I don’t want kids. I never have. I never really even liked them when I was a young man. Hell, I never held a baby until I was 28--I managed to find all manner of ways not to touch them--gross, little, slobbery things that they are. However, when I my sister moved down to Tampa and married a friend of mine, she gave me two nephews that would transform my way of looking at kids, at myself, and at the world around me---it sounds like I’m over dramatizing the situation, but it was just that profound. I’ve become “greener” because I know somebody’s going to inherit this planet. I’ve learned to try and not curse so much in public. In short, I’ve learned to be a bit less selfish.

However, when I sister moved to England 2 years ago, I realized that I had been living my ‘family’ life vicariously through her. It was as if I had place all the breaks on my own further development as a man to live in a surragate male role through her own family--basically a part time job to enjoy the fruits of somebody else’s labour so to speak. I had become so comfortable with our arrangement (my sister and I get along very well, and my nephews miss me dearly), that with the adjustments of her being overseas, it made me realize just how….codependent on her own life I was.

Me, the party gooer. The one with a bit more disposable income. The one who refused to be tied down or forced into rigid commitments. Me, a child in my mid 30’s. I had ceased to stop growing. Much of what you read on the org here, my childish tantrums, my annoying flirtations, my stupid, corny jokes--these are not ‘acts’ persay, but actually disturbing glimpses into how my mind actually works.

Anyways, I’ve been reflecting and realized that sometimes, letting go of those people around you that you depend on is a healthy thing. It puts everything in perspective. Not all of my relationships have been as healthy as the one with my sister, making the ‘letting go’ doubly beneficial. But even the relationships that are great, that are (on the surface) fullfilling--sometimes those can cause you to define yourself in such a way that you box yourself in. Hell, even here on the org, the friendships, cliques and relationships that we sometimes get involved in form these little boxes , and this colours how you will react to certain people or groups as well--a limiting behavior I need to break out of. Even relationships that are stellar can cause you to box yourself in. How many people , even at the happiest become “Somebody’s husband” or “somebody’s mother” or “the social butterfly”? I can see now why it’s so hard for some folks to quit smoking --you define yourself within the comforting walls of familiarization. You get addicted to it in fact.


I really have no clue what I’m trying to say.

I get what you are saying. Some times when you let go of certain relationships, it gives you time to step back and assess them as well.

I had to do that when I moved to another country. I let go of the close relationship I had with my mom to an extent. I felt as though I disappointed her being her only child moving away...far away.

We both stepped back a bit, my mom out of hurt and me out of guilt.
We are rebuilding and getting a little closer now.

I have realised that I used to try to fit into the mold and expectation of everyone around me.

When I moved away, I severed many ties. Now I have had time to see which ties I want to re-establish and which ones that are better left severed.

Anywho....


My real thoughts on this matter are revolved around jambalaya.




I used my MrsMdiver acct because the comments you made about the org.
A few ppl here have changed towards me since I became MrsMdiver. It is ok...just shows you who your real friends are..who you can really trust.

I think you need that from time to time.
I enjoy being MrsMdiver, I do not plan on just being that one person though. I am more that just Mrs B.
[Edited 8/5/08 11:45am]

MrsMdiver said:

understood.

I use an alter account when I just want to engage in conversation without such prejudgement's. There are plenty of folks who are irritated with me that actually have a lot of great conversations with my alter-account. And no--I don't have an "troll" accounts .
Sometimes, posting as "imago" is a burden cause I get externally boxed in by people. I can start a thread like this one, and within 5 posts it gets jacked to hell and back. Under a lesser known account, you actually end up with dialogue. Folks that don't like "imago" actually make great conversationalists that way.

Imago said:

yes it sucks being boxed in.


I know that. Happens more to me in P&R.
I must be a crazy bitch with no common sense because I sleep with Mdiver.
Whatever!



I used to get comments about how level headed and rational I was..oh and I used to get compliments on my ass.
Not anymore.

Anywho....

I am glad that I got to know the real Imago...IRL. Not that I held anything against you before meeting you.

I did a thread a few weeks ago about the rampant funds I blow through for drinks--lattes, smoothies, bottled water.

I've cut out all of those expenditures completely. On some silly level, it was a way of 'letting go' a part of the way I identified myself as a consumer. It's funny how incredibly powerful pyschologically bad habbits are. It was actually PAINFUL to stop buying those thing on a regular basis

But I'm on week 3 and have saved about 70 bucks already in not buying those things.

Imago said:

That is great Imago. I used to add up money that my good friend Linda spent smoking to get her to quit.
She always seemed so surprised by the figured but never fully quit.

shanti0608 said:

Just send her the videos that ACE posted of that woman who now has to speak through a voice box. That shit will make ANYBODY want to quite.

Yeah what the fuck ever ...

You would mke a great Dad





Back off my there Mr.

or I'll let go and kick your ass

Imago said:

I don't know. Her mom died of lung cancer. Smoking is a tough thing to convince someone to quit especially me since she knows that I have never smoked.

I hope she does someday quit.

shanti0608 said:

Have her talk to me

I smoked for about 8 years and quit cold turkey. That shit is NASTY.

I think letting go of things that are holding you back is awesome. And gaining new perspective is always a plus. I think that happens to me nearly continuously. The more people we meet, the more things change around us, whether it's something we persue or something that's beyond our control, the more we learn and grow.

On the other hand, if you're happy/content/whatever with however you define yourself, then that's cool too. I think we can add new persepctives to our lives without redefining them.

Imago said:

I made her talk to my mom that smoked since she was 14 until she was 40. She even smoked in the bath tub. My mom tried to get her to stop as well. She has cut back.
My mom quit cold turkey.

Yeah, I so agree.

In my case I can't help but ask why can't a guy, mid-30's, with a wife, kids, a responsible job and some degree of respect in the local community dress as a woman occasionally? I shouldn't feel embarrassed or ashamed, I'm still the same person inside, right? It's not like I'm hurting anyone is it? It all sucks!

mcmeekle said:

I have understood this thread right, haven`t I?

mcmeekle said:

I though Dan was pregnant or something

mcmeekle said:

Work it girl!

Mach said:

You know, when I refer to "box" here , I'm not talking about assholes and vaginas.



FOCUS MACH!

All is ephemeral. Be ever mindful. Rid yourself of possessions and desire. Identity can be an impediment to enlightenment. Ultimately, each of us is alone. Try the pastrami.

Imago said:

Well I have a whole new perspective now anyway

Back to paying Off my weeks vacation

There is nothing more i can say really:






















Fuck you Dan

The thing I love most about being an actor is that it's an anti-box.

I alsways ask myself when I'm in a Dilema...What would Prince Do...And then the answer becomes quite obvious

Ace said:

You had me until the pastrami. GROSS!

Imago said:

Go to hell!!

superspaceboy said:

this thread is so goatse.

superspaceboy said:

i think he wants you to dress like a vampire

Imago said:

Christopher said:

The Org is one big vat of co-dependency lol...