What are some of your experiences with this type of relationship?
I have a daughter and she and my wife havent gotten along in the last
5 years or so. My daughter is 13 now and my wife has known her since she was 4yrs old. They got along okay until my daughter was about 8 yrs old.
Now it is even worse. Im in the middle. what to do?

thepope2the9s said:

Is your daughter's mother in the picture? The reason why I ask is because many times the stepmom wants to act like the "real" mom and this can cause major conflict. If you already have one mom, you sure as heck don't need another.

Some of it may also be due to the fact that she's 13. She may also be having similar issues with her own mother. Teenagers can be tough to deal with.

If things are really bad, you may need to mediate. Always remember, YOUR DAUGHTER COMES FIRST. Many times, parents are so in love with the new spouse that they let a lot of things slide that they shouldn't. Your wife can always divorce you, your daughter is yours for life.
[Edited 6/27/08 10:41am]

I have a 23 yr long relationship with my stepdaughter

Over all it's very good though during her teen yrs her biounit was a very bad influence on her and she acted out in huge ways.

JasmineFire said:

Her real mom is in the picture. ALot changed after my wife had our son
My wife changed. Overprotective and the typical new mom stuff,,but also
she does treat my daughter differently because she isnt her own.

thepope2the9s said:
also
she does treat my daughter differently because she isnt her own. [/quote]




This can create all kinds of trouble. I would seek out professional help if possible If you feel you and your wife can not work through what needs to perhaps change/happen for ALL the children to feel balanced


.
[Edited 6/27/08 11:11am]

thepope2the9s said:

Teenage anst eh? Well she is 13 - a teenager alright but in a lot of ways a little girl and (may be Daddy's little girl). As when treating a small child, when a new sibling comes on the scene, you take the time to make your girl feel special - it may be feels a bit left out of the scene at the moment.

You will also have to take the time and talk to her and LISTEN to what she says and may be take a few things on board. Listen to her as if she is an adult and if there are issues which you dont agree with explain your views and ask her opinion on them. Also, you will have to start re-thinking your boundaries as far as she is concerned. Also give her responsibilities not just to do with the house (tidying room etc) but get her involved in the baby. Do you give her pocket money - this is another responsibility which is useful because it teaches money sense.

Also - I have to say this - do not tolerate disrespect in any way shape or form. This I have to say goes for your wife as well. She has to respect your Daughter and the way that she feels now. If you want respect you have to give respect. As the adult in this scenario she will have to take the lead and the child will follow (hopefully).

I hope the above helps (having brought up one daughter - now 27) and now have 2 other children (5 and 6). The above rules I have applied to my daughter and I must admit we only had a few problems nothing major I think because she knew where she stood and behaved accordingly.

sorry about ur problems mr.pope. maybe u could sit them dwn & c exactly wat problems they hav with eachother.

I told ya'll about this kind of shit. Ain't nothing you can do but ride it out.

Mach said:

This can create all kinds of trouble. I would seek out professional help if possible If you feel you and your wife can not work through what needs to perhaps change/happen for ALL the children to feel balanced


.
[Edited 6/27/08 11:11am]
[/quote]

Exactly. I was going to ask how she treated her but this should be obvious if she's not treating her like family.

Make your daughter number 1 in your life, no matter what.

JasmineFire said:

That is SO true. My uncle his new girlfriend/wife/wife to be, whatever the hell he calls her and his daughter {my cousin} are all in the same boat.

Good1 said:

Exactly. Screw this BS that the spouse takes first place. Your daughter was there first before the new wife and before her new brother.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

It's really hard work balancing out blended families

really hard work

It is one of the hardest things Ive had to endure.
It bothers me that my wife doesnt take the high road when it
comes to arguements w/my daughter. My wife seems to go down to her level.
You dont argue with a child, I say.
Then, my wife wont let my daughter have a picture of our son.
My wife doesnt want my daughters mom to see him or have anything to do with him. I dont know what she is afraid of. A picture is no big deal to me.


Thanks to all for the feedback

thepope2the9s said:

Your wife needs to seriously get over it. SHE AGREED to YOUR life and the things/people in it when she married you. This is divisive. If you can't confront her, you know I will! What's your number?

I’m sorry about your situation as well, and I tend to agree it’s not going to get much better. It’s going to get worst. An adult, who puts themselves down on children’s level, is a sure sign that there is a competitive situation going on.
Pettiness over a picture is a small reflection of a much larger and bothersome picture and it only gets worst.
You are not dealing with a grown woman. I’ve seen situations like this develop when the new spouse believes he/ or she has won or had to compete with the old spouse, and it never ever gets resolved. Once a new child is introduced it gets worst and comes to a head, because the new parent has now successfully, “acquired the commodity of a child”- equal to or better than the first family. I have even seen women and men hurry up to have a child to gain equal footing to the first spouse. Now that the child is born, it’s a power symbol and the real person (competitive, envious and jealous) is going to come out.

I have not seen counseling work in these situations, and not sure how you would ride it out, because the objective is to detach you from the first family all-together or make your life miserable. Were you completely out of your first relationship before you became involved with your new spouse? Did you ever complain or compare her to the first wife? If so and if she catered to it, thinking she was better than the first wife, then this was how the situation derived and evolved. Second families can be fun and healthy and successful, if the second relationship started off healthy. Most of the time I’ve seen this sort of thing when couples got involved while the man or female were still involved with the ex. It becomes this silly game, very emotionally draining and it goes down hill from there.

may078 said:

My stepmonster told a friend of my mom's when she first married my dad that she couldn't wait to have kids with him so he could forget about her kids. She treated us like shit and as if we intruded on her life. Stupid bitch was the one who broke up my family.

I have the same first name as my dad and she even went so far to name my 2 brothers with the same first name!

Every situation is different, my relationship with my ex's daughter got better as she got older. I've known her since the age of 3 and she would yell at me and call me names when she was younger and her dad never told her anything with the excuse that she was just a kid She is now 14 and had grown up to be a very nice young lady who shows me a lot of respect but I definitely had a lot of patience these past 11 years with her and her mom was in her life more when she was younger then in her later years, she is pretty much non existent in her life now, dont know if that had something to do with her change?

thepope2the9s said:

sounds like your new wife has some kind of insecurity about your relationship with your daughter's mother. Maybe she feels like she's playing second fiddle. I went through something like this with my own stepmom. Even though there was no way in hell that my parents were ever getting back together, she still had some issues with my parents' former relationship and took them out on me.

It changed as I got older, their relationship got stronger, and as my mother moved across the country.

Marrying someone else when you have a minor child is a major mistake. Having a new child on top of that is even worse. My uncle took his wife's side when she was beating the shit out of his daughter with pots and pans. Now, she treats her stepgrandchildren differently that her blood grandchildren

Always take your daughter's side. She should always come first. Your wife sounds like she's the one with the problem. Many women have some kind of territorial complex when a stepdaughter is in the picture. I call it the Queen complex

i grew up with both a stepfather and a stepmother, and neither experience was particularly wonderful in retrospect.

my stepfather was a man who was a lot younger than my mom and had no business exerting authority over a child. he had a brother who was about the same age as me - in fact, his brother and i would play together when we'd visit his mom - yet my mother allowed my stepfather to tell me what to do, and the jerk became quite the taskmaster tyrant and i grew to resent him quickly. it got so bad that my mom had to step in and institute a rule that he and i were not allowed to speak directly to each other.

fortunately, that marriage did not last.

my stepmother was somewhat more successful - she did make an effort to share in my interests and be a "friend" to me, though i think after she and my dad gave birth to their first child together, her "friendship" turned into something really dark and territorial. it was at that point that i got a clear understanding that i was being "erased" from my father's family, and with the birth of my half-brother, i had been effectively replaced. that was messed up and i hold her largely accountable for the estrangement, though my dad is existentially free too, he's no innocent bystander.

anyway. yeah. i've had less than ideal experiences with stepmonsters, but i survived them more graciously than i'm sure they've survived me, so screw 'em.

thepope2the9s said:

This is a tough one but please, whatever happens, hang in there with your daughter even if you have to make some time with her away from the wife. When my ex remarried and had kids, my son was all but forgotten and it hurt him profoundly.

Sounds like you may have to put your foot down with the wife and let her know in no uncertain terms that you will now allow her to exclude portions of your family that she doesn't care for. Remind her that she signed on for the whole package. Good luck.

Children are innocent and brought here by us. A full grown wife is to be held accountable.

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

Muse2NOPharaoh said:

i think if a spouse is not ready to take on the responsibility of their partner's children, the couple needs to discuss the feasibility of the partnership, and if they decide it's still workable, they need to discuss how it's going to work for everyone's benefit. i would even include the child in some of those discussions.

Anxiety said:

I agree 100% and should be done before the marriage as well

Mach said:

I was totally thinking that, but didn't want to suggest that after the fact.
In all honesty, you really have to do the work before you drag kids in these types of situations, we have far too many fucked up people in this world as it is.
Really take your time to get to know a person before you get into relationships. Then be honest about what type of person they are. Too often we focus on looks, money, material things or just what feels good and not what makes a good parent or mate. This equals trouble. Not just for the individual, but for the lives of all involved. Gosh, I have seen both men and women just drag their kids into situations with whomever they are dating or seeing or sleeping with and its so irresponsible and crazy. You can never get back the years you have with your child, and once that child is grown its grown, it (he or she)becomes the product of all your experiences and actions while he or she was growing up. Then we are talking about Prozac nation, drug addict and people who struggle to function in life.

This works both ways, as a dater and datee, if you like someone, fancy them, or think they are cool, but don't think you can be an effective parent to their child, please don't jump in and fuck up a child's life by being selfish. A child has got only one set of parents- while you can have plenty of boyfriends,girlfriends, husbands, bedfellows and hook ups - they come and go like water- just move on and enjoy your life and dating, instead of creating problems in someone else's life. In other words, live responsibly, and with the highest intentions for all involved, and you will fare much better in life.

babynoz said:

Ive been going thru this for several years now and before I posted this thread I told my wife that Im tired of giving her speeches about how she needs to change. She told me when we got married 7 years ago that she would never come between me and my daughter, but, that is exactly what has happened. I have always been there for my daughter and will not forsake her. I told my wife that Im just gonna let GOD deal with her and she needs to seek him to change. My marriage is great in all other aspects, except this.
THanks again to all for the insight.

thepope2the9s said:

Sounds like you have the right attitude about it...I will have your family in my prayers as you weather this storm.

blueblossom said:

Wise words; I couldn't agree more.

When I first met my adorable stepdaughter, she tested me - a lot. She was openly disrespectful, defiant and would refuse to listen to me. Instead of trying to be her friend, or worrying about being nice, I did not back down. I also did not get emotional and upset and yell at her. I remained calm and let her know, over and over, that the rules are the rules and her disrespect and defiance was not okay. I made sure to praise her and give her lots of hugs and affection when she was doing the right thing.

I've been in her life for over a year now, and in her father's for almost two. Our relationship is wonderful. She doesn't question the rules or my authority anymore. She comes to me for cuddles and hugs all the time, and when it's time for her to go to her mom's house she puts her face in my neck and says "I don't want to go!" I still discipline her firmly (just as I do my biological kids) and she still doesn't like it, but I truly believe the saying about kids craving boundaries to be true.

Like others have said, the responsibility is on the adult to remain calm and consistent at all times. When there is underlying jealousy and the adult isn't emotionally mature to do some self-examination, then the relationship may be beyond repair, and that's unfortunate. But if the grownup is brave enough to own their shit, remember what it's like to be a kid, and act with compassion and strength, the relationship can be great.