What do you do when a stranger approaches you and says these two words?

Do you automatically jump into helper mode and do whatever is asked of you?

Do you try your best to remove yourself from the situation because, hey, some stranger's emergency is not YOUR problem?

Do you engage with the person needing help and try to make sense of the situation, then decide if you will help them or not?

Do you do something completely different?

AND

How often have you found yourself in a position where you have to ask random strangers for help? How did that work out for you?


Be concise. Provide examples. No cheating. GO.

I hate to say it but more often than not if it's a man asking for help and I am alone, I'm skeptical. I'm more likely to keep on walking/driving/going.

If I'm with friends or a woman has asked, then I might see what it is they want/need. And depending on what it is, I may do what I can, or I may keep on walking then too.

I don't know that I've ever asked a stranger for help. I'm more likely to call a friend, call AAA, call my family or just figure it out on my own than ask someone I don't know for help.

But I've been offered it without asking more than once. I've been pushed out of snow banks, offered help to change a tire, all kinds of things.

I think I would have a slight delayed reaction, just in case somebody else jumps in and pushes me aside (like my husband the hero )
but I think I would help once I determine that I can actually do something that really would help.
I've surprised myself
pushing cars, helping kids find their mum's etc
nothing real life or death yet.

Anxiety said:

[Edited 8/28/08 20:09pm]

CarrieMpls said:

this is close to how i operate. i think living in big cities has taught me that when a stranger approaches you, 95% of the time it's going to be some kind of hustle. i hate that i've become so cynical and untrusting of people, but i have no reason not to be, which kinda sucks.

i do think where i live now is much less hustle-y than, say, new york or chicago. which makes me wonder if i should be letting my defenses down a little bit and thinking about being more of a helper.

but even when i try to be a helper, my principles tend to get in the way. when someone comes up to me at random and asks me for directions, i will point them in the direction of the nearest gas station. why? because a) i suck at directions and usually have no idea where these people are asking to go, and b) wouldn't you trust directions from a gas station more than some stranger walking down the street?

or when a panhandler asks me for money, i usually know of a couple of shelters where they can get food, shelter and counseling and i tend offer that info instead of giving money. they don't like that. but i don't like giving people money for drugs or booze. look, if i have to go to work and i can't spend all day chasing a high, i'm not going to pay for someone ELSE to do that as a career. if they need resources for things to keep them alive, that's another thing altogether.

and even today, a lady stopped me as i was walking downtown for work and asked if i had a cell phone she could use. i said no, kinda thinking it was a ridiculous thing for someone to ask - do i look like a phone booth??? - then i started wondering what the protocol/etiquette of such a situation actually is. is it like someone asking to bum a cigarette? well, i don't like it when people do that, either. but i usually give up the smoke anyway, figuring that it's 7 more seconds of my life that i'm getting in exchange for a bit of good samaritanism.

i guess i consider myself a pretty independent person, and it weirds me out when strangers want to be dependent on me. i can't imagine asking a stranger if i can use their cellphone unless, i don't know, i had been in some horrible accident and i was covered in blood or something. in which case, i'd hope someone would just voluntarily call 911 without me having to ask.

Unless they are clearly in a medical emergency, I'ma be like because I don't like being told what to do. ("Help me" is a command.) However, if they approach and say, "Could you please help me?" then it depends on if I'm in a hurry or a bitchy mood. But like you said, living in New York, one becomes quite cynical because most of the time people who accost you on the street are trying to hustle you; so I generally just keep on walking, sometimes I say "No thanks," but mostly not.


I usually try not to ask random people for help. I'm of the mindset that I am responsible for myself so if I decide to buy too much shit at Bed Bath and Beyond and am struggling on the subway, that's on me.

When I do break down and ask for help (usually directions/subway question), I say, "I'm sorry to bother you. Do you know...". Most of the time people don't know the answer.

The only specific instance I can think of happened in Chicago. My roommate and I had just moved to Newport b/t Halsted (the heart of Boystown) and Clark. We were at the 7/11 on Roscoe(?) and Halsted and realized her car had a flat tire. Now being the independent woman that I am, and having to had to change a flat tire to pass driver's ed in HS I wasn't too concerned; except I wasn't strong enough to get the lug nuts loose. (My roommate had no clue--she grew up in the 'burbs.) Do you know how many gay guys walked right by us and did not offer to help? I was like, "If we were anywhere besides Boystown, a guy would already have offered to do this for us!" Finally I broke down and asked some guys. They weren't exactly thrilled, but did agree to help us.

DevotedPuppy said:

don't feel bad. i've been treated less than hospitably in boystown before, and not only was i a longtime resident but they were my own people. boystown just has a high bitchery content, clearly.

Anxiety said:

My first thought was I get asked for help all the time. Mostly by those wanting change/money.

Now if I was approached by someone who needed help like medically, I would probably do something.

A little story of when I needed help just recently and probably appeared to others as a stranger. I was attacked a couple of months ago where this guy cornered me and tried to strangle me. I was a bit tipsy and was walking home when I should have been in a cab when this happened.

I was really freaked out and shyly approached these guys who were outside a bar smoking a cig right as it was last call and asked them if they could help me. I didn't even know what I needed help for, but I asked them for it anyway. I had asked them to come with me slightly down the block where the guy had come from to see if he was still there. The guy had taken my hat and I wanted to get it back. I think I was more in shock than anything and I should have gone home right then and there. They were very reluctant to assist in any way. One of them fially said "Come on guys let's help this dude" and they walked with me and it appeared the guy had taken off. After that one of them called the police for me and made sure I was at least all right.

I guess what I am getting to is it all depends. I live in a city where it's probably best not to help someone unless it's necessary and it poses no danger to do so.

i simply head butt them and continue on my way.

horatio said:

i'm skeptical of everyone and anyone i don't know, so naturally i'm leery at first if someone asks me for help. the questions strangers usually ask me are for directions to places downtown (like the one time somebody asked me where nicollet mall is, thinking that it's a shopping mall instead of a thoroughfare ). if someone seems sketchy or "off" to me, i keep going on my merry little way. for homeless folks, i politely tell them "no" if they ask me for money.

Several years ago a stranger approached me in midtown Manhattan asking for help saying his friend was from Africa and didn't know how to use ATMs. So being the young eager beaver that I was at the time, I walked with both of them to the nearest bank and show them how my bank card could get them inside. Then the stranger said that his friend was still skeptical and wanted to actually watch me enter my PIN number and get money out before he became convinced. At that point I told him I couldn't help him anymore and walked away.

More recently, a stranger came up to me late one night as I was pulling into my driveway and told me his mother was in the hospital and he had no money and needed some for a cab to go see her. I offered him an old metrocard that still had some fares on it and he just turned and walked away.

The same guy approaches me again late one night and complains how he really needed to take a dump and asked if he could use my bathroom. I told him I couldn't help him with that.

The very same guy again just this week stops me as I'm walking home from the subway (also late at night) and tells me a drawn-out story about how his brother is in the hospital after getting into a fight and he needed cab fare to go visit him. I again said I had no money and he walked away without saying a word.



So what I saying is that it's not in my best interests to help people if they approach me.

In london these days, you just move away very slowly and do a runner!

sextonseven said:

i got hit with that scam too when i lived in new york - same exact story!

Anxiety said:

I felt bad at the time in case of the one-in-a-million chance that they were telling the truth. I feel bad now when I mistakenly give people wrong directions.

Anxiety said:

Did you look particularly gullible when you were approached? I had just gotten off work and was wearing a shirt and tie and appeared very green apparently.

sextonseven said:

i think it was after the ATM scam that i was like, screw it. if i don't know the person, i'm not listening to their schpiel. i'd give directions, but that was it.

Anxiety said:

It all depends. Granted not many strangers just walk up and ask for general help, it's usually money when they ask. I don't give strangers money, no matter how sad the sob story is, usually. Years ago, in a grocery parking lot, 6pm a man approached me, he was wearing a mechanics uniform looking like he'd been working all day, carrying a gas can. He said his car ran out of gas, yada, yada, yada, I gave him money, $10, went on my way. Several months later in the same grocery parking lot, there he was again, same outfit, same excuse. I just told him I saw you before, and he scurried away quickly. My lesson learned. I don't give money to strangers.

But this does remind me of a time, I was at another grocery store parking lot late at night, and a group of teenage girls approached me, all talking at the same time. Turns out they were stranded for whatever reason and they asked for a ride home. In that case, I remembered those days, and having a daughter myself I could empathize, so yeah, I gave them a ride home. No problem, would do it in a heartbeat. Strangely that's happened twice.

Usually when I get asked for literal help by strangers it's generally the elderly, they need something reached for them, give direction/read something, or to have something carried for them, stuff like that. Always willing in those cases.

I just remembered I helped this couple that approached me late one night in the 24-hour Rite-Aid when they asked me if I had any ID on me. They were clearly drug addicts and they needed someone with identification to buy needles for them.

After I got the needles for them, they asked me if I had a car and in which direction I was going because they needed a ride. I told them that I had helped them enough already.

Anxiety said:

alas, i have a friend who tells the story of how a couple of muggers lured her into a trap with cries for help. so, it depends upon when and where i am, and how the stranger looks/acts.

if i can direct someone to a more appropriate source of help ("the information booth and maps are right over there, sir") i sometimes will.

BUT when possible i help. most recently, an old tibetan man
wearing red and speaking very little english approached me on the street for directions. between hand gestures and shared words i think i helped direct him on hnis way.

i usually don't approach strangers for help though, when i can avoid doing so. i'd rather call AAA or the cab company or whatever and handle things myself instead of relying on people i know nothing about for my personal safety.