Ocean said:

I feel loved when Ocean co-signs my Org posts.

Byron said:

That's a case where communication and compromise would make or break your happiness. You would need to communicate to your partner where you're coming from with your efforts. She would need to be open enough to appreciate the intent and work put into all your actions even though it requires something of a leap from her since they may not match her vision of "loving actions."

She would also need to be fearless in communicating to you what really makes her feel loved, and let you know what you can do to fulfill that for her. You in turn would do your best to reasonably tailor your actions to make her feel as loved as you possibly can. And vice versa. Yeah.

FunkMistress said:

Oh definitely ...what you (and Ocean) said about communication is essential. It's also essential, though, for us to understand ourselves better as well...we can't communicate the ways in which we feel loved if we don't know what they are beforehand.

And we also need to give equal validity to all 5 ways in which we can feel loved and valued. We can't say "Well, gifts don't show you love me as much as acts do", because in reality it's not true. We can only talk about what's true for ourselves, understand what's true for our patners, and as you and Ocean said, find a compromise that stems from true love. I mean, I could find out what some woman's #1 way of feeling loved is, and then shower her with it not out of love but out of a desire for conquest and sex lol...

By the way, just from personal experience...my ex-wife was a Gifts and Space type of person. I am a Touch and Words type of person. Touch and words, to her, were last. Gifts and space, to me, were last lol ...needless to say, we BOTH felt unloved thru much of our time together. (and to be fair, her feelings of not being loved stemmed from more than just these 5 categories )...

Byron said:

Exactly and I see alot of people do that ....which is another reason to me why actions are more important than words .....actions take more effort, time ....desire.....words can roll out with little effort. It may not be a guarantee but for me I holds alot more value than words alone ...

Byron said:

Which is another reason that I think maybe if we really feel loved in such opposite ways then prehaps that could very well be a doomed relationship...or let me rephrase that..if we find we can't show our partner that we love them in a way that makes them feel loved then maybe the relationship is doomed....
Who was to constantly feel unloved or unimportant to the person they love

Ocean said:

Well, the thing is, those types of "behind the door" things could have been occurring in your friends' relationships as well ...them breaking up doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't.

I think it actually does come down to how each person in the relationship feels loved and valued. For example...

Let's say that I'm someone to whom Gifts are the #1 way in which I feel the most loved and valued...when my partner gives me gifts, I just really get all inside lol...And let's also say that Space is the least effective way in which I feel loved and appreciated. I could go for days without seeing my partner and still feel loved by them...as long as the ways in which I DO feel loved and appreciated are still occurring with regularity. Meaning, she buys and sends me gifts lol ...

Now, the thing is, we tend to show our love for someone in the same ways in which we feel the most loved and appreciated by others. So for me, I'm most likely to show my love for my partner by buying her gifts, since that's the way in which I feel the most loved. It also means that using Space to show my love would be the last way I would choose to do it, since it has the least effect on me.

So, in my eyes, I am backing up my words with actions when I buy her gifts. But what if my partner doesn't care at all about gifts? What if Space matters the most to her? She might be more likely to tell me how I seem to think that I can "buy" her love, or that I seem to think that buying her things takes the place of "real" acts of love, like (to use one of your examples) staying up late to watch a movie. The thing is, if I'm not a "Space" person, the idea of staying up with her as a way of showing my love may not really cross my mind, because in MY mind, Space is the least important way of showing someone you love them.

So...would she be correct by saying my actions aren't backing up my words? Or would it be more of a case of her not realizing how much Gifts effect my feeling of being loved and valued?

4 5 2 1 3 Thoughtful Acts Speak Louder Than All The Words In The Vocabulary

ImAKawak said:

Yes

Ocean said:

Acts
Words
Touch
Space
Gifts

4 5 2 1 3 Thoughtful Acts Speak Louder Than All The Words In The Vocabulary

Why isn't pussy on the list?

Byron said:

Communications is it then. To me it seems that wanting to make the other person happy if you love them would be the ultimate goal, not just doing the things that make you happy. Sure in the beginning you try what you think would make them feel your love but if you're receptive you'll get the hint that is not what they want and you would try to find out what it is that they need to feel love. You'd at least try. Granted a lot of people don't communicate very well, mostly on the hearing end of the spectrum.

touch. !!! touching outside of the context of full-on sex is a huge turn-on. affectionate gestures and contact, that sort of thing.

also, thought. if he remembers things that are important to me. for example, i couldn't care less if he gives me a gift for my birthday. but i'd love him to call or e-mail me and say 'i'm glad you were born'

Touch is most definitely number one. I feel like just a friend if there is little contact in the wasy of hugging, cuddling, hand holding etc. I'm not clingy but affection is important to me. That's the number one way of making me feel unloved.

Words - I do like to hear what's in another's heart and it can be re-assuring.

Acts - Sometimes the smallest things like taking out the trash, cooking dinner, pickign up some groceries, etc is always appreciated.

Gifts - It is always nice to receive gifts for no occassion at all. I used to do that all the time: pick up little gifts, or even cards for nothing at all. My latest ex told me one day after i gave him a card after he was feeling down in the dumps about something that a card wasn't going to make him feel any better, I just stopped altogether. I would probably now be hard pressed to do it again for anyone. And it was never reciprocated either. Once I even got "OK, what are you guilty of - what did you do?"

Space - used to be number one on my list. I would prefer to spend quality time with someone rather than just quantity.

1sexymf said:

This is me, to a "T" ...

Byron said:

Great minds think alike.
I knew I always liked you.

My wife and I were helped a lot by this. (Space is referred to as Quality Time in the book.)

Acts of Service
(tie) Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch
Gifts
Quality Time

Adisa said:

I learned about these 5 things when my ex-wife and I went to marriage counseling...it really does help . Unfortunately for us, it helped us become better roommates moreso than anything else. But we more fully understood each other's "language" and learned to recognize when love was being expressed towards each other, as well as understanding what each other needs to experience to feel loved.