Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself, 'what problem could be greater than this one?'"

Husband: "What are you doing?"
Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date."

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor."

It's no longer known as the 7 year itch!
It's obviously become the 7 year Bitch!

Amaxx said:

Son: "Daddy!! I got a part in the school play!!!"
Father: "That's great son!! What part did you get?"
Son: "I get to play the husband!"
Father: (now looking irritated) "Go back to school tomorrow and demand a speaking role!")

Imago said:

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women

Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.


That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.


Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).


Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.


Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.


Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)


Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)


Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

WHATEVER"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Husband comes home late & stinking drunk & finds the Wife at the front door with Rolling pin in hand!
Wife: How are you explain comming home at this time in this state?
Husband produces a bunch of Roses from behind his back.
Wife: Oh! So now I suppose you expect Me to spread my legs now???
Husband:Why? Don't We have any Vases????

Amaxx said:

OMG

Phil: Val, want some of this ice cream?
Val: What flavor is it?
Phil: Vanilla , like me
Val: Is it any good?
Phil: It's hard as my cock!
Val: Ok, sure--pour me some.

Imago said:

Falloff! Soooo wrong!

Nerd: Hey there, pretty lady. Wanna go upstairs with me?
Sexy Blonde: I wouldn't sleep with you if you was the last man on earth!!!!!?!?!?
Nerd: Well, if I was the last man on earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in line. So, what say you?

Imago said:

You are so dumb!

hokie said:

GuRRLL, you know you laughed at that shit

Maried Couple living in a Trailer Park are having trouble getting pregnant.
Wife: Leroy! Y'all better get yoself checked by Doc Zeek & see why We don't be gettin' no kid folk here!
So the husbaund goes to see the Doctor. later that day he pulls up to the trailer in a new convertable Ferrari wearing an Armani suit.
Wife: Leroy! What the hell Y'all think you be doin????
Husband: Larlene! The Doc said I is impowtant!

After reading an article in Elle magazine that NOT wearing a bra takes 10 years off of your appearance, Hokie decided to give it a try.

That evening Ariel, her husband, came home from a long day of work and settle down in front of the couch to watch WWF pro wrestling on T.V.

Hokie: "Honey?"
Ariel: "Yes, schnookems?"
Hokie: "Notice anything different?"
Ariel: "The bareque sauce stain on your shirt is gone?"
Hokie: .... "No, I'm wearing a different shirt, fool! Look harder!"
Ariel: .... erm... erm... "I give up honey bunches. What's different?"
Hokie: "I'm not wearing a bra!!! Elle magazine says it's supposed to make me look years younger"
Ariel: ... "Ohhhhh! Yeah!!!! OK, Now I see! You're breasts drooping down so low without support seems to have pulled all the wrinkles out of your face."

... that night Ariel slept on the couch.




NOTE: All names used in this joke similar to any orgers living or dead are strictly coincidental.

A Little Male Bashing

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men an beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

And to be fair

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake

Ocean said:

Show me your "Dykes on Bikes" Membership card!

Amaxx said:

Here it is

Ocean said:

So the Chair is the proof of Membership!

Amaxx said:

This can sometimes get u in too

Yep! I can picture U riding a Hog!

Amaxx said:

Actually we hired one for the weekend last year ...It was bloody great ...Taylor loved it too (shes been trying to get her Dad to buy one ever since )

you know what,

Imago said:

SHUT IT

Ocean said:

If I had the money! I'd Buy one! Too then douse it in petrol & set fire to it!
Ducati for me!

Amaxx said:

Ocean said:

It's OK if U like them! I just don't!