I did this thread a long time ago...and it appears it's time to do it again lol ...

Ok, the theory goes that there are five different ways in which we all feel loved and appreciated while in a relationship (any relationship, but for this discussion we'll only talk about romantic ones). The five ways are:

1) Touch: Hugging, hand holding, having your partner run their hand up and down your arm in a loving fashion, snuggling, shoulder rubs...things like that. You need that physical contact with regularity in order to feel loved and appreciated.

2) Words: hearing your partner say "I love you", "I want you", "I need you", "I appreciate you", "I value you"...you need to hear those words regularly in order to feel loved and appreciated (assume they're sincere when they are said).

3) Gifts: Not just birthday or Xmas gifts (although those do count), but "anytime" gifts or "just because" gifts...and they can pretty much be any type of gift, you find it doesn't really matter to you. flowers, clothing, jewerly, candy, a lighter they thought you'd like, some knick knack they bought for you on the spur of the moment...whatever. When you recieve these things from your partner is when you feel the most loved and appreciated.

4) Acts: this is when your partner does something for you without you necessarily needing to ask...fixes you dinner, picks up your dry cleaning, washes your car, cleans the house, runs to the store for you, helps you prepare for a job interview...things that they do for you and not for themselves. When you find that they've done something for you is when you tend to feel the most loved and appreciated.

5) Space: just having them nearby, having them around. Even if it's just sitting together in the same room watching tv or reading a book...whatever, doesn't matter as long as they are there. Their presence is what makes you feel the most loved and appreciated.


All of us pretty much feel loved and appreciated when all of these things happen, but it's also true that usually one or two of the 5 things tend to make us feel more loved than the others do. For example, I know I'm a touch person...when I'm touched I definitely feel as if I'm loved and valued. If I go to a store and a sales lady touches my shoulder while asking me if I need any help, there's this almost instictual reaction in me that goes "Whoa! Maybe she likes you!" lol ...touch has that strong an effect on me. Space, on the otherhand, has the least amount of effect on me (even though I do love having my partner near me). But I can still feel loved and valued by my partner if we lived apart or didn't spend a lot of time together. Basically, I'd be able to handle long distance relationships better than most lol...

So, how would you rank those 5 ways of feeling loved and appreciated? ..my answer love .....this is from me trueleyloved
well love thair is ahlot of what every one would whant yes but some times even we could miss somthing in life still u can still have every thing that u whant it and how u whant it and no matter whare when or how u got it love but we are ahll ways forgetting to ahlll ways put him frist in ur lifes love cause he has to be ahll ways frist in ur lifes love no matter who or what love we have to know how to even get his heart and to keep him so he can save ur souls love jesus christ love it ahll ways have to be frist in and in every thing on no matter who or what or how it even happen just love him even more enof to put him frist love
...
[Edited 9/5/08 22:57pm]

Definately number 1 is
Acts: (however my defination of acts is more along the line that their actions support their words ...that their actions support how they say they feel otherwise words mean nothing to me ..they are just that ..words)

then

Touch and words would proberly be equal second I think.....but like I said ...as I grow older ...words hold very little substance and meaning if their actions don't support them.

then

Space Although I like my own too so I definately wouldn't want to be smothered .....but I need to come home to him each night and have him come home to me and actually KNOW that we both wouldn't want it any other way.

and lastly

Gifts It comes last as its not anywhere near as important as the others ...however it is nice to know ur thought of and that they would want u to have something from them

Then you're probably Touch and Words as being close to equal (remember, I said assume that the words are sincere, so you wouldn't be debating if they have any meaning )...

Knowing that (lol), where would you put Acts as I've defined them, do you think?

Man, Gifts isn't ranking too high, is it lol ...

By the way, there is no "right" and "wrong" answer to this question...we're each unique in how we feel loved and appreciated ...

Then you're probably Touch and Words as being close to equal (remember, I said assume that the words are sincere, so you wouldn't be debating if they have any meaning )...

Knowing that (lol), where would you put Acts as I've defined them, do you think?

Yes I think they are equal
But even assuming the words are real...if their actions say different ..then do their words have any meaning?
Ur defination of acts would proberly come second to words and touch

Acts - I don't think needs any explaining they speak louder than words.
Words - If the acts are there, the words pack a powerful punch, but if the acts aren't there, then I'm very suspicious of the words.
Space - simple presence is very important and soothing to me, even when we're not speaking, knowing the person is reachable means a lot.
Gifts - small gestures that are personally inspired make me all gushy.
Touch - I'm very sensitive to touch so connection is necessary for me to accept a lot of touching, the stronger the connection the more appreciated the touch, random touches from strangers, though bearable, strike a nerve, like hitting a funny bone.

Touch

Touch

Touch

Words

Acts

Space

Gifts

I guess it depends on what actions you are expecting ...

It's an interesting aspect of this...can Acts and Words exist independent of each other, at least within the context of what's being discussed on this thread? I think they can ...

I guess I think "actions" and "Acts" are not one and the same...

The actions I am expecting are the ones that are done in truth ...they back up the I love you's ...I can't live without u .....I want u more than anything in the world....
An example ..alot of friends of mine have done the lovey dovey crap ...snookims...poo bear on the phone ...and the guys have proposed to the girls by writing in the sand and taking a helicopter flight over it .....I used to be envious of this (well except that snookims crap ) ...but these seem to be the people that have broken up ...its like all the words ....all the over the top romance had no real truth and meaning to it....
The actions I want are the real ones...not done because they are expected (flashy proposal.....I love yous) ..but the ones behind closed doors ...the small things that no one sees ..the phone calls ...the time spent, having them actually choose u over time with someone else, staying up late to watch a movie with u ...a look ....knowing and feeling loved....then before the words I love you are spoken ...they are already known

The actions I am expecting are the ones that are done in truth ...they back up the I love you's ...I can't live without u .....I want u more than anything in the world....
An example ..alot of friends of mine have done the lovey dovey crap ...snookims...poo bear on the phone ...and the guys have proposed to the girls by writing in the sand and taking a helicopter flight over it .....I used to be envious of this (well except that snookims crap ) ...but these seem to be the people that have broken up ...its like all the words ....all the over the top romance had no real truth and meaning to it....
The actions I want are the real ones...not done because they are expected (flashy proposal.....I love yous) ..but the ones behind closed doors ...the small things that no one sees ..the phone calls ...the time spent, having them actually choose u over time with someone else, staying up late to watch a movie with u ...a look ....knowing and feeling loved....then before the words I love you are spoken ...they are already known

Well, the thing is, those types of "behind the door" things could have been occurring in your friends' relationships as well ...them breaking up doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't.

I think it actually does come down to how each person in the relationship feels loved and valued. For example...

Let's say that I'm someone to whom Gifts are the #1 way in which I feel the most loved and valued...when my partner gives me gifts, I just really get all inside lol...And let's also say that Space is the least effective way in which I feel loved and appreciated. I could go for days without seeing my partner and still feel loved by them...as long as the ways in which I DO feel loved and appreciated are still occurring with regularity. Meaning, she buys and sends me gifts lol ...

Now, the thing is, we tend to show our love for someone in the same ways in which we feel the most loved and appreciated by others. So for me, I'm most likely to show my love for my partner by buying her gifts, since that's the way in which I feel the most loved. It also means that using Space to show my love would be the last way I would choose to do it, since it has the least effect on me.

So, in my eyes, I am backing up my words with actions when I buy her gifts. But what if my partner doesn't care at all about gifts? What if Space matters the most to her? She might be more likely to tell me how I seem to think that I can "buy" her love, or that I seem to think that buying her things takes the place of "real" acts of love, like (to use one of your examples) staying up late to watch a movie. The thing is, if I'm not a "Space" person, the idea of staying up with her as a way of showing my love may not really cross my mind, because in MY mind, Space is the least important way of showing someone you love them.

So...would she be correct by saying my actions aren't backing up my words? Or would it be more of a case of her not realizing how much Gifts effect my feeling of being loved and valued?

That's a case where communication and compromise would make or break your happiness. You would need to communicate to your partner where you're coming from with your efforts. She would need to be open enough to appreciate the intent and work put into all your actions even though it requires something of a leap from her since they may not match her vision of "loving actions."

She would also need to be fearless in communicating to you what really makes her feel loved, and let you know what you can do to fulfill that for her. You in turn would do your best to reasonably tailor your actions to make her feel as loved as you possibly can. And vice versa. Yeah.