Kind of long--complaining post.

When my kids were babies, I thought I had it so hard. Danny was 4, and Adam was one when I had Naiema. I can remember basically getting no sleep on some nights with one kid getting up at night after another. I had no social life and went practically everywhere with my kids. One in the shopping cart seat, one in the back of the cart and one holding my hand. I couldn't keep my job. Day care was too expensive. My husband was pretty much never home.

A few years ago, my daughter loved everything Disney, still gave me spontaneous hugs and let me braid her hair every day. She wore what I picked out for her and talked to me all the time.

My boys would sneak up at night to play video games. Create costumes based off their favorite anime characters and play sword fight in the yard. My main complaint was the constant wrestling and flipping around the house.

Now my oldest son is 15, my middle son turns 13 on Friday and my daughter will be 12 in December. Now I cry at night sometimes, not out of frustration or fatigue, but because my oldest is heading in the wrong direction. He actually hurts my feelings some times with the things he says and does. He's so inconsiderate and ungrateful.

He has to get up at 5:30 a.m. to catch the high school bus at 6:15. Lights out is 10 p.m. Not to mention he shares a room with his brother who daily tells me nearly falls asleep on the bus in the afternoon. So last night around 10:10, the lights and TV are still on, and I go in to say good night, and tell them it's lights out time. My son is looking at a skate catalog and tells me no. I turn the light out anyway and he actually threw the catalog at me and it hit me in my chest port (where I used to get chemo). I took the book and shut his door. He then rips open the door to confront me about my attitude. I slapped him in his face. He continued to try to get in my face. I was trying so hard not to push him, which I didn't do. I ended it by telling him I was going to get his Dad in there. I felt bad about slapping him, but all he had to do was put the magazine down and leave it at that. I can't have him thinking he can bully me. He was actually confrontational with me. I told him to get in the bed, and he says crap like, "no. I want to know what your problem is," about two feet from my face. What the hell????!!!!!

He's like that all the time now. Never wants to listen. Argues about everything. Failing his classes (doesn't turn work in, even though he knows how to do it). Sneaks around and smokes cigarettes. Has a girlfriend that has some emotional problems (cuts herself and takes pills). The music he listens to is that horrible sounding screaming, heavy sounding music. He calls it black-metal or death-metal. I'm just at my wits end with him.

My daughter is only concerned about her friends and boys. If I go in her room, she'll say to her friend on the phone, "hold on my mom's in here." She won't let me fix her hair anymore and hates all the clothes I pick out for her. She doesn't even say "good night, I love you," anymore to me.

I can't complain about my middle son except for his grades. He does what he's told, helps out without being asked, is getting into playing drums and guitar with his dad and is generally good natured.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that babies and little kids are no where near as hard to deal with as pre-teen and teens. I never thought my kids would break my heart.

dustysgirl said:

yeaha love much love to u cause i used to love do ahlot with kind that whare even step kids love so peace and love and now in jesus name i have a son is 14 mounths old and i say to my slef love hear i ago aging doin it agin loves but ahll in jesus name

Thanks for sharing! I hope writing it all down helped a bit!

Other than that, don't worry! I don't think anyone is heading in the wrong direction. Sure it's rough, but it doesn't sound nasty to me. Remember when you were that age, try to relate, without forgetting you are the parent.

Sure it's hard, but that's what makes it interesting, doesn't it? Keep on doing what you're doing!

i couldnt read all that shit.
but from the few words i picked out i feel its time to fire up the ovens.

Go get your husband's belt and whip those asses. They ain't too old yet.

That would be so hard.

Do you tell him that he hurts your feelings? I know that, when I was being a dumbass kid, nothing hit me harder than knowing that I made my mom feel bad. Even if I didn't show it at the time. I don't know if everybody is like that, though.

Im so sorry!

But I do agree with vainandy.

Anyway, whatever u do, dont give up on them.
They will get older and realize how they've acted and see how much u had to put up with their crap. They'll be very appreciative.

ohhh! stay strong mum! I used to be the biggest bitch to my mom ever! (but...she deserved it) Like someone else said, try to remember being that age and how terrible everything seemed at the time. I don't say put up with the abuse either but I'm not sure what the best way to handle it is. Perhaps compromise...maybe it's time for 11 oclock lights out if they promise to respect it? I dunno. I hope for the best. my guys are little now too and even my oldest (almost 5) tells me his kisses are private...and won't give me one luckily he's still small enough where I can just say fine...I'll just have to TAKE one then! good luck

i didn't realize you had teenagers
no matter what their age they learn what they live. but teens can be angry, resentful, hormonal. i have no idea what to say other than you have to be good to yourself. you will always be their mom no matter what they do.

From one sufferer to another...

...mine are 17 and 16, respectively.....so you add teenaged angst to growing up as military brats (moving and changing schools every 3 or so years, one parent always in school or deployed...) and you've got the recipie for rebellion....

....but I'm hopeful that when they get out on their own, they'll see what me and my wife are trying to get them to understand, and that they'll be productive.....

....worst case, I'll try to get out to the penitentary at least once a month....

It is difficult at times to watch and live with the growth and changing phases children go through



I realized as mine were growing and changing - I too needed to grow and change with them ( and for myself too )

I had to work hard to find the common ground with each and nuture that while staying centered in my parenting. It was ( IS ! ) consistant work and because teens change sometimes on a daily/weekly basis I had (have ) to really focus on staying in the flow with them.

I wish you the best

Coming from a Mother of 4, aged 25 (male), 15 (female), 10 (female), and a 5 year old daughter. I send you a big hug!
I lucked out with my son, never had a problem with him, except when he was a little boy and tantrums in the toystore.
About a year ago, I wrote something similar to your story about my 15 year old daughter, she would never hit me, push me, or throw something at me in a million years...but she did ignore me beyond words. She would clam up when I asked her things, and put on her ipod on in the car so she could not hear me talk.
The ignoring part was very difficult for me, and the pushing me away mentally was very hard on me. Thank the good lord she has come around, and now realizes her Mom is not the wicked witch of the west, and she can confide in me. It was not easy, it took many heart to hearts, many of her rolling of her eyes () to get us through this. I pray that you can find away to get through to your son, it sounds like he is headed in a path of deep anger. Take one day at a time. My thoughts are with you.

My 10 year old and 5 year old daughters, are my little princesses.

I am feeling your pain!

"Raising Teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree."

rnljs said:

I love it!

emm said:

Yeah...I got married when I was 18. Had one kid at 20, one at 23 and the last one at 24.

And payback is hell. My mother used to tell us all the time...."Just wait till you have kids that are your age right now. When they start showing their asses, I want you to think about how you showed your ass"..... Well, my brother is going through the exact same thing with his teenage stepchildren right now. My mother passed away last year, but when he tells me about his problems, I laugh and say...."remember what mama used to say to you".

rnljs said:

I have a magnet on my fridge that says that

i feel for you...15 is a tough age...actually ANY teenage yr is tough.
does your son have any ambitions in life? does he work part time for extra $..i was just thinking of myself at that age..i had no idea of what i wanted to do with my life & was very depressed b/c nobody even talked to me about it or helped me .
perhaps he resents having to share a room with lil brother? maybe put up some kind of curtain.
i dunno..just throwing out some ideas~

also i think your hubby needs to help with the disipline..even if its just TALKING to your son..he may smarten up just knowing dad means business. you cannot do it all yourself.

vainandy said:

I would agree with you except that once they hit 12.. you can't beat them anymore.. they'll retaliate back.. if they were under 10, hell yeah beat their asses..

sonic said:

... what is 'husband' saying about all this?

my sister is going through this, as i did, her oldest son is rebelling and usually he listens to me..but that's wearing a little thin..
my oldest is noww 22, and i've heard him say more than once that he wished he had listened to what i was saying..it seems he's finally realized what i was trying to do..and he thanks me for it..my youngest is 18 and a totally different kid...i also had a foster child for a couple of years.she gave ne problems for a while too..she'll be 19 next month...
keep doing what works..he could be angry or upset and doesn't know how to deal with it..maybe dad could help with that..i went as far as getting my girl into counseling..
just some ideas...


in my

Flowers2 said:

He knows that Dad means business. They argue pretty bad sometimes. He treats me way different than dad. With dad, the backtalking is very minimum.

I know I go about things the wrong way because of how I grew up. I wasn't "bad," but my dad was an alcoholic, abusive, jerk. My mom worked nights when I was a teenager and my dad could act pretty psycho. My survival tactics back then were to never talk to him unless absolutely necessary and stay away from him. I should note, he stopped drinking when I was 20 and apologized for ruining my childhood.

Anyway, I think because of growing up in that environment, I get very upset and panic when my husband and son argue (get loud). Though he has never laid a hand on the kids since they were younger (spankings), I have this fear that they are going to really fight. They've been going back and forth with each other before, just yelling, and I've actually went in my bedroom, and cried. I just can't take it.

So, I don't tell my husband a lot of stuff, and if my son is upset about a fight with Dad, I start babying him.

Wow! Writing that, makes me see that maybe I'm the one that needs help!

sonic said:

I'm a big talker about the future and would encourage any ambitions. He has mentioned he might want to be a chef someday. I think this would be good, because his grades suck. I don't know what else he could do besides manual labor, but he's really lazy so I don't know about that.

I made him sign up for foods classes at school. He skipped so much last month in Foods, that he has now earned and automatic F in the class, even if he goes the rest of the semester. The class is right after his lunch, and sometimes, he didn't want to go to class, but wanted to hang out in the other lunches with his friends. He actually told me that, as if it was a good excuse to skip!

He might not like sharing a room with his brother, but there's no other alternative. Plus, the room is small, and they have bunkbeds.

Your situation sounds quite similar to my aunts. My cousin (her daughter) was always going to become "queen bitch" one day and now she finally has. Basically, her own family is afraid to talk to her in case she flies off the handle at them.

The thing is, she's looking for someone to be brave enough to talk to her. Recently, my own mum went into her room, talked normally to her and found out a few things about why she's acting so crazy lately. My mum gave her suggestions and advice and that gave Amy something to consider and think about.

This anger and rebellion is almost like a test, how far can I push her? That's what teens are all about - how far can I go?

Basically, you need to find a balance - not too restrictive but restrictive enough. Remember all teens NEED freedom. It's necessary and it's vital to their maturing. BUT they also need to know someone is always going to be there for them when they need help or guidance. And of course, they always need basic rules.

I'd say talk to your son when he's in a good mood and find out as much as you can. What is it that makes him so angry? Is anything at school bothering him?

Like someone said, maybe 11pm now? Just something to let him know his opinion counts too. It's always hard to tell over the internet but hopefully this helps! And no, I don't have kids, I'm 18 but looking back, I can explain why I did some things I did. Call it insider info!

dustysgirl said:

from what I see kids do, (and I know I may get bricks from other people for this, but I'm talking from personal experience).. they don't respect women the way they do men... I think kids see men as a force not to mess with.. as you just said your son doesn't give lip to your husband as he does you... I can tell a young family member 'don't run in the house'.. and I have to say it 3x .. they look at me as if they didn't hear me (after 3x)... now, one of my older male relatives comes into the picture? he says it ONCE to them, they obey.. .. so there's definitely something there with men and women authority .. that they seem to respect men's more... maybe your husband can talk to your son about how he treats you..

Flowers2 said:

Actually I am a mom and I have this problem... esp. with my teen son so I have to play up the guilt factor with him and keep him in check that way.

paintedlady said:

yeah, I don't know what it is.. I get the 'deer in the headlight' look from my little relatives lol after I tell them something.. and they're like .. huh? what? .. they don't do that to the males..