This week, my wife and I are hosting a visit from our friends' kids, a 13-year-old girl and her 7-year-old brother. I remain in prayer over it, but I admit: I cannot stand the 7-year-old boy , who just happens to be the lifelong best friend of my own 7-year-old daughter. I'm good about it, though, and as 1)his own father is a complete scrub; and 2)the boy seems to genuinely look up to me, I'm cognizant that my conduct as an adult male role model could have significant importance to him throughout his formative years. In short, I feel called to handle him in a loving, fatherly way.

So, anyway... I was away from home today, but during that time I'm told the boy and his sister got into some petty argument, which made him cry. (Something about her not showing him how to shoot rubberbands from his fingers.) My daughter apparently laughed a bit at his crying (for which she was reprimanded) and he told her, "You better be quiet before I bust you in the nose and make it bleed."







Now... I have to say I am totally hippified about far too many things for my own good, but for some reason this instance has inspired visions, the stuff of Hostel 3. If I had no conscience, y'all would definitely be seeing Lammastide on the news tomorrow.

The kid apparently was reprimanded by my wife, and his parents were informed. But I am torn on whether I should address the matter... and how I could do it in a way that best serves him, but is genuine to myself. And he'll be in my care for the next 3 days yet.

What should I do? Or should I just bite the bullet and say nothing? Any suggestions?
[Edited 8/20/08 22:53pm]

worst

thread

ever

Why don't you like the lil crumbsnatcher?

Imago said:

Hostel 4.

Good question.


My sister and her son once got into a really bad argument. He ended up telling her (he was only 6 at the time), "I'm gonna chop you up into a bunch of pieces and throw you away!")


Aside from the fact that I couldn't fathom where he got those ideas, I think ANY threats of violence, no matter how steeped in mere fantasy, must be dealt with. It's better to be stiff now than have some Judge hand down a stiffer punishment when they're older.


She did nothing.

SCNDLS said:

I honestly think part of it has to do with how disappointed I am in his own dad. I grew up with him, and he's just turned out to be such a screw-up. But that can't be held against the kid, I know.

For the little boy's part, he's just always been a spoiled crybaby, a showoff, with next to no guidance and no proportionate consequences for what he says and does. He's 7 and can barely even speak -- and apparently not due to any cognitive problems, but (I think) simply because no one takes the time to make him learn more age-appropriate enunciation. And when he does speak, it's almost always something about fighting or killing. He once smashed a 3-day-old kitten by running and jumping through his house like a damned maniac. No consequence outside of a brief talking to. It's sad, and if no one takes up a more active role in parenting, he's gonna wind up a statistic.
[Edited 8/20/08 22:40pm]

Mustard seed moment.

A similar deal happened with my best friend. He initially dealt with anger, too.

I think there's wisdom you're already acknowledging beyond parental anger for your child that is leading you in love to parent someone who it seems is reaching out to you. Maybe he's jealous of your daughter for her having you around on the regular. Probably didn't take him long -- as he's sized you up as a positive role model -- to resent his own paternal situation and build up envy.

Maybe find a moment take him aside and correct his use of a threat/violence while building him up: "I love my little girl. I was shocked to hear you say something about giving her a bloody nose because you're a really good young man. And, that's not how good, young men behave. I know you have it in you to be better. That's what good people do... "

Flip his concept while speaking over his life and reinforcing your role as your daughter's protector. 2 birds, one stone.

Imago said:

Did you do anything?

ThreadBare said:

I appreciate that. I think that's absolutely doable. But I'm gonna have to put it off until the morning. I'm a tad antsy now.

Lammastide said:

As a father of two girls I would have to say what ThreadBare said just about nails it... a real man to man sort of thing seems to be the ideal resolution...

I'm also partial to the Hostel 4 concept but that's not really saying much is it...

RenHoek said:

Yeah, I think that is a simple, sensible thing to do.

We gotta get Threadbare married off and reproducing soon.

The "wisdom stick" could come in handy.

I mean beat him with a stick, and call it a wisdom stick.

Mars23 said:

You want this T-shirt don't you...

This boy needs your help. He desperately needs adults to place boundaries on him. I say sit him down and give him an honest heart to heart talk about how his statement made you feel and your worst fears about it, and how this attitude could grow and affect him for the rest of his life. Tell him what goes around comes and around and what he puts out, he'll eventually get back. Tell him you love your daughter and don't want her harmed, but you are almost MORE concerned for his future and his eventual safety. Treat him like an equal but make it clear where you stand. Then, if you're willing to accept responsibility, let him know you're there for him if he needs any help in learning how to be a nice kid and grow up to be a strong man like yourself.

It may seem futile if he's a product of bad upbringing, but I always like to think we can help others in small ways.

heartbeatocean said:

Very loving sentiment is behind this advice. Thank you.

RenHoek said:

Awesome shirt, but I don't wanna beat my kids.

Other's kids though...

Lammastide said:

I'm down... I do, of course, have a list of qualities the luckly woman will have to have...

Mars23 said:

Oh, sort of a disciplinarian for hire arrangement... interesting concept!

ThreadBare said:

You do know you've obliged yourself to begin a new thread, eh? The org's women are dying to see said list, I'm sure.

Lammastide said:

That's really kind and generous of you. It'd hardly be a most-read thread, I assure you.

Alas, my posts here tonight are but writing breaks. Working on an article, while snacking on ice cream (tiramisu "light") and listening to the Nobilus Trio. So, while I don't have time for an all-out thread, we could start the personal ad there: "Must find pudgy, writer types with a love of classical music really endearing."

ThreadBare said:

ThreadBare said:

I think this is really good advice. Also, because he's in your care for three days, you're really his foster dad for that time.

ThreadBare said:

i'm ridiculously woolly for this time of year!

emm said:

emm said:

clever...

oh back to the thread topic
it's totally good of you to let him know he's not allowed to threaten anyone whilst under your care. it's just too bad that won't be reinforced 4 days from now

i - at 35 - recently met a young kid i too could not stand. i believe this was a first for me especially a kid so young. and a girl, too! it was a weird to feel that feeling. for being 5 years old she certainly had a sense of entitlement that was completely distasteful. and then i became fearful... what if that was your own kid! and you hated her!?!

emm said:

it wouldn't happen you would do a good job to raise her well and even other people will like your child.

I got a kid with a whiny voice that grates on me in a way you can't imagine. I have to count to 10 an awful lot with him. But I could never hate him

it's hard to tell other folks kids what to do...this is why i avoid having them in my home for extended stays.

i hope everything works out well, i feel sad for the boy...seems you could be a really positive influence on him.

blessings to ya!

Maybe, firstly, just need to look again at how and why the situation arose... he wasn't being shown something he wanted... (no big deal, children do that all the time....) perhaps he felt frustration, resentment, anger... all those things and more?

You suggest he doesn't have a great grasp of language, so maybe he just hasn't developed any good negotiating verbal skills that could have seen him get what he wanted from your daughter in the first instance, you could teach him some? Frustration makes us lash out, and he used words which he knew would hit the spot, so to speak, as he probably doesn't know any other way?

Introduce him to the world of alternatives, explain how there will always be another way to deal with every situation, aside from threats of/or physical violence. He's 7 yrs old, he's not a lost cause, he just a lost kid who seems to be desperate for some attention, as you say he's a crybaby, a show off. I just think he may be screaming for some attention, and again, doesn't have any other developed skills by which to gain said attention, so he acts up?

I would doubt he's as tough as he is trying to project, children like that usually aren't, they just don't have the skills to deal with all the emotions they have, and perhaps again he just needs encouragement to find other ways to deal with his frustrations.

I appreciate that in three days you may only be able to scratch the surface, if you choose to, but at least you could, to use a phrase from another post 'plant the seed' in the child, that there is always another way?

Good luck anyway whatever you decide to do