I really didn't realize this was a pattern for me until maybe a couple months ago. When I know that I am about to have a sexual encounter with someone, before that takes place I like to listen to music that makes me sad and that makes me cry and that helps me feel my pain.

I am very connected to my pain and that is a part of my life that is easy for me to live in. I was trying to figure out what this is about. Am I trying to achieve a deeper level of intimacy? Why through tears and emotional outlet rather than the encounter itself? Sometimes the encounters have little to no emotional connection and other times I have an emotional connection with the man. Either way, I noticed that this is something I want to do before hand.

I am not in a relationship right now. What is this about? Any shrinks in the house?

Now for sure, I'll never have an org boyfriend

What is the pain that you hang onto??

Can you not let it go and move on rather than get dragged down and drained by it?

Releasing pain is part of us as humans, we all have to do it on a concious or sub-concious level. That is because it is damaging to us to hold it in. Whichever method we find to release it is cathartic to our soul.
Perhaps in some way you wish to release it to free your mind and soul to enjoy what is to come without cloud.
Whatever the reason it is a shame that you have pain to release.I hope you can find a way to remove it on a more permanent basis.

I refuse to say that you are messed up for that.
There is only one who can judge you and that is God.

Live your life as best you can, and when you finally pass away, let's just pray for the best.

Weird, I take Vitamin E before sexual encounters

It seems as if, for you, sex is enhanced by deep emotions. That's not unusual - a lot of people feel that way (me included).

What's rather unusual (I think) is that you do your own "emotional fluffing."

Imago said:

I. HATE. YOU!

I don't know what to make of that. I might associate that with "having a lot of baggage." Isn't necessarily true, but it makes me think you're heavy even in the beginning of a relationship, which instinctively scares me.

Maybe you have a touch of masochism? Like to feel sad feelings? Are you ever into pain or domination?

luv4u said:

Well I don't think it's about me bringing up pain that is relevant to the person or the encounter. Like, sometimes I will want to listen to music that reminds me of my cousin who was killed. And it's not that I go into the encounter thinking of her death or anything like that, it's more of a separate event but it's almost like a bridge to the encounter itself. Gosh, this is really hard to explain

Genesia said:

I think this is because there is an aversion to intimacy in the gay community! Most guys just want to bang and I can get with that but it's deeper than that for me and I usually feel alone in feeling that way.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Are you using sex to try to heal that pain? Or as suggested above, that the pain brought about by the music enhances the pleasure.

I think we all deal with our issues in different ways. But if I was going to have a sexual encounter withsomeone adn they decided they needed to get sad before hand or if they came to bed in tears, I'd be a little freaked out.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Ahhhhh. So you're afraid that your emotional needs will not be met - and are taking care of it yourself.

What's that hotline Ted Haggard called to be cured?

Supa, if it's inexpensive, I'll offer to split the bill

superspaceboy said:

Nobody knows I do this! And I don't show up with bloated eyes. I get it out ahead of time but enough time so that it's still close in my emotional memory

Genesia said:

Do you think that's it?

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

It's as good an explanation as any.

NDRU said:

I think I scare a lot of guys off because of the depth of my emotions. I mean I am not like crying when I have sex or anything like that but I'm very open about my feelings in general. But interestingly when I feel an emotional connection with a guy, I don't necessarily let them know I'm getting any emotional fulfillment when we are having sex.

I don't "like" to feel sad feelings but I've always been sad my whole life. Experiences have dictated that. I've had a lot to be sad over through the years. It's not where I want to be, but there is a comfort level in in being that I'm so familiar with it. does this make me a depressed person? I don't know.

I don't like pain but I do like domination.

i think that a part of this is normal.

in fact, i think that all of this is normal.

Sex, love, and emotion are all intertwined...more for some people and less for others but intertwined nonetheless.

Feeling sadness and pain is very close to feeling vulnerable, which is a part of what sex is about.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I wonder if you really do like feeling sad. That's something I'm pretty attuned to, because that's where I've spent much of my time, too. Of course we think we don't like it, but like you say we're comfortable there.
[Edited 8/5/08 15:25pm]

ON the plus side, if you ARE totally messed up, you're probably great in bed!

NDRU said:

my ex says I ruined his sex life forever cuz nobody else will beat me in bed

NDRU said:

If I admit that I like it then I really AM messed up!

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

To clarify....I only enjoy domination in the bedroom. Outside of the bedroom if someone tries to boss me around I want to kick their ass

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

yeah maybe it's not so much liking it, but putting ourselves there.

I think maybe in the past I have self destructed because if I tried to meet my best potential there was greater chance of failure. That applies to feelings, too, if I enter a situation with a bad attitude, then disappointment doesn't hit as hard. It's easier to say "fuck it" then it is to have high hopes and have them be dashed.

All I'm saying is that if you think the husband should always get the best piece of chicken, then crying before sex is the least of your worries.

Reminds me of a girl I know, who wanted someone she trusted to decide if a relationship was right for her; as a child she was abused and learned to please her abuser quickly. The core problem she still struggles with is trust, vulnerability and acceptance.

Imago said:

Honey, I don't cook chicken! Only meatballs I always save the biggest one for myself

NDRU said:

Well I'm not doing it to put me in a bad mood or to be disappointed. I don't know. I think maybe it's a way of stripping the crap we lay on top of our hearts. Like I'm going in raw and feeling as opposed to just being led by my dick.

Damn, I sound like I'm getting locked up and beat in a dungeon