haven't embarrassed yourself. I think you should go to the prom, looking awesome, and forget the whole limo incident. None of that will ever matter a jot in the years to come and you shouldn't miss out if you want to go.

Re the photography, I know that feeling. There will always be someone better. I put my stuff up on websites and sometimes feel disheartened seeing how much better some people are than me, but I understand I'm still learning. You can't be competitive about it. Once you're out of the school environment it'll be different most of the time. It's just you, your work, and trying to improve it by trial and error, learning from others' work, reading etc.

Fauxie said:

very good post! i agree 100%!

fuck them all and get a stretch Hummer

poor jess

stuff the rest of them- u only get one prom. u go girl

and congrats on ur "b". i bet a lot in ur class would have loved to get that grade

ZombieKitten said:

and , never apologize 4 venting- if we never vented once in a while- we would all explode
[Edited 10/14/08 19:45pm]

It's cool that you shared your feelings with us. First of all, it sounds like you mum is way harsh and making you feel bad about yourself when you have so many great qualities! The social world of high school is really hard, but it will pass. I didn't go to my prom. I know there's not much I can say to make you feel better, except that everyone goes through similar stages at your age. You're definitely not alone, if that's any consolation. There's a lot of pressure. Keep yourself real and be okay with that.

purplesweat said:

hmm...i didn't go to my prom, but it was for different reasons. just don't make a choice to regret later.

kimrachell said:

I didn't either, I spent the night at my friend's Laura, talking until dawn. Much more fun.

Go! I was pregnant and couldn't. Go for me.

Shit, I'd come and go with you if I could.

Do your own thing. Get a limo, get a hot dress, and go for yourself. If there's one thing I actually know, it's that the memories of high school are for you, not anyone else. In 10 years no-one is going to remember what anyone else did, but you'll remember you had fun.

Thanks guys, I do feel a little better now. I won't be able to hire a limo for myself though, I don't even have enough $$$ to buy a new dress.

I wanted one of my friends to help me set up my photos and neither of them would. Ben said he had a sore kneecap, what kind of excuse is that?! One eventually did help but she left me to go smoke with my enemy soon after.

Next week we have dress up days and I'll just look stupid if I dress up as something. One day is wear your old school uniform day but I threw mine out ages ago. Another day is what you wanna be when you're older, none of my career choices have specific "costumes".

I hate today so much. I can only hope the art expo tonight will be really rewarding, my display is right up the front which is good. I keep having these horrid visions of the girls who hate me ruining my work before I get there...